Competitive Eating Contest Uses Children

 There are many ways to eat a child

The annual hot dog eating contest of Mt. Holly, New Jersey was in trouble.  Held every July 4th and with proceeds going to charity the event drew less people with each passing year.

“We just couldn’t compete with Coney Island” said an organizer.  The organizers tried other foods besides hot dogs.  Hamburgers, pizza, cheese steaks, even liver were all tried to no avail. Staring at bankruptcy they tried one last desperate measure:  The competitive eating contest would use children.

“Surprisingly we found that lots of people would pay to see children being eaten.”

Now in its seventh year, the renamed “Mt. Holly Human Child Eating Contest” has drawn worldwide fame.  Many competitive eaters now consider the contest a must-do event.

Over the years many methods of eating children have evolved.  Last year’s winner explains:

I hadn’t eaten children before I signed up for this contest so I had to practice.  Find out the best method.  I started out small., using cats as test subjects.  After eating 30 cats at one sitting I moved onto children.  They are a little different than cats but the principle is the same. I start out by cracking the head open, which is easy to do and eating the brains which are surprisingly nutritious.  Once the head is gone the rest is easy.  Though I don’t like the feat.  They are tough and leathery.

The winner from the year before that has an entirely different method.

I like to dunk the children in a glass of water first.  This softens them up.  Then I start with the fingers which are small and crunchy, like a Kit Kat bar.

Another long-time contestant prefers the “two-fisted” method.

I grab a child in each hand and take turns eating them.  That way I can usually be ahead of the other eaters when the final tally comes.

Despite the popularity of the contest there were concerns at first that eating children was unconstitutional.  But the Supreme Court decision, “Cannibal vs. Killjoy” settled the issue by declaring that the eating of children is not illegal as long as the children do not cross state lines.  In the majority opinion Chief Justice Roberts wrote:

Eating children does not violate the constitution.  Not that I know anything about the constitution.  I mean did you read my decision in the Obamacare case?

Another problem facing the contest was whether to eat live or dead children.  After much experimentation it was decided to eat live children, a decision that was very popular with the contestants.

“The kids definitely taste a lot better when they are alive.  They still have all their juices” said one.

The only thing standing in the way of the continued popularity of the contest is the chronic problem of regurgitated child parts.

“A lot of the contestants are amateurs and after consuming three or four children start vomiting into the crowd.”

A woman who attended last year’s contest tells her story:

I was excited to see it because I’ve heard so much about it so I showed up early and got a seat in the front row.  I was having a blast rooting on the eaters when one started projectile vomiting all over the place.  I got hit in the face with an eyeball and a big toe.  I think it was an eyeball. It might have been a testicle.

Contest organizers have vowed to fix the problem with next year’s event.

We’re going to have the people closest to the stage cover themselves with plastic.  It works for Gallagher, why not for the child eaters?”

Because of the popularity of the contest a Competitive Child Eating League is being formed.

“We hope to have franchises in eight cities” said the president.


2 Responses

  1. “The only thing standing in the way of the continued popularity of the contest is the chronic problem of regurgitated child parts.”

    That’s understandable. We have the same problem at our annual spotted owl barbeque.

  2. I thought Gallagher was a child-eater.

    Wow. Who knew?

    Also–Obama ate dogs…for real.

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