Newly released documents show that the 1980 eruption of Mt. St. Helens was caused by Ernst Stavros Blofeld, head of the international criminal organization SPECTRE.
“We are releasing these documents because the public deserves to know that Blofeld was using unsafe materials in constructing an underground lair” said Acting EPA administrator Catherine McCabe.
Ernst Stavros Blofeld has a history of cutting corners when building his underground lairs. If one sets aside the argument that he should not be hollowing out volcanoes in the first place and concede that a volcano can serve as a satisfactory lair then one would hope that proper oversight and safety would be followed. This obviously was not the case.
Records indicate that on or around February of 1980 Blofeld (pictured here)
obtained a permit to hollow up Mt. St. Helens on behalf of his dummy corporation, “The Underground Lair Company of Washington.”
Once permits were obtained Blofeld, using non-union labor and with little oversight, proceeded to drill into the side of the mountain.
“We saw this bald Englishman with a scar holding a cat in the neighborhood” said a local.
At first we didn’t think anything of it. We figured he was visiting from Canada. He would always be in the diner having tea and shepherd’s pie. Eventually one of us asked him what he was doing and he mentioned that he was an international supervillain who was building a new underground lair. We just shrugged it off. So he’s eccentric. Big deal.
Once word got out about Blofeld’s excavation, regulators from the EPA visited his site and found many safety violations.
“Well for one he was using all sorts of explosives” said an investigator at the scene.
If those weren’t dangerous enough he also had nuclear warheads. Now I just work for the EPA. I’m not a chemist. Or a physicist. Or have any background in science actually but it doesn’t take a genius to see that the elements for disaster were staring us in the face.
The EPA tried to stop Blofeld’s underground lair excavations. Blofeld responded by telling a judge that he had to excavate and stay on schedule.
“Supervillains love to gossip” his affidavit said.
They are all watching me now seeing if I can finish my lair. If I can’t I’ll never hear the end of it. “Oh there goes Blofeld. Couldn’t even hollow out a volcano. And he calls himself a supervillain!” If I don’t finish this on time my plan to take over the world will fail putting tens of thousands out of work.
Eventually Blofeld was given a cease and desist order to stop work. Shortly thereafter Mt. St. Helens erupted killing approximately 57 people. Rumor has it that Blofeld scuttled his lair on purpose to show the other supervillains that if he couldn’t hollow out a volcano at least he could cause an explosion seen from space.
Using his contacts in the underworld Blofeld was able to escape to Canada before authorities could arrest him.
Blofeld has since gone on to build 27 underground lairs from hollowed out volcanoes in 12 different countries. None however in the United States.
“Jesus when did America become such a regulatory shithole” he told SPECTRE coworkers.