A bull escaped from a slaughterhouse in Queens, New York and led police on a chase before being brutally shot by the pursuing NYPD.
Detectives from the NYPD’s meat-eating division were dispatched to the scene shortly after the bull escaped and blocked off streets in an attempt to capture the bull, who clearly did not know his place in the social order.
Many hoped that the bull of color would survive his dash for freedom, a dash no doubt impelled by its innate sense of social injustice. However, it was not to be.
The plucky symbol of freedom died after being hit too many tranquilizer darts.
As its dead body was unceremoniously dumped into the back of a van and taken to a butchers, criticism mounted of the NYPD’s execution.
“I feel so sad” said one protester.
I felt connected with the bull on a spiritual level that I never felt with humans, especially meat-eating humans. The bull and I are equals. Even though I never had a chance to talk to him his struggle was the struggle of all vegan, non-binary humans trapped in their bipedal identity. I cry for my bovine brothers and I condemn the NYPD for its unprovoked assault on a creature of color!
Indeed it appears that the slaughter of the bull will have far-reaching civil rights consequences.
New York mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio) condemned the shooting.
This cowardly attack will not go unavenged. I have asked the commissioner of the NYPD to tender his resignation. I will also lead a march through the streets of Queens in memory of the bull and to protest this outrage. I have sympathies for other species. My wife is non-binary. I have reports that this bull had a fluid sexual identity which makes this shooting even more egregious. I have ordered all flags of our racist, sexist and speciesist nation within New York to fly at half-staff. To show my solidarity with the deceased quadruped tonight when I dine on pizza I will forgo a fork and use my fingers. Killing animals is wrong. Well I did kill that ground hog once but not on purpose.
In Washington DC, Democratic National Committee chairman runner up Keith Ellison condemned the bull’s murder.
Here is it 50 years after Doctor King spoke and we are still killing non-white, non-binary quadrupeds. As a Muslim I am an outsider, hunted down and feared by those in power. Especially Jews. Damn Jews. So I know how this bull felt. I will push the Democratic party to become “bullish” in principle and policy. I will also ask that cows have their clitoris mutilated. We don’t want any wild sexually voracious cows tempting bulls. The bovine orgasm is a tool of the infidel!
All New York remains united in their support for the martyred bull.
“I will stop having sex with my underage students for one week” said a middle school teacher.
“If this sacrifice doesn’t show I care then I don’t know what does.”