Hooray for sex abuse!

What started with the Harvey Weinstein expose has mushroomed into an industry-wide crisis as it was announced today that every studio had shut down production on every product due to the fact that all their actors were in sex rehab.

“I’ve never seen anything like this before” said one studio executive.

We had to close down everything. All movies, TV shows and talk shows in production because all the talent is currently in sex rehabilitation. No one is available! We are losing money every day because of this. If this keeps up all the studios will be bankrupt soon. I tell you Hollywood hasn’t seen a crisis like this since Ginger Rogers came out as a Republican!

Another studio head tells of the problems he encountered while on the set of a big budget production.

“Everybody was grabbing everyone else by their privates”  he complained.

The star, a top box office phenom, was backing interns up against the wall and pleasuring himself in front of them. What the hell? This guy is a huge star! He doesn’t have to go after interns. He can hire a hooker like a normal person. I had one intern ask me if his medical insurance covered a broken penis.  “The actor just grabbed it and tried to rip it off” he told me. Now we have good medical and dental but I’m not sure broken penises are covered. I don’t even like to say the words “broken penis.”  I think having that qualifies as a toxic work environment.

A third industry insider spoke of “disturbing sexual shenanigans.”

I’m a pretty open-minded guy but I saw one of our actors bring a horse into his trailer. For what I can only speculate but we had to fire the horse. He was never the same after that. He was nervous and wouldn’t let anyone mount him. Kind of like my wife. I’m just thankful that horses cannot sue in California. Not yet anyway.

With every actor in Hollywood now in sex rehab,studio officials weighed their options.

“We thought about having all female movies and TV shows” said a Paramount exec.

But unless it’s porn who wants to see a bunch of woman doing anything? I mean look at the WNBA. So we couldn’t do that. That’s when we decided to do nothing but animal shows for the foreseeable future. So we hired Garfield the Cat to star in a couple movies and TV shows. Look I’m not happy about this either but until the actors get out of rehab and hopefully learn to keep it in their pants we had precious few good options. So get used to Garfield people. He’s going to be over-saturated for the next year or two.

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Production on Garfield the Cat’s latest movie was shutdown after allegations of sexual harassment on the set.

“He just plopped down and started licking his balls. Right in front of me!” said an intern.

“If I want to subject myself to that kind of abuse I’ll go back to working for the Kennedys!”

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