Let us let this dog lead us to better times

After nominating a black man in 2008 and 2012 and a woman in 2016, the Democratic Party again showed off its progressive credentials by nominating a golden retriever for president.

“While we are proud to be the only party to nominate a black man and woman we felt there was more glass ceilings that could be shattered” said DNC president Katy Perry (pictured here on the opening night of the convention).

We are the progressive party!

What President Obama and Secretary Clinton, indeed what all previous presidents of the United States had in common was that they were all human. And this is species-ist. And that’s wrong. We in the Democratic party feel it’s time to go beyond flawed human reasoning to solve our country’s problems. And what better choice than a dog. It’s the most popular pet in America. And what better choice than a golden retriever, one of the more popular and trusted breeds of dog in America. Would Republicans do this? No. They continue to be species-ist and nominate humans.

In his speech accepting the nomination the golden retriever, named Fred, gave a passionate and emotional five minute bark where he promised to continue the Democratic party’s tradition of compassion and redistribution of wealth.

“I don’t speak dog myself” said Fred’s running mate Sarh Silverman (pictured here on the right.)

As your vice president I will redistribute my tongue

But I know for a fact that Fred is a socialist. Every day he redistributes his poop all over his neighbor’s lawn. That is the kind of nominee we want! I also know that Fred will be safe with the nuclear codes because he’d rather lick his balls than bomb nations of color. And I admit maybe I’m projecting but Fred hates banks and wants to punish them.

Still not everyone at the convention was happy with the choice of Fred.  The party’s radical wing felt that while choosing a non-human was the right choice, golden retrievers are associated with white men of northern European origin.

“We wanted a non-European dog” said delegate from California, Matt Damon (pictured here).

I’m Matt Damon. Matt Daaaa-mon!

By choosing a breed of dog from outside Europe we are showing the rest of the world that we are neither species-ist nor racist. A dog of color would help improve our image, especially after the past four years of President Trump’s cowboy diplomacy. That’s why we in the California delegation favored nominating an Afghan hound.

Female reproductive freedom now!

Being from Afghanistan these hounds will help us win the Muslim vote. And I admit maybe I’m projecting but Afghan hounds will help protect female reproductive freedom.

Fred and his running mate Silverman immediately began their campaign with an old fashioned whistle stop tour aboard a train nicknamed “The Democratic Express.”

“We have to stop every couple hours to let Fred go outside and do his business but other than that we’re making good time” said Silverman.

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