Here at the headquarters of Manhattan Infidel we’ve had the opportunity to interview many important figures. But this is I believe my first interview with a saint.  I am pleased to introduce to my readers a giant of the western church, St. Augustine (354-430 A.D.) himself.

MI:  Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to meet with me.

SA:  Yes,  I just came from Carthage, where I found myself in the mist of a hissing cauldron of lust.

MI:  Sounds like fun.  I’ll have to visit.

SA:  Do not make light of my predicament, Infidel.  I was inflamed with desire for a surfeit of hell’s pleasures.  Love and lust together seethed within me.

MI:  Okay.  Sorry.  I didn’t mean to – 

SA:  I was drunk with the invisible wine of my own perverted, earthbound will.

MI:  Um.

SA:  My soul failed to govern the impulses from which it derives bodily pleasure.

MI:  I get your point.  Moving along.  Let’s talk about your conversion.  Your account of it in the Confessions is justifiably famous.  In Milan you met St. Ambrose –

SA:  His celibacy seemed to me the only hardship he had to bear.

MI:  Okay here we go again.

SA:  I thought it would be too much for me to bear if I were deprived of a woman’s love.  I was bound down by this disease of the flesh.

MI:  You had syphilis? 

SA:  No!  Concupiscence you moron!  For my will was perverse and lust had grown from it, and when I gave in to lust habit was born, and when I did not resist the habit it became a necessity.

MI:  Happens to me every Saturday night.

SA:  I was scratching the itching sore of lust.

MI:  Yeah we’ve been through this.  Let’s talk about –

SA:  Wherever sexual passion is at work, it feels ashamed of itself.

MI:  [Sigh]  You got issues Auggie.  You got issues.

SA:  Do your genitals obey reason?

MI: What?  Of course.  Always.

SA:  Really?

MI:  Sometimes

SA: Really?

MI:  Let’s not talk about my vacation in Thailand.

SA: Sometimes lust is most importunate when I least desire it.  At other times bodies remain frigid when lust is blazing in their souls.  Lust itself, lascivious, refuses to obey, and the very passion that so often joins forces to resist the soul is sometimes so divided against itself that, after it has roused the soul to passion, it refuses to awaken the feelings of the flesh.  It leaves a straining lover in the lurch.

MI:  They have pills for that now.

SA:  What?

MI:  Take some of these.  But don’t take them if you’re taking nitrates for chest pain as it may cause an unsafe drop in blood pressure.  And ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for sexual activity.

SA:  What?  What are you saying?  Are you still in the grip of concupiscence?   Get away from me!

MI:  But what about the rest of the interview?

SA:  Concupiscence!  Concupiscence!

MI:  So that’s it?  The interview is over?

SA:  Concupis – 

MI:  I guess so.  Well I’m out of here.

And so ended my interview with the great Doctor of the Western church.

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It has happened again.  NATO personnel in Afghanistan burned an undisclosed number of Korans, provoking angry outbursts and protests.

Thousands of Afghans descended on Bagram airbase to protest the desecration, shouting, “Two, four, six, eight, burning Korans is hate, hate, hate!” “Stop American desecration”  and for some strange reason “She’s got electric boots, a mohair suit you know I read it in a magazine B-B-B-B-Bennie and the Jets.”

In an attempt to minimize the outrage, NATO commanding general John R. Allen issued a statement that said, “I offer my sincere apologies for any offense that may have been caused.  It was a misunderstanding.  We were supposed to be burning the collected works of James Fenimore Cooper.  Why burn Cooper? Have you ever read any of his crap?

NATO has announced that henceforth all coalition forces will take sensitivity classes.  In the class, tentatively entitled, “Good soldiers.  Good Metrosexuals” troops will be shown a Koran and a copy of Last of the Mohicans side by side.  Troops will be asked to burn the book that “has the greater potential for evil.”

Those who burn the Koran will have to take additional sensitivity courses.  Those who burn the Cooper novel will be promoted.

“Naturally we won’t tell them beforehand which one to burn but we’re hoping they recognize true evil when they see it.”

To further heighten sensitivity, NATO troops will be instructed that instead of burning the Koran, a proper way to dispose of it will be to use it as toilet paper.

“NATO is very green.  And using available paper this way makes great use of available resources.”

Also, to guard against further inflaming Muslim sentiment ice cream will be banned on all coalition bases.

“The swirls in the ice cream are offensive to the prophet.”

NATO has released the following list of items that are offensive to Muslims and will be banned:

• James Fenimore Cooper novels
• The Chevy Vega

Note:  Chevy Vegas are the true face of evil.

• Suzanne Vega
• Season eight of Dallas
• Dallas Mavericks
• Dallas Green
• Lungs
• Left legs
• Miley Cyrus
• 100 watt light bulbs

Note:  In this the Muslim world and the west are in full agreement.

• The New York Mets

Note:  In this the Muslim world and the west are in full agreement

• Any song of Elton John that isn’t Benny and the Jets
• Lithuania

Note:  Well this is just common sense.

• Andy Dick

Note:  ‘Nuff said.

• All seasons of Bewitched with Dick Sargent
• The internet
• Freedom of religion
• Free speech
• The Sun
• The Andromeda galaxy
• Lower lips

It is hoped that by releasing the list any further misunderstandings between NATO and the Muslim community.

(516)

Here at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel our mission statement includes three two basic elements:  to provide my readers with hard-hitting news stories, to better the lives of my readers through intellectual stimulation and to masturbate in all 50 states.

In keeping with my desire to intellectually stimulate my readers I now present my review of the much-anticipate film Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter based on the 2010 novel by Seth Grahame-Smith.  Even though the movie will not be released until June I was able to see an early preview thanks to my contacts in show business you want fries with that?

I must say that despite being produced by Tim Burton I was greatly disappointed in the movie the theater was out of popcorn. Though a first rate production I was not able to suspend my disbelief talk about disbelief what the hell do you mean you’re out of popcorn? because of the glaring historical inaccuracies of the movie.

Let’s start with Lincoln’s accent.  As any student of history knows Lincoln was born in Kentucky and had a high-pitched Kentucky accent.  Yet the actor who plays Lincoln, Benjamin Walker is from Georgia and plays Lincoln with a deep baritone.  This grating historical inaccuracy well if you have no popcorn I had better be able to masturbate in your bathroom detracted from my enjoyment of the movie.

The next historical inaccuracy involves Mary Lincoln.  In real life Mary Lincoln was short, fat and unpleasant.  Kind of like a Danny DeVito with hair.  In the movie Mary Todd Lincoln is portrayed by the beautiful actress Mary Elizabeth Winstead. Again because of this historical inaccuracy I was unable to truly enjoy the movie no popcorn and you won’t let me masturbate in your bathroom?  When did America become a police state?

But let’s quickly move onto the central conceit of the movie:  that Abraham Lincoln, 16th president of the United States was a vampire hunter.  Now as most historians admit except the sober ones Lincoln did in fact hunt vampires on the side.  But this movie makes it appear that the hunting of the undead was Lincoln’s Sine qua non.

As any student of history knows, and Manhattan Infidel is a student of history I took history classes because the sex ed ones were already filled up Lincoln’s first priority was saving the Union, not killing vampires as his letter to Horace Greeley makes clear:

I would save the Union.  If there be those who would not save the Union unless at the same time they could save the vampires I do not agree with them.  If there be those who would not save the Union unless at the same time they could destroy the vampires I do not agree with them.  If I could save the Union without killing any vampires I would do it, and if I could save it by killing all the vampires I would do it.  And if I could do it by killing some and leaving the other vampires alone I would do it.

And so readers despite its interesting premise I must regrettably give two thumbs down to Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter.  May I use your bathroom?

Manhattan Infidel

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The Transportation Safety Administration admitted today that on “a few, isolated occasions” elderly female passengers were subjected to intrusive pat downs and strip searches.

“I was so humiliated” said an 88 year-old woman who wishes to remain anonymous.

“All I wanted to do was visit my grandchildren for the holidays” said another woman, 85.  “I’m in a wheelchair.  They took me to a private area and asked me to lower my pants.  When I did they stuck a ten-dollar bill in my bra.”

Another woman, 89 years of age was permanently scarred by her experience.

I’m an old lady.  All I wanted to do was see my sister one last time.  But they grabbed me and dragged me to a separate room.  Then they put on a strobe light and said, “There’s the pole.  Dance for us  honey.”  I have a back brace and a cane. It’s not easy for me to dance anymore.  They kept telling me to “shake my money maker.”   I was so humiliated.  I felt so violated.  Fortunately the tips eased the pain.

Another 82 year-old woman tells a horrifying tale:

The young man asked me my sign.  Then he took my hand and led me into a back room.  We sat down on a couch and he lowered the lights.  He started playing music – My Heart Will Go On – you know, the theme song from the Titanic.  Then he removed his pants and told me to take my false teeth out.  “I need a gum job honey” he said.   I don’t even know what that is!  I’m never flying again!

In an attempt to limit the damage, TSA Administrator John S. Pistole announced that in the future the TSA will  no longer ask applicants for jobs if “they like getting their freak on.”

“In retrospect that might have been a mistake” he said.  He has also announced his resignation effective immediately.

Replacing Pistole as TSA administrator will be Pepe Le Pew.

“I am looking forward to this new challenge in my  life” said Le Pew.  “We and ze elderly ladies shall make ze beautiful music together, no?”

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On February 20, 2009, a date that will (or is it shall?) live in infamy, the blog known as Manhattan Infidel debuted.  On February 21st, 2009, encouraged that the logs showed two hits Manhattan Infidel swore off all human contact to concentrate on the fame and fortune that no doubt would surely follow.  And here it is three years later.  I decided to celebrate my blogoversary as any man would do who has a healthy emotional, spiritual and psychological life:  I paid a woman I’ve never met before to dress up as a French maid and clean me.  Because I’m oh so dirty.  And filthy.  And naughty.  But on to the celebration!

Note to self:  Hire another woman next year.  She missed a spot.

The ancient Mayans prophesied that the world would end in 2012 – strange that they used the western calendar but who am I to question the wisdom of the ancients – but not before everyone suffered from anal leakage.  So not knowing if there will be a fourth blogoversary and in the spirit of the end of the world I now open the reader mail bag.

King Shamus writes, “Happy blogoversary. Um, I have kind of an embarrasing question. Lately I’ve been suffering from anal leakage. Any suggestions?”

Excellent question my friend.  The world is ending.  Eat more potato chips.  It’s what the Mayans would have wanted.

The infamous reprobate known as M.B. of Brooklyn writes,  “There is something leaking from my ceiling.  I’m afraid it’s the dead bodies I have up there.  Is it anal leakage?  What should I do?”

Not to worry M.B. of Brooklyn.  Dead bodies are physically incapable of anal leakage.  Though early in the decomposition process gas builds up in the stomach, leading eventually to the stomach bursting.  That might be your problem.  To avoid this do what I do:  Wrap the bodies in water-proof plastic bags.  Get an axe and dig a new hole in your garage floor.  Place the bodies in hole and reseal the floor with concrete.  Of course do this while the garage door is closed so the nosy neighbors won’t ask what you are doing.

Innominatus writes, “I live in Oregon and lately I’ve been having a huge problem with anal leakage. I mean,  it’s gotten to the point where I’m using the stuff as brake fluid in my car. What should I do?”

Innominatus what can I say?  I wouldn’t worry about it.  The world is going to end soon anyway. But just in case what model is your car?  The leakage is incompatible with certain models.  Oh, and eat more potato chips.  Make a Mayan happy.

The power mad scoundrel known as D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “Manhattan Infidel you cannot stop me!  One day the world will be mine!  Mine I say! Ha ha!  Mine! And, um, would diapers help with my anal leakage?”

I apologize for D.B. readers.  He works for an accounting firm and it obviously has gone to his head.  As for diapers “helping” no they will not. Not with the problem anyway but they obviously will help with the mess.

Matt from Conservative Hideout 2.0 writes “Happy blogoversary. But if the Mayans are correct that the world is going to end this year do I still need to recycle my anal leakage?”

Yes Matt.  It’s simply good citizenship.  As a matter of fact I encourage you to eat more potato chips.  Your recycled anal leakage will help stop global warming.  Do it for the polar bears!

S.J. of Harlem writes, “I do not eat potato chips and I do not suffer from anal leakage. So there!’

S.J. are you suggesting the Mayans are wrong?  And what gives you the right to go against the wisdom of the ancients.  Get thee to a deli and buy some potato chips.  Now!

K.F. of Long Island writes, “I have a real problem with anal leakage.  I think it’s from all those years of rooting for the Mets.”

K.F. Yep.  That’ll do it everytime.

Jim from Conservatives on Fire writes, “Here in Venezuela Chavez give the poor anal leakage for free!”

Jim:  And who says socialism isn’t benevolent?

Jimmy the Hat of somewhere in Pennsylvania but works in Manhattan writes, “Congratulations on three years.  As I was saying to my friend Rick the Stick just the other day, ‘Not directly on it stupid!’  But I don’t understand your concern with anal leakage.  At the bar I hang out at they put it in all the mixed drinks.”

J.H.  Remind me not to let you buy me a drink.

M.K. of Right Wing Theocrat writes, “Does anal leakage go counterclockwise in the Northern hemisphere?”

That’s an excellent question. Unfortunately I’m not bendy enough to find out.  Maybe if I start hitting the gym I might be in a few months.

And there you have it readers.  My reader mailbag on my third blogoversary.  Will there be a fourth blogoversary? Only if the Mayans were wrong.  And really, what are the chances of that?

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