One DOES simply walk into Mordor. Hiking opportunities abound!

Stung by a fourth straight quarter of sluggish economic growth, Sauron of Mordor has launched an aggressive ad campaign hoping to attract tourists from Middle Earth.

Spearheaded by the advertising firm of Donahue and Rivera, the new campaign entitled, “One Simply DOES Walk Into Mordor” is designed to highlight the natural beauty of the land.

“Let’s face it. In the past we haven’t been exactly the nicest neighbors” said Sauron.

People were afraid of us.  They stopped coming for visits such as the annual “Throw a Ring Into Mt. Doom” festival held every Autumn.  I can’t say I blame them.  But now it is time to welcome our neighbors with open arms.  We want them to know they have nothing to fear from us..

With its rugged. mountainous interior the early ads that were available for preview highlight the many hiking opportunities.

Physically Mordor is similar to Colorado, only without all the pain in the ass Coloradoans.  I mean seriously, what’s so great about Vail anyway?  It’s too damn expensive and good luck getting a decent pizza late at night.  So hikers, come to Mordor.  We have over 500 miles of trails that range from easy for the beginner to hard for the experienced hiker.  And you don’t have to worry about getting lost. Our maps are state of the art.  And say a boulder does fall on you and traps you in a crevice for five days, we have an extensive system of cell towers that guarantee that you will always have a signal. 

In addition to the ample hiking, the ad campaign highlights Mt. Doom.  ‘

With its imposing geologic features and history it figures to be a beacon for tourists.

As I mentioned we will be restarting the Throw a Ring Into Mt. Doom festival. Tourists will be encouraged to bring their rings and throw them into the the fires of Mt. Doom for good luck.  Those who wish to pay extra can buy a replica of the Ring of All Power  The original of course will be displayed behind a heavily guarded glass case. It’s like our Constitution. We want to preserve the original.

And for environmentalists of Middle Earth, Ents will be available to provide tree rides.

That took some doing.  They are still a little pissed off about the whole chopping down the forest thing.  But we prevailed upon them and look forward to a productive and profitable partnership.

Despite the new friendly face of Mordor, many in Middle Earth remain suspicious of Sauron’s motives and say they won’t give him their business.

“I don’t know” said Frodo Baggins of the Shire.

I don’t have very many pleasant memories of that place.  I mean being spun up in the web of Shelob is my most vivid memory.  I’d like to forget that one, frankly.

The first ad features Smeagol fishing.

“Come to Mordor. It’ll be your precious!”

Weekend packages start at $500 during the peak months and $300 off season.

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