The discovery of a 4th century papyrus that mentions a wife of Jesus has biblical scholars around the globe debating its authenticity.

Perhaps the most controversial segment of the papyrus is a 1.5 by 3 inch fragment that contains the phrase, “Jesus said to them, my wife…..”

Said one scholar:

Why wouldn’t Jesus be married.  He was the son of God after all, and women find power sexy.  Besides celibacy sounds so Red State, don’t you agree?

Another scholar concurs:

Not only was Jesus married but I bet he probably provided his wife with free birth control.  Because Jesus loved everyone and you can bet he wouldn’t have a war with women going on.  That’s a scientific fact!  

In addition to the mention of a wife, the papyrus, which has been dubbed the “Definitely not Fake” papyrus by theologians contains a treasure trove of new information about the life and teachings of Jesus.

Among the revelations are Jesus’ opinion of Mitt Romney:

Jesus saith unto them, “Beware Mitt Romney, who comes to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly hates Mexicans.”

Reputable scholars are in agreement that this is something Jesus would indeed say.

“Jesus was compassionate.  And no one with compassion can vote Republican. And all Republicans are racist.  Romney is a Republican.  Hence his disdain for brown people.” 

Jesus’ hatred of businessmen:

Jesus saith unto them, “You have a soul?  You didn’t build that.”

“As a liberal Democrat Jesus was no doubt very pro-union.  This explains his hatred, a compassionate hatred, of businessmen and other fat cats.”

Jesus’ concern for healthy dietary standards:

Jesus said, “I thirst.  But not for 32-ounce Big Gulps.”

“Look, Jesus was probably a vegetarian. Or more likely a Vegan.  A vegan who only used one sheet of toilet paper per bowel movement because he cared about the environment.  And he knew 32-ounce drinks were racist and led to an epidemic of obesity among peoples of color.”

Jesus also shows his concern for the environment in this telling fragment from the papyrus:

 Jesus said “Come to me all that labor – except for coal miners who are bitter and cling to religion.”

“Jesus hated coal mining and wanted to shut them all down and replace them with wind power, as any compassionate man would do.

Jesus also displays his love for soft power:

Jesus saith to Peter, “Get behind me Satan, and watch me lead from behind.”

“Jesus was certainly no go-it-alone cowboy like George W. Bush.  He valued his allies and sought consensus in all situations.  He would never do anything unless his disciples all agreed and then he would lead from behind, like all smart people do.”

His hatred of organized religion:

Jesus said to the crowd, “I am spiritual but not religious.”

“There is really no explanation needed for this.  Stupid and intolerant people are religious.  The compassionate elite are spiritual.  No way would Jesus ever be caught obeying a religion.”

And finally his love of Apple products:

And Jesus said to multitude, “I love the apps on my new iPhone.”

There is some disagreement among scholars on this, with many asking why he didn’t use a blackberry.

“Oh come on.  He was the son of God.  With that kind of inside information he would have known that blackberrys’ suck.  They have frequent outages and are obsolete.  And he wouldn’t have a Droid either.  Jesus was cool and cool people have iPhones.”

So all in all the recently-discovered papyrus shows a Jesus who hates Republicans, coal-mining, go-it-alone cowboyism of the George W. Bush variety, organized religion, sugary soft drinks and business owners.

“All the evidence on this papyrus shows that he was a liberal.  Now that’s a Jesus the elite can believe in.”

The “Definitely not Fake” papyrus will be on display at the New York Public Library’s main branch until election day.

“It is hoped that people who are thinking of voting against Barack Obama will see the papyrus and believe.”

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