Blame old white men! It’s always the fault of old white men.

So the Federal government has shut down.  Again.  As a member of the mainstream media I place the blame squarely where it belongs:  On the old white men of the Republican party who want women and children to die.

You may be asking why is a government shutdown so bad?  Well like most Americans you probably are dependent on the government.  (Don’t let the old white Republican men fool you:  This is exactly what our founding fathers wanted.)

But there is no reason to panic.  Here at Manhattan Infidel we have compiled this handy guide to overcoming your Federal Government withdrawal symptoms.

May the government be back at work soon and may we all once again feed at the trough!

Withdrawal symptoms:

• Stage one:  Anxiety, restlessness, irritability

The first stage of Federal government withdrawal is always the most dangerous.  You will become anxious (where is my check!)  You may have bouts of restlessness and irritability.  Anxiety.  Restlessness.  Irritability.  In short it will be like every Monday morning when that alarm goes off and you realize you have to head back to your dead-end job. DO NOT BE AFRAID!  Keep busy.  Read a good Democrat-approved book such as a biography of FDR.  Perhaps try masturbation.  Frequent masturbation will keep your hands busy and your mind off the government shutdown.

• Stage two:  Depression and social isolation

Stage two presents its own dangers.  You will be depressed.  You will have feelings of social isolation.  This is normal.  Without the Federal government providing your needs you will feel alone.  After all, the government is the only thing we all belong to. This depression and social isolation may lead to unhealthy activity like reading the Constitution or starting a blog.  Do not fall into this trap.  The Constitution is over 100 years old and no one knows what it really means anyway. As for blogs, yeah, don’t go there.  Try masturbation to relieve your feelings of depression and social isolation.  If you have a web cam masturbate with a friend.

• Stage three:  Nausea, vomiting, diarrhea

That’s just gross man.  Nausea, vomiting and diarrhea will lead to dehydration.  Try drinking water.  But do not under any circumstances attempt to drink a 32-ounce Big Gulp.  It’s bad enough the Federal government is shut down. Why engage in an activity they will frown upon.  Additionally, vomiting and diarrhea will make it difficult to masturbate but try anyway.  Close your eyes, get rid of your bad nauseous thoughts and grab your member!  Do it for the children.

• Stage four:  Grand Mal seizures, heart attacks, strokes, hallucinations

By stage four you have lost all hope of having your kind uncle, the Federal government, in your life again.  This is a dangerous phase physically as a stroke may paralyze part of your body.  How will you masturbate if you can’t move half your body you may ask?  Don’t worry.  You will also be hallucinating.  So enjoy your hallucinations.  There is nothing you can’t do in a fever dream.  Hopefully one of your hallucinations will include you masturbating with Swedish cheerleaders dressed as French maids.  Don’t think this is possible?  How do you think Manhattan Infidel has survived?

And there you have it.  A concise guide on how to survive the government shutdown.  A shutdown that will not last long.

To sum up:

• Do not panic
• Drink water
• Masturbate

Honesty the first two options are good but number three will pull you through and there is no reason to stop masturbating once the shutdown is over.

Good luck!

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