It’s going to be a busy morning here at the headquarters of Manhattan Infidel time to finally dispose of that dead prostitute that’s been in my bed all weekend  so I won’t have time to report in-depth on the news that Douglas Kennedy, son of Robert Kennedy, has been arrested.  Instead I will use a handy “Kennedy Malfeasance” template I created using Heineken Microsoft Word.

Breaking news:  The _____________ (fill in blank)

1. son
2. daughter
3. cousin
4. distant cousin
5. employee
6. has no previous contact with a Kennedy but knows who they are and as such is predisposed to breaking the law

of

1. John Kennedy
2. Robert Kennedy
3. Ted Kennedy
4. ANY Kennedy (including in-laws)

has been arrested for

1. leaving the scene of an accident
2. leaving the scene of a fatal accident
3. possession of heroin
4. possession of cocaine
5. murder
6. DWI
7. bootlegging
8. spying for a foreign government
9. mafia associations
10. DWI
11. statutory rape
12. kicking a nurse in the pelvis and knocking her to the ground (honestly, who saw that one coming?)
13. DWI
14. driving erratically and crashing into a barricade in Washington D.C.
15. driving erratically and crashing into an off-duty Coast Guard officer in Rhode Island
16. Leaving the scene of a fatal accident

According to

1. local police
2. state police
3. FBI
4. Homeland Security
5. Scotland Yard
6. Interpol

Kennedy was

1. belligerent
2. drunk
3. stupid
4. high on cocaine
5. high on heroin
6. belligerent, drunk, stupid, under the influence of  heroin and/or cocaine

and through his actions endangered the lives of

1. his wife
2. his mistress
3. his teenage mistress
4. his infant son
5. his teenage mistress’s infant son
6. hospital employees
7. by-standers
8. those in the vicinity
9. those within a five-mile radius
10. anyone who has ever come into contact with him

Kennedy has

1. declared his innocence
2. said that it was all just a “misunderstanding”
3. apologized for his actions
4. entered rehab
5. blamed his actions on (please choose one): a) heroin abuse b) cocaine abuse c) psychological trauma d) George Bush

Through his lawyer Kennedy

1. promised to do better in the future
2. promised to sue

And there you have it readers.  People scoffed at me and said I was crazy but I knew my Kennedy Malfeasance template would come in handy one day.

Now onto more important things like disposing of this prostitute.  I just hope she doesn’t have any relatives that might come around asking annoying questions.

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