Swedish Chef Shot Dead!

Der Dee Derdy DerpPopular TV personality The Swedish Chef was gunned down by police at a DWI checkpoint last night.

According to state troopers at approximately 1:27 am a BMV driven by the Swedish Chef approached the DWI checkpoint and was ordered to stop.

We approached said vehicle and asked the driver to turn off the ignition.  We then asked the driver if he had been drinking that night.  He responded by saying, “Gerpity derp derp.  Bort Bort Bort!”  Naturally none of us was able to understand this nonsense which raised our suspicions.

The Chef was then asked to egress from the vehicle, escalating the situation.

The first thing we noticed is that no one could see his eyes.  This made us think that maybe he was trying to hide the fact that he was on some sort of drug. 

Another officer at the scene verifies the tense situation.

The freak had a chicken in one hand and he was waving a meat cleaver in the other.  And he kept repeating “Bort bort bort” over and over again.  Naturally we assumed he was on horse tranquilizers which would have made him very dangerous.  So we drew our guns and told him to put the meat cleaver and the chicken down and to step away from the vehicle.

The Swedish Chef apparently ignored the troopers and according to eye witnesses took a few steps towards them, all the while still holding the chicken and meat cleaver and shouting “Bort bort bort!“It was then that troopers opened fire and the ensuing fusillade of bullets literally cut the chef in two.

He was still alive when I approached him. He had time to say “Aweenda shmure da froog’s legs” before he expired.  I don’t know what the hell that means. Probably drug speak of some kind.  Who knows with these junkies.

This marks the second loss in recent weeks for the Muppets, following closely upon the execution of Fozzie Bear by the Taliban.

From the Greek island of Mykonos where he is vacationing with Miss Piggy, Kermit blamed the troopers for the tragedy and promised to set up a nonprofit foundation called “Justice for the Swedish Chef” whose proceeds will benefit his family.

As for the troopers, many are expressing disbelief when told of the identity of the man they gunned down.“Swedish?  He sounded more Norwegian to me” said one.


2 Responses

  1. Well, he was yelling Bort, Bort, Bort which could be confused for Alla Akbar! I would have turned his lights out, too.

  2. Well if he wasn’t on drugs, he certainly was being a danger to the other road users. I mean, have you ever tried driving with a chicken in one hand and a meat cleaver in the other? Especially if the chicken is still alive. He does not belong on the road.

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