In a shocking turn of events respected crime fighter McGruff the Crime Dog was arrested today on charges of extortion and “facilitating prostitution.”
“We had him under surveillance for a long time” said an FBI official. “Naturally because of his stellar reputation and the fact that kids looked up to him we didn’t want to make an arrest until we had all the facts.”
And the facts are these:
- McGruff apparently ran a sizable interstate loansharking syndicate. Trading on his popularity McGruff would loan desperate businessman money at 45 1/2 percent interest. Those who could not repay were dealt with brutally. Fingers would be sawed off. Eyes gouged out. Spines severed. One such victim, apparently so traumatized he is only able to utter the words, “No mas! No mas!” over and over gave a written statement in which he recounts being tortured by McGruff’s goons while McGruff stood by approvingly. McGruff also taunted the unfortunate victim with a variation of his trademark phrase of “Take a bite out of crime“: “Take a bite out of this asshole!“
- McGruff financed his loansharking venture through prostitution. “McGruff the Crime Dog?” said a local. “That’s what you white people called him. To us he was Pimp Daddy McGruff. We respected him. He took care of his bitches.”
McGruff had a staple of call girls available for every occasion. The Oscars, People’s Choice and the Grammy’s were serviced by McGruff’s girls. The NAACP Image Awards particularly would make use of his prostitutes. “He had all the best girls. Not street hookers you know. Only high class ho’s!” said a music executive.
A psychologist with the FBI suggests that McGruff’s illegal activity may have been caused by the fact that he was never neutered. “Obviously still having testicles he was very aggressive and territorial. That’s why I always say ‘When in doubt, chop them off.’ ”
Indeed McGruff would taunt other dogs by opening up his trademark overcoat and saying “Take a look at my low-hanging ball sack. That’s right. Get up there and sniff it. That’s why I’m the alpha dog!”
Given the extent of his crime activity many are asking why he wasn’t busted earlier.
“No one wanted to believe the truth at first” said a reporter. “I guess the public just needs heroes.”
McGruff is currently being held without bail. Through his lawyer he maintains his innocence.
“This is all just a misunderstanding. Pimp Daddy, er, I mean McGruff the Crime Dog will be back before long. And to all the kids I say, ‘Take a bite out of crime.’ ”
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I’m afraid my dog has fallen to a life of crime too. I know he has a stable of bitches and he has a large stash of bones, which is strange only because we don’t eat meat in this house. we can’t afford to eat meat. I sure hope my dog doesn’t get busted.
McGruff stared too long into the abyss, unfortunately.
But at least the folks at the Oscars had a good time after the show. God knows the awards ceremony sucks.
Shamus: It’s a sad story that happens all to often with undercover cops. Eventually they turn “native.”
P.S. How goes your leakage problem?
http://manhattaninfidel.com/2012/02/21/happy-blogoversary-the-leakage-edition/
You know, its racist to make these claims. Don’t ask me how, or why, but the MSM will tell us that it’s racist!
If mcgruff can spin this as him helping the black community – We respected him. He took care of his bitches. – is a good start, he can walk away scot-free i think.