Security footage shows the harassment!

Christine Chapel, a nurse on board the Federation starship Enterprise has been suspended indefinitely by Star Fleet after complaints that she was engaging in “inappropriate” behavior towards a superior officer.

“We have reviewed the complaints lodged by Commander Spock and we deem them credible” said Star Fleet’s director of Climate and Sexual Justice.

We at Star Fleet take allegations of sexual harassment and/or climate change very seriously. There is no place for inappropriate touching or emails. Our Star Ships are safe spaces where all species can interact progressively. Nurse Chapel violated this with her repeated harassment of one of our officers. The officer in question, though Vulcan and without feelings, still was threatened and felt unsafe aboard the Enterprise. We have suspended nurse Chapel and ordered here to take an anti-sexual harassment workshop. Also if she would confess her climate justice sins that would be great.

The object of Chapel’s harassment, Commander Spock thanked Star Fleet for its quick action in this matter.

“I did nothing to bring this on”  he said.

I am bewildered by the illogicality of the situation. I’ve heard that Earth women sometimes get “Vulcan fever.” but I thought it was just a myth. But from the moment Nurse Chapel arrived on the Enterprise she has been all over me. If she wasn’t bringing plomeek soup to my quarters she was insisting on being present during my quarterly physical. As you know physicals are intimate and embarrassing. But there she was performing my prostate exam personally. During the exam when she had her finger in my behind she started spanking me and saying “Do you like that bitch?” I see no logical reason why spanking would improve my prostate exam. Though it did feel good. Hey, there are many nerve endings on the backside. It’s logical. Not a fetish. Really. I can’t insist upon that enough.

Despite Star Fleet’s strong response many complain of a double standard.

“Do you know how many illegitimate children Kirk has scattered throughout the galaxy” said the Enterprise’s chief engineer Montgomery Scott.

I’ve lost track. But the number is so high sometimes I think Kirk plays in the NBA! Part of me doesn’t blame him. Hell I’d father children all over the galaxy too if my willy would work. But I’m usually so drunk it doesn’t. 

I love booze!

Or do I drink because my willy won’t work? I miss my happy willy! I’d take some pills but I’m also taking nitrates for chest pain and I’m worried about an unsafe drop in blood pressure.

Nurse Chapel has decided to visit the planet Vulcan while suspended.

“She’s got the pointy-eared fever” her commanding officer, doctor McCoy said.

Spock has taken leave to vacation on Risa, the pleasure planet.

“I’m hoping to be spanked” Spock explained. “I’m a bad Vulcan. I’m a bad, naughty Vulcan and I need discipline. Logical discipline.”

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