In a move that surprised many, Satan today announced that he has permanently banned Al Gore from Hell.

“I just couldn’t take it anymore” Satan told reporters during a conference call to explain his actions.

I mean from the moment he died and ended up down here he’s been nothing but a pain in the ass.  The other damned souls can’t stand him.  He keeps going from one circle of Hell to the other talking about reducing one’s carbon footprint.  Look, I’m the Devil.  I’m the one who’s supposed to be doing the torturing.  I had to tell him to leave the condemned alone.

According to sources in Hell things between Satan and Al Gore became intolerable.

“Gore kept challenging Satan’s authority” according to a demon.

He would say things like, “I can run this place better” and “It’s too hot here.  You should set the thermostat on a more acceptable temperature that won’t waste energy.”  Finally Satan lost his temper and said, “This is f*cking Hell!  It’s supposed to be warm!”

On Friday evenings Satan would hang out with the other demons in a bar and talk about their week.  The conversation invariably came back to the new arrival.

I remember once Satan just had his head in his hands and he kept saying, “Do you know what he said to me today?  He wants me to install high-speed rail between the different circles of Hell.  He said I could use the savings to buy some carbon credits.  I hate the a–hole!”

Satan would hold strategy sessions with his lieutenants to figure out what to do with Gore.

“We were going to peel his skin off for eternity” said a demon.

But under the hate crimes act of 2005 that would lead to sanctions and loss of favored nation trading status with the United States. 

It was then that it was decided to do something that usually isn’t done:  expel a member from Hell.

“I can’t remember the last time that happened.  I think it was either Stalin or Milton Berle.”

After his expulsion Gore, through his lawyer who remained in Hell, (“Sorry, lawyers never leave.  Rules are rules” said Satan) released a statement that said:

I am disappointed in Satan’s decision.  The science of global warming is incontrovertible.  If Hell doesn’t lower its carbon footprint lava levels will rise and burn all the damned.

Satan responded to Gore by saying that “Gore’s an idiot.”

What’s the point of having a plentiful supply of lava – and don’t give me any of the “magma” crap – if we can’t use it to burn the damned?

As for Gore’s future plans, he revealed that he intends to run for the Senate again.

“I believe my experience in Hell gives me a keen insight that can only help me in office.”

After the expulsion Satan raised temperatures in Hell.

“F*ck ’em.  Everybody’s roasting tonight.”

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