“Why does it hurt when I pee?” ~ Mickey Mantle

If you look closely you can see the Yankees sucking

Having won the first two games of their series against the Tampa Bay (-Devil) Rays the Yankees went for the sweep. It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the Bronx. What could possibly go wrong.

The Yankees started Michael Pineda (1-2 6.95) while the Rays started one of their better pitchers, Drew Smyly (1-2.51).

Michael Pineda was cruising. At least through the first 2/3rd of an inning. After getting Logan Forsythe to strike out and Logan Morrison to ground out to Mark Teixeira, the next batter Evan Longoria hit a 2-2 pitch up the middle for a double. After that Corey Dickerson hit the first pitch into the right field bleachers five seats over from me. Steve Pearce then singled. Brad Miller then doubled home Pearce. Steven Souza Jr. then homered to left field.

5-0 Tampa Bay after 1/2 an inning.

In the top of the third Steve Pearce hit the first pitch he saw over the left field wall.

6-0 Tampa Bay after 2 1/2 innings.

The Yankees finally scored in the bottom of the fourth. Brett Garder led off with a walk and reached second when Mark Teixeira grounded out. Alex Rodriguez hit a 1-1 pitch for a double scoring Gardner.  This was AROD’s last at bat in the game. He left after the inning with oblique stiffness.

And speaking of oblique stiffness, do not take Cialis if you are taking nitrates for chest pain as it may cause an unsafe drop in blood pressure

6-1 after four.

In the top of the fifth Steven Souza, Jr struck again, hitting his second homer of the game on the first pitch he saw.

7-1 Tampa Bay after 4 1/2.

In the top of the eighth Logan Forsythe homered on an 0-1 pitch. 8-1 Tampa Bay after 7 1/2.

And that was the final score.

Yankee starter Michael Pineda pitched five innings.  On the bright side he did strike out nine. On the not so bright side he gave up ten hits, four of which were home runs. He was charged with the loss for the Yanks. Tampa starter Drew Smyly pitched seven innings, allowing one run on six hits while also striking out six.

Notes on the game:

As I mentioned earlier Pineda cruised through the first 2/3rds of the first inning. But seeing as how the Yankees hate Manhattan Infidel, manager Joe Girardi walked to the mound and had the following exchange with Pineda:

Joe Girardi: You’re pitching fantastic.

Michael Pineda: Gracias, senor.

Joe Girardi: But can I ask you a question? Do you know what you’re doing?

Michael Pineda: No entiendo.

Joe Girardi: Manhattan Infidel’s at the game!

Michael Pineda: Infidel de Manahatta?

Joe Girardi: Yea. He’s in the bleachers. See him!

Michael Pineda: El hombre blanco?

Joe Giradi: Yeah, him. Throw the game now!

And so Pineda then proceeded to pitch like crap for no other reason than to vex Manhattan Infidel.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “Further, woman was made in paradise. But man is greater than woman” didn’t fire up the crowd. I don’t know. Perhaps they were being charitable towards the weaker sex.

Recommended reading material:

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream by Hunter S. Thompson.

Reader mail:

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes, “Beasts are without reason. In this way man becomes, as it were, like them in coition because he cannot moderate concupiscence.”

Kill joy.

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “We are told that woman was made to be a help to man. But she was not fitted to help man except in generation, because another man would have proved a more effective help in anything else.”

Testify brother!

S.J. of Minneapolis writes, “For sensual appetite, wherein the passions reside, is not entirely subject to reason.”

Is this about those photos?  I was young.  I needed the money.

L.T. of Queens writes, “Semen belongs to the perfection of the begetter, and is released by a natural and pleasurable operation.”

And…….i’m done.  Phew.

And so my record this year stands at 0-4.   My next game is May 9th against the defending world champion Kansas City Royals.

Go Yankees!  I mean, they have to win one game I go to this year?  Don’t they?

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