Here at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel our mission statement includes three two basic elements:  to provide my readers with hard-hitting news stories, to better the lives of my readers through intellectual stimulation and to masturbate in all 50 states.

In keeping with my desire to intellectually stimulate my readers I now present my review of the much-anticipate film Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter based on the 2010 novel by Seth Grahame-Smith.  Even though the movie will not be released until June I was able to see an early preview thanks to my contacts in show business you want fries with that?

I must say that despite being produced by Tim Burton I was greatly disappointed in the movie the theater was out of popcorn. Though a first rate production I was not able to suspend my disbelief talk about disbelief what the hell do you mean you’re out of popcorn? because of the glaring historical inaccuracies of the movie.

Let’s start with Lincoln’s accent.  As any student of history knows Lincoln was born in Kentucky and had a high-pitched Kentucky accent.  Yet the actor who plays Lincoln, Benjamin Walker is from Georgia and plays Lincoln with a deep baritone.  This grating historical inaccuracy well if you have no popcorn I had better be able to masturbate in your bathroom detracted from my enjoyment of the movie.

The next historical inaccuracy involves Mary Lincoln.  In real life Mary Lincoln was short, fat and unpleasant.  Kind of like a Danny DeVito with hair.  In the movie Mary Todd Lincoln is portrayed by the beautiful actress Mary Elizabeth Winstead. Again because of this historical inaccuracy I was unable to truly enjoy the movie no popcorn and you won’t let me masturbate in your bathroom?  When did America become a police state?

But let’s quickly move onto the central conceit of the movie:  that Abraham Lincoln, 16th president of the United States was a vampire hunter.  Now as most historians admit except the sober ones Lincoln did in fact hunt vampires on the side.  But this movie makes it appear that the hunting of the undead was Lincoln’s Sine qua non.

As any student of history knows, and Manhattan Infidel is a student of history I took history classes because the sex ed ones were already filled up Lincoln’s first priority was saving the Union, not killing vampires as his letter to Horace Greeley makes clear:

I would save the Union.  If there be those who would not save the Union unless at the same time they could save the vampires I do not agree with them.  If there be those who would not save the Union unless at the same time they could destroy the vampires I do not agree with them.  If I could save the Union without killing any vampires I would do it, and if I could save it by killing all the vampires I would do it.  And if I could do it by killing some and leaving the other vampires alone I would do it.

And so readers despite its interesting premise I must regrettably give two thumbs down to Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter.  May I use your bathroom?

Manhattan Infidel

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