This is a racist document

The Democratic Party (“The Party”) today added the Declaration of Independence to its Index of Prohibited Books, joining The Bible (anti-gender fluidity), the Adventures of Tom Sawyer (the “N” word) and anything written by Stephen King (too scary).

“For too long we have tolerated this document” said Democratic National Committee chair Tom Perez.

After the alt-right violence at Charlottesville the time has come to bury this racist document once and for all. The Declaration of Independence was written by a white slave holder. The entire document enshrines the right of white supremacy. It must no longer be tolerated. It must no longer be taught in our schools Suppress it. Burn it. Expunge it from our memory.

Vermont socialist and thought leader Bernie Sanders seconded the banning of the Declaration.

Nowhere in this so-called Declaration of so-called independence is the right to free healthcare or the redistribution of income mentioned. The entire document is an ode to capitalism at its worst. And yet we call this document great?  We celebrate it every year. Why?  Instead of this document I suggest we set aside a day to celebrate the United Nations. Perhaps the UN Charter can replace the Declaration of Independence. Socialism yes. Capitalism no. I’m actually 27 years old but capitalism has aged me beyond my years.

2016 Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, while not calling outright for banning the Declaration, seemed to suggest that she is open to the idea.

I’ve seen horrors… horrors that you’ve seen. But you have no right to call me a murderer. You have a right to kill me. You have a right to do that… but you have no right to judge me. It’s impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what horror means. Horror… Horror has a face… and that face is the Declaration of Independence. I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor while reading the Declaration of Independence. That’s my dream; that’s my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight razor… and surviving. What are they going to say about me? What? Are they going to say I was a kind woman? I was a wise woman? I had plans? I had wisdom? Bullshit, man! 

House minority leader Nancy Pelosi urged the moral necessity of banning the Declaration.

Have you ever read the Declaration of Independence?  We must not read it so we cannot find out what’s in it. Every month 500 million Americans lose their jobs because of the Declaration of Independence. Boom goes the dynamite. Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra. Shaka. When the walls fell! Temba, his arms wide. 

If the Democrats are successful in banning the Declaration of Independence it will leave a void on July 4th. Some have suggested that Americans plant trees or give to a transgender charity.

“Only gender fluidity can prevent climate change” said former Vice President Al Gore.  “I mean come on!  Do you want the f*cking polar bears to drown? What the hell is wrong with you people? That does it. I’m having a cheeseburger and farting in the wind. F*ck you all.”

(101)