The Transportation Safety Administration admitted today that on “a few, isolated occasions” elderly female passengers were subjected to intrusive pat downs and strip searches.

“I was so humiliated” said an 88 year-old woman who wishes to remain anonymous.

“All I wanted to do was visit my grandchildren for the holidays” said another woman, 85.  “I’m in a wheelchair.  They took me to a private area and asked me to lower my pants.  When I did they stuck a ten-dollar bill in my bra.”

Another woman, 89 years of age was permanently scarred by her experience.

I’m an old lady.  All I wanted to do was see my sister one last time.  But they grabbed me and dragged me to a separate room.  Then they put on a strobe light and said, “There’s the pole.  Dance for us  honey.”  I have a back brace and a cane. It’s not easy for me to dance anymore.  They kept telling me to “shake my money maker.”   I was so humiliated.  I felt so violated.  Fortunately the tips eased the pain.

Another 82 year-old woman tells a horrifying tale:

The young man asked me my sign.  Then he took my hand and led me into a back room.  We sat down on a couch and he lowered the lights.  He started playing music – My Heart Will Go On – you know, the theme song from the Titanic.  Then he removed his pants and told me to take my false teeth out.  “I need a gum job honey” he said.   I don’t even know what that is!  I’m never flying again!

In an attempt to limit the damage, TSA Administrator John S. Pistole announced that in the future the TSA will  no longer ask applicants for jobs if “they like getting their freak on.”

“In retrospect that might have been a mistake” he said.  He has also announced his resignation effective immediately.

Replacing Pistole as TSA administrator will be Pepe Le Pew.

“I am looking forward to this new challenge in my  life” said Le Pew.  “We and ze elderly ladies shall make ze beautiful music together, no?”

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