I love whales! Like that one over there who is….OH MY GOD IT’S EATING ME!

Famed banjo player and unemployed person Pete Seeger was killed today while strolling along the banks of the Hudson River near his home in Beacon, New York.

The famed peace activist, environmentalist and folk singer had told friends he was going out to stroll along the Hudson River to check for pollutants.

“Pete always did this” said a friend.

Every morning, no matter what the weather was he’d go down to the riverbank. Though he hated calling it a riverbank.  “Bank implies capitalism, which I am opposed to” he’d say.  I remember one time he found a beer can on the side of the river.  He came back to me crying, saying, “I weep for mother water.  Pure, but now defiled.”  He wrote a song about it: I weep for water/pure pure water/Poison, bombs/Some other stuff/weep/I weep/Impeach Bush!”

Witnesses to his death say that Seeger, a well-known figure in the Hudson Valley was walking along the river when he spotted a beached whale.

Pete was a man of peace and he believed in the sanctity of all life.  And abortion. Anyway he respected his brother whale and tried to help.

Approaching brother whale Seeger called out to it, “Relax brother whale.  I love you.”

The beached whale was unresponsive at first, until Seeger pulled out his ever-present banjo and started singing some folk songs.  The whale appeared to become agitated at the singing and expelled some water from his blowhole.

Seeger took the incident in stride and started improvising a song.

Brother whale/Brother Blowhole/peace is the answer/Brother whale/brother blowhole/Sing for peace/Sing to impeach Bush!

But the song didn’t have the effect that Seeger hoped.  As he continued to sing the whale soaked Seeger again with water from his blowhole.  Hoping perhaps that the whale would like to sing with him, Seeger approached the whale and entered his mouth.

“Don’t worry” Seeger told onlookers. “Brother whale is as peaceful as Joe Stalin.”

The whale then proceeded to eat Seeger and the banjo.

As horrified locals called 911, the unfazed Seeger continued to sing as the whale consumed him.

Brother whale/Brother blowhole/I love you/I love Mother Earth/Brother whale/Take my body and eat/Let me be nourishment for you/Let me be transformed into your nonpolluting fecal matter/Brother whale…….Ouch!

Towards the end, after Seeger’s banjo had been eaten, as well as Seeger’s legs and jaw, Seeger used sign language to continue singing.

Brother whale/You’ve made your point/That hurts/Oh god he’s eating me/Someone call the police/Help me/Help me please/Impeach Bush!

After Seeger had been consumed, the now revitalized whale expelled Seeger’s cap from his blowhole and swam away.

Senator Chuck Shumer (D-NY) has called for legislation banning so-called “assault blow holes” on all whales.

President Obama has ordered a drone strike on the offending whale.

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