It is peace in our time. Now excuse me while I go on a campaign swing!

With the unprecedented agreement with Iran to curb its nuclear activity, peace, indeed has come to our time.

In keeping with my long-standing responsibility to my readers of not sending them pictures of my privates providing information I now give you the entire text of this ground-breaking and historic agreement:

1. Iran and the United States, taking into consideration the agreement, which has been already reached in principle for the cession of nuclear activity by Iran, have agreed on the following terms and conditions governing the said cession and the measures consequent thereon, and by this agreement they each hold themselves responsible for the steps necessary to secure its fulfilment.
2. The end of Iran’s nuclear enrichment will begin on 1st December.  No.  Seriously.  Aw come on!  I said seriously!  I’m President and you’re being mean to me.
3. The conditions governing the cessation of nuclear enrichment will be laid down in detail by an international commission composed of representatives of Germany, the United Kingdom, France, Italy and Czechoslovakia. Wait, is Czechoslovakia still a country?  Geography is hard!  Why do people expect me to do stuff, man?  I’m Barack Obama.  I don’t have time to do stuff.  I have a fundraising tour to go on.
4. The international commission referred to in paragraph 3 will do stuff.  What it’ll do I’ll leave up to England and France.  I’m too busy to worry about shit like that.  I’m Barack Obama and I vote “present.”
5. The final determination of when Iran will stop enriching nukes will be carried out by said international commission. Boy I don’t envy that commission.  They have lots of boring work to do.  Thank god I don’t have to work with them.  I will be practicing my jump shot with Lebron James.  Now that’s important work I can get behind.
6. If Iran should continue to enrich nuclear material despite me telling them not to, well what do you expect? The Religion of Peace has a right to fight against the terrorist Jewish state, don’t they?
7. The Iranian Government will within a period of four weeks from the date of this agreement stop enriching nuclear material.  Because if you don’t that means your racist.
8. The Iranian Government further agrees to occasionally take Michelle off my hands. This frankly is the most important part of the agreement.  Please guys.  Actually you can keep your nukes.  What do I care.  But I can only fly around the United States so many times before Michelle gets suspicious and realizes I’m trying to avoid her.
9. Lebron James likes me and says I have a good jump shot.
10. To recap:  Some shit about enriching nukes first.  Then, and most importantly, please take Michelle.  She frightens me

Signatories:

Barack “Jump Shot” Obama

The Iranian Dude who looks like Ringo

The Secretary of State of the United States (I don’t know his name but I always call him “Lurch.”)

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