Having just received my U.S. census form in the mail, it occurs to me that I really haven’t the first idea what my readers want  (other than more cowbell.)  Inspired by the aforementioned census form I have decided, to better serve my readers, to collect information about them and what they would like to see on this site.  And I promise, unlike the East German secret police, I mean the White House, I will not use the information provided herein to test the ideological purity of my viewers.  So, if you will, please fill out the following questionnaire and send your answers to webmaster@manhattaninfidel.com.  Responses will be provided next week.

1.  How did you find the Manhattan Infidel blog?

1.   I was searching the web for intelligent political satire.
2.   I made a left turn at Greenland.
3.   I though this was a porn site.
4.   No seriously.  Where’s the porn?

2.  What is your favorite category?

1.  General Insanity
2.  The Dark Side of Popular Culture
3.  Politics
4.  Global Warming
5.  Murder in Bedrock
6.  Yankees
7. Where the hell are the naked pictures?  I know that’s not a category on your blog but seriously. Where the hell are the naked pictures?

3.  How much time a week do you spend on the web?

1. An hour.
2. A couple hours.
3. Probably too much time.
4. I haven’t eaten in days.  I haven’t paid the rent.  My significant other has left me.  I haven’t seen natural light in weeks.  I’ve lost my job. eHarmony rejected me.   I live to visit the Manhattan Infidel’s blog.
5. This is the most boring porn site I’ve ever visited.

4.  Do you have a flush toilet?

1. What? Yes of course I do.
2. I have two flush toilets
3. C’mon.  It’s not like I live in New Jersey.
4. That’s a honey of an ankle bracelet you have there, Manhattan Infidel.

5.  If you answered “Yes” to the previous question, may I use your flush toilet?

1.  It would only be common courtesy to let you use it.
2.  I’d be honored if the Manhattan Infidel would use my flush toilet.
3.  Will this bring down my property values?
4.  You’re not Irish are you?
5. I swear to God I didn’t mean to kill her.  It was just role play.  I woke up and found all this blood.
6. You need more porn on your site.  It facilitates my Esther Rolle play.

6.  Do you have serious difficulty hearing?  Seeing? Concentrating, remembering or making decisions?

1. I am fully functional.
2. I’m a little absent-minded and sometimes forget what I’ve just done.  I’m a little absent-minded and sometimes forget what I’ve just done.
3. Yes I have difficulty doing all these things.  I’m in management.
4. Why must you mock me Lord?
5. I find prostitutes are the easiest to kill.  No one cares if they go missing.

7.  Do you have difficulty dressing or bathing?

1. None whatsoever.
2. Being a cross-dresser I sometimes have difficulty because I just can’t decide what to wear.  So many choices, so little corsets.
3. Will you please get into the bathtub with me!  Don’t let my extra appendage scare you.
4. She’s dead isn’t she?  You have to help me bury the body. This will violate my parole.
5. I thought this was a porn site?

8.  How many times have you been married?

1. Once.  I married my childhood sweetheart.  She/he is the light of my life.
2. Don’t remind me.  Thank God alimony is tax deductible.
3. Marriage is a bourgeois institution promulgated by the Church to formalize the transfer of property rights in women from the father to the husband.
4. I believe in free love.
5. Well, technically it’s not free since the ads I answer charge up to $200 dollars an hour.  And that doesn’t include spanking or role play.
6. She’s dead isn’t she?

9.  What is your race?

1. White/caucasian/nonhispanic
2. Hispanic
3. Black
4. Asian
5. 400 meter dash
6. 800 meter relay
7. We were just role playing.  I don’t know where all this blood came from.

10.  What is the most important thing you do at work?

1. Show up on time.
2. Make a fresh pot of coffee.
3. My job is a meaningless support position that leaves me spiritually, intellectually and psychologically dead.
4. My job is a meaningless support position that leaves me spiritually, intellectually and psychologically dead.  But at least I don’t live in New Jersey.
5. You better give me a good review or I’m ripping out your fingernails.
6. Can I use your flush toilet?
7. The most important thing I do at work is not kill my coworkers.
8. I don’t know how that arm got in the refrigerator in the break room.
9. I though this was a porn site?

And there you have it.  Please answer these questions as truthfully as you can.  I on my part promise not to sell the answers to telemarketers.  Unless I need money.  For my defense.  It was just harmless role play.  Honestly.

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