It’s been a fast moving day here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ and events are still unfolding so I will try to recap what has happened to the best of my ability.
- 3 am Sunday night/Monday morning
Reports first arrived of tanks and heavy artillery entering Washington DC and moving towards the White House.
- 3:30 am Sunday night/Monday morning
Tanks break through White House gates. Gunfire erupts on ground of White House. At first this is hard to confirm because it’s Washington D.C. As one local resident put it, “There’s always gunfire somewhere at 3 in the morning.”
- 4:30 am Sunday night/Monday morning
After an intense hour-long gun battle the White House is secured and a military helicopter lands on the front lawn. President Trump and First Lady Melania Trump are led handcuffed into the helicopter which takes off to the military correctional facility at Fort Leavenworth, Kansas.
- 6 am Monday morning
A communique from the Joint Chiefs of Staff is released that reads as follows:
In keeping with our constitutional duties to protect the United States from all enemies, foreign and domestic, the United States military has occupied the nation’s capital and deposed Donald Trump, who was, after much consultation with the CIA and allies in Europe, deemed a clear and present danger to our way of life. Former President Trump has been taken to Fort Leavenworth Military Prison to await trial. We realize that a coup is a drastic action that has never happened before in our nation’s history but we could not stand idly by while a dangerous man brought our country to the brink of civil war. The Joint Chiefs have no intention of administering the country and await the arrival of Hillary Clinton who will take the oath and become our 46th President.
- 9 am Monday morning
CNN commentators opine that perhaps Trump was deposed because he wouldn’t call on them at press conferences.
- 9:30 am Monday morning
MSNBC calls the coup a “redistribution of power” and praises its “Socialist European efficiency.”
- 10:30 Monday morning
Shepard Smith of Fox news, ecstatic over the coup, pleasures himself on camera calling it “The happiest day of my life.”
- 12:00 Monday afternoon
A warrant is issued for the arrest of former Vice President Mike Pence who escaped capture by the military. “We surrounded the Vice President’s residence but no one knows what he looks like frankly. I mean he’s the Vice President you know” said a commander.
- 3 pm Monday afternoon
Hillary Clinton arrives at the White House to take the oath of office. Her beaming husband, former President Bill Clinton is welcomed warmly by interns.
- 5 pm Monday afternoon
From the Oval Office President Hillary Clinton address the American people:
My fellow Americans. I stand before you today on this historic occasion fully conscious of the awful weight of responsibility that befalls on me as your first female president. Our long national nightmare is over. Donald Trump has been deposed and I, the winner of the popular vote, am now your president. I pledge to use the power of my office to …..um….are we live? BECAUSE I NEED A FUCKING DRINK THAT’S WHY!
- 5:05 pm Monday afternoon
The White House feeds goes dark due to “technical issues.”
- 6:30 pm Monday evening
A man calling himself “Mike Pence, Vice President of the United States” attempts to surrender to police but is let go after no one believes him. “I don’t know. He could have been the Vice President. Sure wish I had a photo of him to check what he looks like” said a policeman.
- 9:00 pm Monday evening
The White House resumes transmission. Standing in for Hillary is her First Man, former President Bill Clinton.
My fellow Americans. My wife, your President, is very tired and will address you tomorrow morning. That is all I have to say for now. Good night.
- 10 pm Monday evening
An intoxicated President Hillary Clinton is seen vomiting in the Rose Garden
There you have it readers. What an historic day!