Here at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel I am always looking for a cheap hooker subjects to interview.  World leaders?  Sports figures? Hollywood superstars? You name it I have interviewed libeled them all.  But today I’m taking a different track. Everyone loves eating.  And so I present my exclusive interview with the delicious dish known as jerk chicken.

Jerk Chicken:  Good morning.  It’s nice to be here.

MI: Wow you look great.

Jerk Chicken:  Thank you.  You’re so sweet.

MI:  I want to eat you.

Jerk Chicken:  Play your cards right Manhattan Infidel and you can do anything you want to me.

MI: Really?  Wow.

Jerk Chicken:  Just promise me you’ll respect me.

MI:  What?

Jerk Chicken:  I’m tired of men just using me for their own selfish pleasure.

MI:  Well, isn’t that kinda why you’re here?  For our pleasure?

Jerk Chicken:  You don’t respect me!  I knew it!  You’re just like the others!  You men are all alike!  Don’t touch me!  Don’t look at me!  I hate you!  I hate you Manhattan Infidel!  I hate you!

MI:  Calm down will you?  I was just asking a question.

Jerk Chicken:  So you still love me?

MI:  Of course.  I always will love jerk chicken.

Jerk Chicken:  Then prove it.  Buy me some shoes.  I have my heart set on some Victoria Beckham no heel boots. They are only $2600.  If you love me you’ll buy a pair for me.

MI:  That’s kind of beyond my price range.

Jerk Chicken: You don’t love me!  Get out!  Get out now!

Bodyguard Chicken:  Is this man bothering you Miss Jerk?

Jerk Chicken: Yes he is!

MI:  Who’s that?

Jerk Chicken:  He’s my bodyguard.

Bodyguard Chicken:  You know what we do to people who bother Miss Jerk?  [He punches Manhattan Infidel in the stomach.]

MI:  [Doubling over in pain.] Son of a bitch!  That hurts.

Jerk Chicken:  You don’t know what pain is.  If you don’t buy me my boots after eating me I’ll make you feel real pain every time you go to the bathroom.

Bodyguard Chicken:  [Kicks Manhattan Infidel in the groin.]  Now why don’t you be nice and buy Miss Jerk those boots she wants?

MI:  [Lying on ground in pain.]  Why are you being such a jerk?

Jerk Chicken:  It’s who I am.  You knew that.  [She and Bodyguard Chicken leave.]

MI:  [Lying on ground in pain he notices someone standing over him.]  Who are you?

Masturbation Chicken:  I’m masturbation chicken.  [Extending hand.]  Shake?

MI:  I don’t think so.  What the hell are you doing?  Stop that.  That’s disgusting.

Masturbation Chicken:  Oh don’t be such a wet blanket.  Everyone does it.

Sodomy Chicken:  Can I get in on the action?

MI:  Who’s that?

Masturbation Chicken:  That’s my cousin Sodomy Chicken.

Sodomy Chicken:  A threesome.  This is going to be fun.

MI: Nooooooooooooooooo!

The rest of the interview is too shameful for me to relate to my readers.  If only I had bought Jerk Chicken those boots.

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The annual hot dog eating contest of Mt. Holly, New Jersey was in trouble.  Held every July 4th and with proceeds going to charity the event drew less people with each passing year.

“We just couldn’t compete with Coney Island” said an organizer.  The organizers tried other foods besides hot dogs.  Hamburgers, pizza, cheese steaks, even liver were all tried to no avail. Staring at bankruptcy they tried one last desperate measure:  The competitive eating contest would use children.

“Surprisingly we found that lots of people would pay to see children being eaten.”

Now in its seventh year, the renamed “Mt. Holly Human Child Eating Contest” has drawn worldwide fame.  Many competitive eaters now consider the contest a must-do event.

Over the years many methods of eating children have evolved.  Last year’s winner explains:

I hadn’t eaten children before I signed up for this contest so I had to practice.  Find out the best method.  I started out small., using cats as test subjects.  After eating 30 cats at one sitting I moved onto children.  They are a little different than cats but the principle is the same. I start out by cracking the head open, which is easy to do and eating the brains which are surprisingly nutritious.  Once the head is gone the rest is easy.  Though I don’t like the feat.  They are tough and leathery.

The winner from the year before that has an entirely different method.

I like to dunk the children in a glass of water first.  This softens them up.  Then I start with the fingers which are small and crunchy, like a Kit Kat bar.

Another long-time contestant prefers the “two-fisted” method.

I grab a child in each hand and take turns eating them.  That way I can usually be ahead of the other eaters when the final tally comes.

Despite the popularity of the contest there were concerns at first that eating children was unconstitutional.  But the Supreme Court decision, “Cannibal vs. Killjoy” settled the issue by declaring that the eating of children is not illegal as long as the children do not cross state lines.  In the majority opinion Chief Justice Roberts wrote:

Eating children does not violate the constitution.  Not that I know anything about the constitution.  I mean did you read my decision in the Obamacare case?

Another problem facing the contest was whether to eat live or dead children.  After much experimentation it was decided to eat live children, a decision that was very popular with the contestants.

“The kids definitely taste a lot better when they are alive.  They still have all their juices” said one.

The only thing standing in the way of the continued popularity of the contest is the chronic problem of regurgitated child parts.

“A lot of the contestants are amateurs and after consuming three or four children start vomiting into the crowd.”

A woman who attended last year’s contest tells her story:

I was excited to see it because I’ve heard so much about it so I showed up early and got a seat in the front row.  I was having a blast rooting on the eaters when one started projectile vomiting all over the place.  I got hit in the face with an eyeball and a big toe.  I think it was an eyeball. It might have been a testicle.

Contest organizers have vowed to fix the problem with next year’s event.

“We’re going to have the people closest to the stage cover themselves with plastic.  It works for Gallagher, why not for the child eaters?”

Because of the popularity of the contest a Competitive Child Eating League is being formed.

“We hope to have franchises in eight cities” said the president.

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The discovery of a 4th century papyrus that mentions a wife of Jesus has biblical scholars around the globe debating its authenticity.

Perhaps the most controversial segment of the papyrus is a 1.5 by 3 inch fragment that contains the phrase, “Jesus said to them, my wife…..”

Said one scholar:

Why wouldn’t Jesus be married.  He was the son of God after all, and women find power sexy.  Besides celibacy sounds so Red State, don’t you agree?

Another scholar concurs:

Not only was Jesus married but I bet he probably provided his wife with free birth control.  Because Jesus loved everyone and you can bet he wouldn’t have a war with women going on.  That’s a scientific fact!  

In addition to the mention of a wife, the papyrus, which has been dubbed the “Definitely not Fake” papyrus by theologians contains a treasure trove of new information about the life and teachings of Jesus.

Among the revelations are Jesus’ opinion of Mitt Romney:

Jesus saith unto them, “Beware Mitt Romney, who comes to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly hates Mexicans.”

Reputable scholars are in agreement that this is something Jesus would indeed say.

“Jesus was compassionate.  And no one with compassion can vote Republican. And all Republicans are racist.  Romney is a Republican.  Hence his disdain for brown people.” 

Jesus’ hatred of businessmen:

Jesus saith unto them, “You have a soul?  You didn’t build that.”

“As a liberal Democrat Jesus was no doubt very pro-union.  This explains his hatred, a compassionate hatred, of businessmen and other fat cats.”

Jesus’ concern for healthy dietary standards:

Jesus said, “I thirst.  But not for 32-ounce Big Gulps.”

“Look, Jesus was probably a vegetarian. Or more likely a Vegan.  A vegan who only used one sheet of toilet paper per bowel movement because he cared about the environment.  And he knew 32-ounce drinks were racist and led to an epidemic of obesity among peoples of color.”

Jesus also shows his concern for the environment in this telling fragment from the papyrus:

 Jesus said “Come to me all that labor – except for coal miners who are bitter and cling to religion.”

“Jesus hated coal mining and wanted to shut them all down and replace them with wind power, as any compassionate man would do.

Jesus also displays his love for soft power:

Jesus saith to Peter, “Get behind me Satan, and watch me lead from behind.”

“Jesus was certainly no go-it-alone cowboy like George W. Bush.  He valued his allies and sought consensus in all situations.  He would never do anything unless his disciples all agreed and then he would lead from behind, like all smart people do.”

His hatred of organized religion:

Jesus said to the crowd, “I am spiritual but not religious.”

“There is really no explanation needed for this.  Stupid and intolerant people are religious.  The compassionate elite are spiritual.  No way would Jesus ever be caught obeying a religion.”

And finally his love of Apple products:

And Jesus said to multitude, “I love the apps on my new iPhone.”

There is some disagreement among scholars on this, with many asking why he didn’t use a blackberry.

“Oh come on.  He was the son of God.  With that kind of inside information he would have known that blackberrys’ suck.  They have frequent outages and are obsolete.  And he wouldn’t have a Droid either.  Jesus was cool and cool people have iPhones.”

So all in all the recently-discovered papyrus shows a Jesus who hates Republicans, coal-mining, go-it-alone cowboyism of the George W. Bush variety, organized religion, sugary soft drinks and business owners.

“All the evidence on this papyrus shows that he was a liberal.  Now that’s a Jesus the elite can believe in.”

The “Definitely not Fake” papyrus will be on display at the New York Public Library’s main branch until election day.

“It is hoped that people who are thinking of voting against Barack Obama will see the papyrus and believe.”

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With the riots in Libya and Egypt I have decided, for the benefit of my readers who may be unaware of the root causes of such riots, to publish the Rioting Muslim Template™.  As always, if you are caught or killed in a Muslim riot the President of the United States will disavow any knowledge of your actions.  Then he will apologize.  Then he will deny the apology.  Then he will accuse his opponent in the election of playing politics.  Then he will jet off to New York for a $40,000 a plate fundraiser.

Muslims riot and storm U.S. embassies because

1. The United State has oppressed the Muslim peoples!
2. The United States stole Andalusia from the Caliphate of Cordoba in the 11th century
3. Reason?  We need a reason?
4. My goat is very very sick
5. It’s hot as hell in Philadelphia (someone open up a window!)
6. Jews!

To prevent Muslims from taking over American embassies Americans should

1. Refrain from insulting the prophet
2. Refrain from insulting Islam
3. My goat.  Please.  Save her.
4. Rewrite our constitution to restrict free speech and enact anti-blasphemy laws (but only for Islam not Christianity)
5. Someone ought to open up a window! (No no no!  Too many flies!  Too many flies!)  But it’s hot as hell in Philadelphia!
6. Jews!

If you happen to see Muslims attempting to scale the walls of the American Embassy you are stationed at

1. Do not panic!  After all, storming an embassy is a serious breach of international law.  The host country would never let that happen
2. Trust the embassy guards.  The host country put them there for a reason.  They are highly trained and your safety is paramount to them
3. How am I supposed to mount my goat if she is dead.  My goat.  Please.  Save her.
4. Find a laptop and Tweet the experience.  Remember you are not in danger.  The security guards will stay at their stations at the risk of death
5. Jews!

Muslims have scaled the walls of the embassy, are setting fires and shooting people.  What do you do?

1. Resign yourself to your fate.  It is your fault after all.  I mean, you must have insulted the prophet. Or not.  It doesn’t really matter but you are an infidel and deserve to die.  And no virgins for you!
2. Try to reason with the rioters.  Say something that will appeal to them such as, “President Barack Obama loves Muslims.  Not like the cowboy Bush.”
3. Okay.  That didn’t work and they still seem intent on killing you.  (See no. 1)
4. Basically you’re screwed pal.  I bet it was the ice cream cone you are eating.  It insults the prophet
5. My goat.  Please.  I need her to take my seed.
6. Jews!

You’ve been shot 12 times, your hair is on fire and you are suffering from smoke inhalation

1. Know that your death will be a sacrifice for freedom
2. Thank god you wore respectable underwear, as your pants will probably come off as your body is dragged through the streets
3. You really should have saved his goat when you had the chance
4. When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty I am reminded of the decadence of western culture.
5. Jews!

It is my hope that this Rioting Muslim Template™ will in some small way contribute to peace and understanding between our peoples.

NOW GET YOUR F#$#$ING GOAT OFF MY LAWN!

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