Celebrate my bravery for coming out

Today at Manhattan Infidel I am interviewing a figure much in the news lately: two-time Academy award winning actor, producer, director, writer, singer and former artistic director of the Old Vic in London, Kevin Spacey.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Spacey.

KS: May I rest my hand upon your penis? Because doing so denotes ownership. If I do it that means you’re mine.

MI: Um, no. Now let’s talk about certain allegations about you that have recently come out.

KS:  Come out. Interesting choice of words.

MI: Actor Anthony Rapp has recently accused you of attempting to sexually assault him when he was 14 years old.

KS: Yes. This may have happened. But in my defense let me say I am gay.

MI:What?

KS: I am gay and choose to live as a gay man.

[Pause]

MI:Wow. That is so brave of you.

KS: I know.

MI: What were we talking about? Well whatever it was is no longer important. I applaud your act of bravery in coming out.

KS:Thank you. I am gay. A brave, gay man.

[Lee Harvey Oswald enters]

LHO:  Hello.  

Killer gay man

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MI: Lee Harvey Oswald, the man who allegedly shot JFK.

LHO: Allegedly?  Bitch please I totally shot him.

MI: So you admit it?

LHO: Yes but in my defense I am gay. I choose to live as a gay assassin.

MI: That is just so brave of you to admit this.

KS: May I rest my hand upon your penis?

LHO: No.

MI: I totally forget what we were talking about. Whatever it was isn’t important. The story now is your bravery in coming out.

LHO:  Thank you. I feel very brave.

[Adolf Hitler enters] 

I am gay!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

AH: Hello. 

MI: Ladies and gentleman it’s Adolf Hitler, the man responsible for killing six million Jews. What do you have to say for yourself?

AH:  I’m gay.

MI: Duh. We already know that. I mean, mustache? Hello?

AH: But I’m bravely coming out.

KS: May I rest my hand upon your penis?

AH: No.

MI: Okay, you’re officially coming out as gay. I’ll give you that. But you’re not getting a pass for killing six million Jews.

AH: I won’t do it again.

MI: Oh alright. I can’t stay made at you.

[Ted Bundy enters]  

Not gay and has no excuse for his actions

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TB: Hello.

MI: Ladies and gentlemen it’s Ted Bundy, who confessed to killing over 30 women.  

KS: May I rest my hand upon your penis?

TB: No.

MI: So what brings you here?  Are you officially coming out and telling the world you are gay?

TB:  I’m not gay. I’m all man. No. I have an peanut butter allergy.

MI, KS, LHO & AH:What?

TB: I have a peanut butter allergy. That’s why I killed all those women.

MI: That’s not a brave confession.

KS: I retract my offer to rest my hand upon your penis.

TB:Whatever dudes. I am out of here.

[Ted Bundy leaves]

MI: Okay well that’s about all the time I have. You know I forgot what I wanted to talk about. But I do know I am surrounded by very brave people right now.

KS: Come on. Will someone please let me rest my hand upon their penis?

MI, LHO & AH: No!

That was one of the bravest interviews I’ve ever conducted.

(75)