Captain Jean-Luc Picard Named “Most Boring Officer in Star Fleet”!

We find this man extremely boring. Make i so!

We find this man extremely boring. Make i so!

Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the starship Enterprise was named Star Fleet’s most boring officer beating out fellow shipmates Lieutenant Commander Geordi La Forge and Lieutenant Worf (son of Mogh.)

“It was a tight race” said one of the judges.

While all three are stunningly boring we found La Forge’s lack of success with the ladies, even in the Holodeck, interesting. And while Worf has been known to put people to sleep faster than an Oscars telecast he at least has an interesting sadomasochistic sex life. Picard on the other has nothing interesting about him. His command style is not interesting. His face is boring. Even in his spare time he bores other people. So he’s an amateur archaeologist. Big deal. Did you ever listen to him talk about archaeology? I’d rather listen to the Dave Matthews band. And that tells you how boring he is.

Also helping Picard win was the fact that for the first time those outside the Federation were allowed to vote.

We wanted to see what those species he makes contact with thought of him. Armus, a shape-shifting oily slick of rage (pictured here) 

I may be filled with rage but at least I'm not boring!

I may be filled with rage but at least I’m not boring!

told us that the reason he was filled with rage and had to kill Tasha Yar was that he found Picard annoying. “Super annoyingly boring” were his exact words.  “He was the source of my rage. So boring. So goddamn boring.”  Q of the Q continuum (seen here)  

Picard is very boring.

Picard is very boring.

told us that he didn’t find Picard interesting at all.  “He was like a pet. A goldfish if you will. Frankly I find goldfish more interesting. At least I can swallow them at parties.” 

But it was the Romulans who really found Picard boring.

“We’ve dealt with Picard on a few occasions” said a Romulan who participated in the survey.

It’s always painful. And boring. Very, very, very boring. We have a saying on the Romulan Homeworld:  Picarded to death. It’s the equivalent of the human saying “bored to death.”  Do you know why we developed our cloaking technology?  So Picard couldn’t find us and bore us. In fact we usually don’t go down with the ship. We started that rather than have to beam on board the Enterprise and talk to senor El Boro.

Picard, while maintaining that he is not boring was pleased with his award.

Finally some recognition. I am happy to win this. You know I am not really that boring. Why just the other day Doctor Crusher told me that she didn’t find me boring at all. Though she does have a tendency to fall asleep during sex. Or when she’s talking to me. Or in fact whenever I’m in the same room.  Poor woman must have narcolepsy.

The winner of the annual award gets a gift certificate to Arby’s and a scholarship to anesthetist school.

“If you’re going to be that boring might as well put people to sleep professionally” said a judge.


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