Mmmm. That flesh tastes sweet

Christmas Eve.  A time of peace and caroling.  Stockings are hung by the fire in hopes that the patriarchal paradigm will reward us for our submissive behavior.  Soon St. Nick will appear. Unless you die first, of course.  Police in the metro area are getting reports of a sloppily dressed crooner with a pipe singing for people and then eating them.

“The front door rang” said one survivor.

And I opened the door.  Bing Crosby was standing there in the flesh.  Well, as much flesh of him that hadn’t fallen off.  He started singing.  Normally I would have shut the door but who can resist Bing Crosby singing White Christmas on Christmas Eve? So I invited him in.

After being invited in, Crosby, or his zombie equivalent, sat by the fire place and regaled the family with Christmas tunes and stories of Hollywood in its glory days.

I remember during the making of Road to Singapore Bob Hope and I had a bet on who would be the first to sleep with Dorothy Lamour.  I thought I would win.  What woman can resist a crooner.  But let’s say that Hope’s penis was a large as his nose and leave it at that.

It was this off-color anecdote that convinced the family to throw Crosby out.

It was then that he got belligerent.  He grabbed my wife and started eating her arm.  At first I thought it was just some crazy Hollywood joke but then my wife started screaming. I got scared and hit Crosby with a shovel and threw him out.  Now my wife’s a zombie!  But on the bright side if she’s dead I don’t have to pay her alimony I guess.

After being thrown out Crosby went from house to house, knocking on doors and asking the residents if they had seen Bob Hope.  When told that Hope had not been spotted Crosby would take a bite out of whomever answered the door.

It was after the eighth house had been attacked that police mobilized.

“We’ve been expecting the zombie apocalypse for years” said a police lieutenant.

We have drones, explosives, enough ammunition to kill every Mormon.  What?  We’re not fighting Mormons?  Never mind.  We still have enough ammunition to kill every damn zombie we see.  I was just hoping it would be W.C. Fields and not Bing Crosby.  I’ve always liked his singing.

Despite their ammunition the police were not able to stop zombie Bing.

I guess we didn’t think it through too clearly.  I mean he’s already dead.  What good would shooting him do?  I know, you’re supposed to shoot zombies in the head.  But we are police officers.  We’re notoriously bad shots, except against private citizens defending the second amendment.

With all other options gone, police decided to pay a call on David Bowie.

He was reluctant at first to help us.  “Please don’t make me sing Little Drummer Boy again” he kept begging.  But eventually we wore him down.  We told him it was his patriotic duty to help us.  He agreed.  Though it might have been our crisp blue uniforms.

After being flown into the kill zone, Bowie was dropped off and told to distract Crosby.  He was unsuccessful as zombie Crosby attacked Bowie, throwing him onto his stomach and biting his neck and back.  Bowie could be heard screaming, “Stop!  I gave up this sexual practice in the 1980s!”

With Bowie now turned into a zombie, he and Crosby cut a wide swath across the United States, eating anyone unlucky enough to cross their paths.

President Obama is scheduled to address the nation about the Crosby/Bowie zombie menace.

Those who have seen a rough draft of the president’s speech say that it asks all Americans to remain calm and to remember the many contributions zombies have made to world culture.

“Let us welcome zombies into our homes. Now is not the time to appear triumphalist about being non-dead.”

***Breaking News***

Zombie Bob Hope has joined forces with Crosby and Bowie and they threaten to eat every last living person.  And then make a Road movie.

(997)

I hate A&E!

As everyone is now aware, Phil Robertson of A&E’s wildly popular “Duck Dynasty” has been suspended indefinitely by the network after his controversial statements regarding homosexuality.  I am lucky enough to have Phil here today for an exclusive sit down.

Manhattan Infidel: Good morning Mr. Robertson.

Phil Robertson: Good morning sir.  It’s a pleasure to be here.

Manhattan Infidel: Let’s get right to the controversy.  You’ve been suspended by A&E after you equated homosexuality with sin.

Phil Robertson: Yes.  It was an honest question so I gave an honest answer.  According to my beliefs as a Christian homosexuality is sinful.

Manhattan Infidel: Many people were offended by your comments and regarded it as hate speech.

Phil Robertson: Yes. I know.  I don’t believe it was hate speech but obviously some people do.  Let me just say – 

[Alec Baldwin enters]

You motherf*cking f*ggot ass c*cksucker!

Alec Baldwin: Hold on.  Hold on.  Hate speech?  Which mothef*cking f*ggot ass c*cksucker is talking hatred? The f*ggot!

Manhattan Infidel:  Mr. Baldwin, hello.  I was just talking here with Phil Robertson about his suspension from A&E over his statements.

Alec Baldwin: You conservatives and your hate speech make me angry.  Just like that f*ggot c*cksucker Chinese boy who delivered my take out.

You’re a f*ggot aren’t you?

Motherf*cking f*ggot got my order wrong.

Manhattan Infidel: But Mr. Baldwin, you’ve made statements that are far more incendiary than Mr. Robertson’s.

Alec Baldwin: F*ck you, pal.  F*ck you and stay out of my way you little f*ggot.  Do you know what I do to c*cksuckers like you?  I turn then around and rub my d*ck against their ass, just like I did with that photographer.

You like this don’t you, you little f*ggot c*cksucker!

  But not in a sexual f*ggot way.  You conservatives and your hateful war on women disgust me!

Manhattan Infidel: Um.

[Martin Bashir enters]

I’ll sh*t in your mouth you whore!

Martin Bashir: Hold on.  Did someone say war on women?  Typical of conservatives.  They make me so angry I want to shit in Sarah Palin’s mouth.

Alec Baldwin:  I hear you pal.  Shit right in her piehole. That’s all women are good for. F*cking whores.

Martin Bashir:  Right back at you.  Hey, let’s find some conservative women and shit on them.

Alec Baldwin:  Great idea. I can’t wait to see your ass, but not in a sexual f*ggot way.

F*ggot!

Martin Bashir: F*ggot whore women.  I’m going to shit all over them.

[silence]

Manhattan Infidel:  So Phil, how about we head out to a bar and get a drink.

Phil Robertson:  Sounds good to me.  Anything to get away from those two.  They are very angry.

And so the Duck Dynasty patriarch and I found a bar and had  a few beers.  It was very relaxing. And not an angry liberal in sight.

(1061)

I support the United States and the war on….um…what’s that noise?

In  what will certainly be a major embarrassment for the Obama Administration, a key ally in the War on Terror, King Moonracer, was killed in a drone attack yesterday.

Multiple sources confirm that King Moonracer was killed at 2:40 pm local time while strolling the grounds of his palace waiting for an Amazon drone to deliver his copy of the Complete Bing Crosby Christmas Specials.

“Our beloved King is dead” ran the official statement.

He spent his entire life caring for his subjects. Many a resident of the Island of Misfit Toys remembers fondly the Christmas Eve tradition of his majesty inviting us to the Royal Castle so we could all watch the Bing Crosby Christmas Specials together. Now all that is gone because of American militarism.

While the incident is still being investigated, it appears that King Moonracer was the victim of a programming malfunction. At the same exact moment that the king placed his order for a fresh copy of Crosby’s specials, the CIA had launched a drone to take out an al Qaeda leader.

In a series of tragic mistakes the CIA drone was misdirected to Moonracer’s castle while the Amazon drone safely delivered its package to a warlord in Somalia.

Witnesses say that Moonracer was pacing about impatiently awaiting his delivery when the drone appeared over his castle.

“That’s it!  That’s the drone that’s going to deliver the Bing Crosby shows for the kids” exclaimed Moonracer excitedly.

Instead the drone launched a missile at Moonracer, severely injuring him.

As he lay in the wreckage of his castle, his tail torn off,  three limbs missing and and eye socket blown out, Moonracer moaned, “Why?  Why would Bing Crosby do this to me?”

Its software sensing that Moonracer was still alive, a second missile was launched, this time fatally killing the King.

“Dude, his body parts were blown all over the island” said a resident.

In Somalia, meanwhile, al Qaeda warlords ran for cover as the Amazon drone appeared overhead.

“Many thought they were going to die” according to witnesses.

Instead the drone softly landed in their compound and delivered the Bing Crosby DVDs.  The warlords were confused at first, with many fearing it was an American trick.

“Do you see how the Americans mock us with this decadent Bing person!”

The DVDs were burned and the unfortunate drone left to be mounted by goats.

From Washington President Obama apologized for the unfortunate death of King Moonracer and praised his leadership, calling him an important ally in the war on terror.

The Island of Misfit Toys has declared a state of emergency placing its military in a high state of alert for a possible attack on the United States.

“Never again will we allow the United States to attack us” said its acting leader, the polka dot spotted elephant.

(1549)

Buy my f*cking clothing line, you proles!

As the civilized word now knows, rapper, philanthropist and husband of Beyonce has started his own clothing line for sale exclusively at Barneys.

Being a man of sophistication, refinement and taste come on just touch it I decided to visit Barneys to check out sir Jay Z’s clothing line personally. I found his clothing line to be original, practical and witty.  Particularly the prices.  Very witty prices.  I have included a few of his clothes here in case my readers are interested in buying some.

• The Jay Z Ski Mask ($750)

This item caught my attention personally.  I tried one on as I read the description:  “This takes me back to my days selling crack cocaine in the projects.  This is  a verified Jay Z-worn ski mask. Take a walk on the wild side and wear one of my masks.  Do it and you’ll feel authentic!”

• The Jay Z Hoodie ($835)

Not just any hoodie, the Jay Z hoodie screams out “I care about social justice.’  I tried it on and immediately I felt the  pain and oppression of my middle class ancestors crying out to me.  Available in black.  Also available in white for middle class suburbanites who want to look authentic but not too authentic if you know what I mean.

• The Blood Stained Jay Z Hoodie ($999)

In addition to regular Jay Z Hoodies the Blood stained specialty line is proving quite popular with shoppers. “Our specialty line of blood stained hoodies are all about Rap Integrity. When you walk around town with a blood spattered Jay Z Hoodie your friends will be impressed.  They might even ask you which rapper you got into a shootout with.  It’s authentic bitches!”

• The Jay Z Watch Collection (prices start at $1,400)

“Nothing says ‘authentic hoodlum” than sporting a Jay Z watch on your arm.  So buy one now peoples!  These watches are so authentic not only do they contain parts of watches I stole but some of them I took off the arm of  “the man” after I shot them.

• The Jay Z Oversized Baseball Cap Collection (prices start at $1,595)

The Jay Z Oversized Baseball Cap collection comes in three sizes:  Large, ridiculously large and clown size. “Hey peeps, wearing one of my specially designed caps sideways proves you’re not racist.  So do it!”

• The Jay Z Wool Cap Collection (prices start at $2,000)

With winter fast approaching who doesn’t need a wool cap to stay warm.  And Jay Z’s caps are practical and stylish.  “Yo yo yo check it out.  My wool caps are reversible.  They are black on the outside but white on the inside.  Just like me, Jay Z!”

These are just a few of the wonderful clothes you can get at Barneys.  So drop by one of their many stores and start your shopping now.  They make great Christmas gifts. And if you want to feel good about yourself, 100 percent of the profits go to the “Jay Z and Beyonce Foundation for Jay Z and Beyonce”

Man’s got to upgrade his fleet of planes, bitches.

(1700)

Drug runner Ricky Ricardo (lower right) and his partner Fred Mertz (lower left and their wives)

Popular Hispanic bandleader Ricky Ricardo was arrested after his performance at a midtown nightclub and charged with running meth between Central America and the United States.

“This is the culmination of a four-year investigation” said outgoing NYPD chief Ray Kelly.

He is a ruthless killer responsible for the deaths of his former partner Fred Mertz as well as dozens of rivals and low-level drug dealers.  He did this because he enjoys being feared.  He enjoys the lifestyle.  Being a popular Cuban, or Hispanic, bandleader with a residency at a midtown nightclub wasn’t enough for him.

According to government sources, Ricardo first got into the drug trade when he feared that he would be fired at the nightclub.  Financially desperate and lacking health insurance, Ricardo hatched a scheme with his landlord Fred Mertz to cook Meth in the basement of the apartment building Mertz owned.

Within months the duo controlled the distribution of meth throughout the eastern seaboard, ruthlessly disposing of potential rivals.

We don’t know how many the two have killed.  The bodies we’ve found are only the tip of the iceberg.  They killed people by shooting, killed people by stabbing, killed people by hanging.  They executed people and stuffed the bodies in barrels.  These were sick, sick people.

At the height of his meth empire activity, the popular Latino bandleader was estimated to be worth over 60 million dollars.

However there were tensions between the popular Hispanic bandleader and his partner Mertz. Mertz was apparently feeling guilty about his activity and wanted out.  Fearing that Mertz might go to the police Ricardo had him killed.

After Mertz’s death Ricardo’s wife, the former Lucy McGillicuddy, took over for Mertz.

She was even more ruthless than her husband.  We have her on tape many times asking Ricardo if she could “go down to the club.”  We believe that this is code of some sort.  When Lucy was asking to go to the club she was really telling her husband that she had ordered another hit.

Eventually even the popular Cuban American bandleader became frightened by his wife’s coldblooded killing.  It was Ricardo who first approached authorities about cutting a deal.

He’s frightened. Very frightened.  Who can blame him.  We have him in protective custody right now but he’s still afraid to go to sleep.  He thinks Lucy will break into prison and kill him.  You know these Hispanic types.  They are very excitable.

In the meantime an APB has been issued for Lucy Ricardo.

“She’s dangerous.  Civilians are advised to not approach but to let us know if she is sighted” said Kelly.

(944)

I need capital!

Santa Claus, founder and CEO of Santa Claus Industries, has announced that he will be filing for chapter 11. With liabilities of over 300,000 million and assets of only $1,245 Santa says that he really has no choice.

“The business has changed” said Santa.

It used to be I was the only game in town.  And I was younger and had a good time delivering presents to all the boys and girls.  But lately?  The competition from Amazon is killing me.  And I’m older too. Last year I wasn’t able to finish Christmas until December 27th.  I have a lot of parents suing me over this.

Compounding Santa’s problems was the ticking time bomb of employee pensions. With the average age of elves at 52, and with half the elf workforce already in retirement Santa had to funnel money originally slated for research and development to paying his former employee’s pensions.

“I wish I was a tougher negotiator” declared the downtrodden Santa.

My instinct told me that having to fund my employee’s retirement was a bad idea.  I mean, they have private IRAs they can and should be investing in. But the union negotiator told me that funding the elves’ pension would be “compassionate.”  So like I sucker I agreed.  And here I am now.  Compassionate?  Let’s see how compassionate the elves feel when the factory shuts down.  Goodbye pension!

The final straw for Santa was his attempt to modernize the process of asking for presents with the Santacare.gov web site.  Under Santacare all boys and girls had to register with the web site and enter information about themselves such as where they live, what presents they wanted and whether they had been naughty or nice.

But Santacare was plagued with problems from the beginning.  Children who attempted to register were greeted with a message that the site was temporarily down.

I don’t know how this happened.  I used the best and brightest web designers. These guys had worked with the government, for god’s sake.  They told me they could have the site up and running by October 1st.  So October 1st comes along and bam – the site crashes.  I had to take it down and promise to have it up and running by December 1st.  Well it’s after December 1st and it still isn’t running.  I have children calling and crying saying that they can’t register.  Many sadly will have no presents on December 25th. 

Experts who have examined Santacare.gov complain of the lack of security build into the web site.

“It’s a hacker’s paradise” said one.

Indeed the personal information that children entered is often used against them. Many children who declared themselves “naughty” had their personal information sold to Google.

“Now whenever my daughter goes online she’s bombarded with ads for vibrators” declared an irate parent.

With Santa bankrupt and his North Pole factory going into receivership many have called upon the government to take over Christmas.

Despite opposition from Republicans it is expected that a bill will be introduced to nationalize the holiday.

“I’m all for private industry” said Mitch McConnell.  “Except when the Democrats aren’t. Then I’m against it.”

(1435)