Lilly white Hogwarts seeks to broaden its image

The Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry has announced today an affirmative action program for its school.

“I am proud of Hogwarts and the work we do preparing the next generation of little shits, er, I mean wizards” declared Deputy Head Mistress Minerva McGonagall.

But I must admit that our students are, well, white.  Very white.  Incredibly white.  I mean whiter than a gated community in a progressive neighborhood.  And that made me feel bad about myself.  So starting next year we will actively seek out Hispanics and other minorities who may want to be wizards.

This is not the first time that Hogwarts has tried to incorporate minorities into the school.

“We tried to bring in some Asians back in the ’70s” she said.

But when their parents saw our curriculum they kept asking where were the advanced math courses.  We had to tell them that we were a school of wizardry and that math wasn’t emphasized.  That’s when one parent called me an “Occidental dog.”  So that ended that experiment.

Nor is McGonagall naive this time about the cultural adjustments that will have to be made at Hogwarts.

“We already signed up some Dominicans as students.  So I guess we’re going to have to start stacking the vending machines with El Presidente beer.”

The addition of minority students isn’t the only challenge facing Hogwarts as it seeks to align itself with the times.

We added a few courses on western imperialism and racism.  They replaced the Care of Magical Creatures major. I wasn’t happy about that.  But, you do what you have to do.  Also, we’ve added a “Queer Theory in Divination” minor.  Not everyone on the staff is happy but change is always going to be painful.  Especially for bitter, clinging white men.

The curriculum won’t be the only change at Hogwarts.

We had to abolish the Hogwarts Express, unfortunately.  I personally loved the train.  I thought it as a nice touch.  But the train wasn’t high speed electric rail.  It was an old, slow steam engine.  And that led to global warming.  Also the train just wasn’t safe.  We had a few accidents over the years.  One time we tragically lost our entire freshman class when the Hogwarts Express plowed into a school bus.  I don’t to tell we got some heat over that.  The shit really hit the magical fan.

Until Hogwarts gets funding for high speed rail from the government all new students will have to take a bus to the college.  If they have a car they will have to get a permit to park in one of Hogwarts student parking lots.

In a bid to get private funding celebrities will be invited to give commencement speeches.

This year we have Bill Cosby, I think.  He’s loaded so we’re giving him an honorary doctorate in Defense against the Dark Arts.  Hopefully he’ll return the favor and make a donation to the school. He’s loaded. He doesn’t need the money.

In a final attempt to modernize, the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry basketball team will officially change its name in 2014 to “Hogwart Orange.”

“Hey, it worked for Syracuse.”

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