After engaging in an almost three minute rant on the floor of the House where he castigated the press for paying too much attention to the Massa scandal and not enough to Afghanistan, Congressman Kennedy (D-RI) asked permission to revise and extend his remarks which were entered into the House journal.

“Madame Speaker.   Members of the House.  If anyone wants to know where cynicism is, where cynicism is, there’s one, two press people in this gallery.  We’re talking about Eric Massa 24/7.  We’re talking about war and peace.  3 Billion dollars.  1000 lives and no press?  It’s despicable.  The press of the United States is not covering the most significant issue of national importance.  It’s despicable.”

“It’s despicable.  Do you know what else is despicable?  My favorite bar used to charge $5 for 20 ounce pints.  Now they charge $6 for 16 ounces.  It’s despicable.”

“Look at me.  I come from a handsome family.  How do you explain me?  I look like the loser who gets killed 10 minutes into a zombie flick.  Why isn’t the press covering that? It’s despicable!”

“I went to the dry cleaner to pick up my shirts and they tell me the shirts won’t be ready until tomorrow.   I, a Kennedy have to wait for my shirts.  When I got angry and drove my car into their store they told me I would have to pay for the damage.  Me!  A Kennedy!  Why isn’t the press covering the fact that the dry cleaner didn’t have my shirts ready?  It’s despicable!”

“Last night I called one of those singles hotlines.  Join the party the ad said.  Well not only was their no party but my credit card was declined.  I, a Kennedy!  Why isn’t the press covering that? It’s despicable!”

“I tried to pick up a hooker.  It turns out she was an undercover policewoman.  I had to run through an alley and hide for a couple hours underneath garbage while police cars looked for me.  That’s why I need had to get my shirts cleaned.  Are the cops in Washington in a conspiracy with Asian dry cleaners?  Why isn’t the press of the United States covering this story?  It’s despicable!”

“I was abducted by aliens and held by them in their spaceship.  I was anally probed and they took my shirts.  When they let me go they told me never to tell anybody and that I wasn’t getting my shirts back, which is why I had to buy new shirts which got soiled in the alley which is why I had to bring them to the dry cleaners and they didn’t have them ready for me!  Aliens, Asian dry cleaners and the Washington D.C. police are all in a conspiracy.  This is the most significant issue of national importance!  Why isn’t the press covering it?  Despicable I say!”

“Everyone keeps asking me if I know where Bagel Street is.   Don’t ask me where Bagel Street is.  A terrible thing happened to me on Bagel Street. I was walking along minding my own business and a safe fell out of a 15-story building and killed me.  I wouldn’t have died if I had been wearing a good hat.  But no!  I was wearing a Susquehanna hat!  Susquehanna!  Susquehanna!   It’s despicable.”

“Thank you.  I yield the floor.”

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