Tokyo is my home too!

The feud between Godzilla and Tokyo appears to have hit an all-time high after the governor Yuriko Koike banned Godzilla from entering the city under penalty of death.

“We have been patient with him” she said.

We know he is a Japanese citizen but every time he visits our city we end up with hundreds of millions in property damage, not to mention loss of life. When he last visited us not only did he destroy the entire Ginza shopping district, during the height of the Christmas season no less but he ate through our subway cars, leaving the city without any public transportation. These are not the actions of a friend!

Godzilla for his part professes to be hurt at the banning and reiterates the he did not intend for any destruction to happen.

“Look at it from my perspective” he told reporters while getting a pedicure at a seaside resort.

I’m a seafaring dude. And like all sailors occasionally I might get a little out of control while on shore leave but that’s never been a problem before. Hell when I visited America I destroyed New Jersey.  I got a thank you from New York. I like Tokyo. There are lots of places to go shopping. I love Japanese women. That’s all. I just want to do some shopping, have a drink and maybe score with a hot chick. Is it my fault I’m so large and clumsy I sometimes step on buildings and destroy entire blocks? Why does the army have to start shooting at me. Those bullets sting you know. My skin is sensitive. Dry and cracked. And bullets exacerbate the situation.

Regardless of Godzilla’s protestations, Tokyo remains determined never to let him set foot in the city again.

“We now have extra military support” according to Koike.

We’ve set up landmines all around the beaches and the Americans have volunteered their services. When I asked their Joint Chiefs of Staff if they would consider bombing Tokyo if it came to that they were very enthusiastic. They only wanted to know Godzilla’s self-professed gender identity. “We can’t kill him if he’s a transsexual or gender fluid” they told me. I understand that’s very important to the Americans and part of their military’s mission statement: to protect and defend the Constitution, transsexuals and the gender fluid. 

The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Joseph Dunford issued the following statement:

The Japanese are one of our greatest friends and closest allies. We welcome the opportunity to help them. Like all Americans we at the Joint Chiefs felt nothing but sympathy for the Japanese people as we watched Godzilla destroy Tokyo. We are ready to bomb the hell out of that rodent. As long as he has the same genitalia he was born with and identifies as gender binary. Because if he’s fluid we’re going to have to pass.

Godzilla scoffed at the notion of American intervention.

“I’m ready for them. Jeez, the way the Japanese are so eager to kill me you’d think I was Korean.”

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