Grease Fire Kills Olivia Newton-John


Ms. John pictured before her untimely death

Ms. John pictured before her untimely death

Tragedy struck the tight-night world of show business today as legendary singer Olivia Newton-John was killed in a grease fire at her residence in Florida.

Reports indicate that Ms. Newton-John was cooking a meal for husband, John Easterling whe the fire broke out. Instead of placing a cover on the pan and smothering the fire she apparently threw flour on it, mistakenly believing that she was throwing baking soda.  It was then that Ms. Newton-John was caught in the grease fire and began to burn.  Her husband after unsuccessfully attempting to put out his wife, placed a panicked call to 911, the transcript of which follows:

911 operator: 911 what is your emergency?

Easterling: Help me my wife’s on fire!

911 operator: Is she a smoker?  Because smoking is a bad habit.

Easterling: What? No.  She was cooking something and a grease fire broke out.  She tried to put it out but wasn’t able.  Now she’s on fire!  Please send the fire department quickly!

911 operator: May I ask how she tried to put out the fire?

Easterling: What?  I don’t know.  I think she threw some flour on it.

911 operator: You know sir that flour will not put out a grease. fire.  You need to put baking soda on it instead.  Or cover the pan to extinguish the oxygen.

EasterlingReally?  I did not know that.  That’s useful information to – will you please just send help!

911 operator: She’s on fire?

Easterling: Uh Well-a well-a well-a huh.

911 operator: Tell me more, tell me more, tell me more, did she burn on the floor?

Easterling: Uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh.

911 operator: Tell me more, tell me more, tell me more did she crash into the door?

Easterling: She ran by me, almost put me on fire.  She showed off, twirling around.

911 operator: Someone’s on fire, but oh oh those grease fires at home.

Easterling: Uh well-a well-a well-a huh.

911 operator: Tell me more, tell me more, tell me more did she put up a fight?

Easterling: Uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh.

911 operator: Grease fire, don’t mean a thing, but oh-oh those summer nights.

Easterling: Uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh!

Ms. Newton-John’s death has been blamed on ignorance on the proper methods of putting out a grease fire.  The municipality of Jupiter Inlet Colony where she resided is urging all its citizens to be more careful in the kitchen and to always have baking soda at hand in case a grease fire does in fact break out.


6 Responses

  1. Elton John (any relation?) would say she was just a candel in the wind.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Careful Jim. Don’t get that candle anywhere near the stove, it might cause a grease fire.

  3. innominatus says:

    My wife will be heartbroken. Grease is her all-time fave. I’ll wait until I’m feeling particuarly cruel before I tell her, though.

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