Why is everybody always picking on me?

With the election hours away, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton, reeling from recent Wikipedia leaks, took to the airwaves to reassure her panicked supporters that all is well and she still expects to win the Presidency.  As a service to my readers I now present Ms. Clinton’s remarks.

My Fellow Americans:

I come before you tonight as a candidate for the Presidency and as a man whose honesty and integrity have been questioned. I mean as a woman whose honesty and integrity has been questioned. I mean sometimes I play the man but only sexually and only with other women. I mean men.

I have a theory that the best and only answer to a smear or to an honest misunderstanding of the facts is to tell the truth. And it that doesn’t work to smear them back. And if that doesn’t work arrange for them to die in a tragic accident. Hey, accidents happen, am I right?  And that’s why I’m here tonight. I want to tell you my side of the case.

I am sure that you have read the allegations and you’ve heard that I, Secretary of State Clinton, enriched myself with a phony foundation.

And now to answer those questions let me say this:

Not one cent of the foundation money was spent my personal use or quid pro quo political access. Every penny of it was used to pay for young women for Bill and myself. And that is not a personal expense. It’s a necessity. Bill likes young girls. It’s one of the few things we have in common.

And let me point out, and I want to make this particularly clear, that no contributor to the Clinton Foundation has ever received any consideration that he would not have received as an ordinary constituent, assuming said ordinary constituent just paid me millions because they had to if they didn’t want to meet up with a tragic accident.

And let me say I am proud of the fact that not one of them has ever asked me for a special favor. Except the desire to continue living.

Let me say, incidentally, that some of you may say, “Well, that’s all right, Madame Secretary, and I digress but isn’t Tea Leoni hot?; that’s your explanation, but have you got any proof”

It’s an audit made by the Price, WaterhouseCoopers. They said the Clinton Foundation was totally legit. And they said that for no quid pro quo. Just the understandable desire not to commit suicide or die in a car crash.

I was born in 1713. I mean 1948 and I am not an immortal demon. Our family was one of modest circumstances. Modest circumstances that made me sympathetic to the poor and desire never to be one of them again. That’s why Bill and I have this foundation. To enrich our selves. I mean our country. Through charity. And quid pro quo political patronage.

I should say this—that my wife Bill doesn’t have a mink coat. But he does have a respectable Democrat cloth coat. And I always tell him that he’d look good in anything. As long as he stays away from the young girls I’m sleeping with.

One other thing I probably should tell you because if we don’t they’ll probably be saying this about me too, we did get something. A man down in Texas – Austin which is blue and not filled with deplorables –  saw Bill on the television mention the fact that our daughter Chelsea would like to have a dog. And, believe it or not, the day before we left on this campaign trip we got a message from Union Station in Baltimore saying they had a package for us. We went down to get it. You know what it was.

It was a little cocker spaniel dog in a crate that he’d sent all the way from Texas. Black and white spotted. And our little girl-Chelsea, the 32-year old-named it “I’ve tried but I don’t care about money.”. And you know, the impoverished 32-year old, like all impoverished 32-year olds, love the dog and I just want to say this right now, that regardless of what they say about it, we’re gonna keep it.

Remember folks, a man such as me, I mean a woman such as me that’s to be President of the United States, must have the confidence of all the people.

And, now, finally, I know that you wonder whether or not I am going to stay on the Democratic ticket or resign.

Let me say this: I don’t believe that I ought to quit because I’m not a quitter. And, incidentally, Bill’s not a quitter either. Even on fat interns. He just won’t quit with them. And the damn cigars.

But just let me say this last word. Regardless of what happens I’m going to continue this fight. I’m going to campaign up and down America until we drive people like Donald Trump out of Washington. People who have turned their backs on the global elite. And remember, folks, a vote for Hillary Clinton is a vote for what’s good for America. Or the global elite. Whomever pays me more.

Now after a brilliant and heart-felt speech like that how can anyone not vote for Hillary Clinton?

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