Dateline January 2019.
With California’s secession finalized Governor-elect Gavin Newson took the oath of office as the President of the People’s Democratic Republic of California.
Surrounded by heavy security the President took the oath promising to “defend the socialist republic and the redistribution of wealth for which it stands.”
He then began his acceptance speech.
My fellow citizens of this great socialist republic. I take the oath of office as your first president fully aware of the dangers we face. The United States of America and their illegitimate president Donald Trump have threatened us and intend to keep us in the so-called “Union.”
A union of what? The values of the United States are not the values of California. The values of California are socialism and diversity. The values of the United States are capitalism and alt-right white supremacy.
We cannot live together with Americans anymore. They embarrass us with their backwardness.
That is why we had to secede.
Sure they may declare war on us. They may bomb our cities. They may bomb our bridges and damns. They may kill us by the hundreds of thousands. They may leave our infrastructure a smoking ruin.
But none of that matters. Because we have the moral high ground.
Yes we are superior to those who live in America. Americans are backward manual laborers who have never been to college.
Here in California everyone goes to college. Oh sure we have the lowest reading scores in the nation but what does that matter?
Americans also do not believe the settled science of climate change. We Californians do.
That is why we will prevail in this fight. We have the high moral ground. We have science behind us.
Because we believe in climate change we do not worry about building new power plants or hydroelectric damns.
Rolling brown outs help us keep our sea levels from increasing.
That is why I am being sworn in at night time. By candlelight.
It sends a message to all the world that California is to be taken seriously.
We the people, and by we the people I mean you not me or anyone who works for the government, are willing to live in candlelight. We and by we I mean you, are willing to forgo automobiles and are willing to travel by horse drawn carriage.
We and by we I mean you are willing to do this so the coastal residents will not be harmed by rising sea levels.
Yes, Californians are to be taken seriously. I have already appointed cabinet officials whom I introduce to you now: Sarah Silverman, Secretary of Defense and Matt Damon, Secretary of State.
I have also signed a treaty of defense with the People’s Republic of China.
So bring it on America.
We are ready for your bombs. We have the moral supremacy of California to protect us!
And since we no longer have to pay Federal taxes to the backward people in Washington I have tripled California’s taxes! It takes a village to build a high-speed rail project.
One last word. My Spanish is not too good but I’m happy to announce that I have made Spanish the official language of our country.
¡Mi aerodeslizador esta lleno de anguilas!
And with that the new president acknowledged the cheers of the audience and left in his private helicopter.