Scandal Rocks Star Fleet!

Captain Kirk on the bridge of the EnterpriseStar Fleet, already hit by budget cuts was further rocked today when it was announced that Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise and several top officers have been indicted for dereliction of duty.

“We were all shocked” said a Star Fleet Admiral.  “Kirk was one of our youngest and brightest officers.  He had a bright future ahead of him.”

Even if found not guilty Kirk’s career is most likely over.

Star Fleet first suspected that all was not well when Kirk decided to ignore orders and visit Orion in search of green women. You want some of this green stuff big boy? Surveillance tapes record this exchange between Kirk and his First Officer Mr. Spock:

Spock: To ignore orders to search for green women is highly illogical.

Kirk:  Oh grow a pair Mr. pointy ears.

The Enterprise spent a week in orbit around Orion where Kirk allegedly beamed down every night to “sample” green women.  Kirk contracted a sexually transmitted disease on the planet which made him grow lesions and turned his testicles green. I should have worn condoms. Months later while officiating at a peace conference Kirk admitted to Spock that he was distracted.

“My goddamn balls are green!  And they itch.  And they smell.  How am I going to explain this?”

The peace conference failed.

Kirk is also accused of failing to impose discipline on board the Enterprise.  Specifically the ban on alcoholic beverages.  Security footage caught Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott in an apparent advanced state of intoxication:

Laddie I love my whisky

I think I’ll just sleep here for awhile

There are also reports of rampant use of powerful hallucinogenics by the crew, particularly by First Officer Spock.  At one point Spock, high on LSD, attacked Captain Kirk on the bridge and had to be subdued.

Listen to the color of your dreams!

Get off me you pointy eared bastard!

“Spock had a lot of issues” said an officer who prefers to remain anonymous.  “As a half-breed he was in a lot of pain and used the drugs to dull it.”

Nor was the drug use confined to Spock.  Kirk and other officers apparently ran a drug ring on board the ship and would forcibly inject people to make them dependent on Kirk’s supply (which he sold at exorbitant prices.)

This is strong shit!

You’re gonna like this stuff!  Trust me.

Kirk made it a habit when visiting planets to “strong-arm” the residents into paying him a monthly tribute in direct violation of Star Fleet protocol which bans any such sort of remuneration.

Kirk and Spock move in

Pay us dammit!

Hands in the air or else!

I’m the new godfather in town!

Said Bela Oxmyx of Sigma Lotia II, “He called himself ‘The Godfather’ whatever that means and he said that if I did him a favor one day he would return it.”

Kirk also violated Star Fleet’s “Don’t ask don’t tell” policy by openly engaging in anal rape on several occasions.

Take it all bitch!

If convicted of all counts Captain Kirk faces a minimum of ten years in a Star Fleet prison.  Kirk for his part denies all charges and blames the accusations on antisemitism by top Star Fleet brass.

Star Fleet has issued a statement saying that they are “saddened by the events but that they are an aberration.   Our officers are very dedicated and young men and women should not be discouraged from choosing Star Fleet as a career.”

Kirk’s trial begins next week.


10 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    KHAAAAAAAAAN! is asking the judge will drop the gag order so he can testify. If this is allowed, Kirk is in big trouble.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Inn: Kirk – no sneeze guard on the salad bar!! – KHAN the health inspector.

  3. Hahahaaaaaaaa @ Innominatus.

    Also, just for clarification-Interspecies homosexual anal assault; against the Prime Directive?

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Shamus: Star Fleet is sooooooooo puritanical. No wonder half the quadrant is learning Klingonese.

  5. Chakam says:

    Dude. Freaking brilliant!

  6. Matt says:

    It’s Bush’s fault.

  7. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Chakam: thank you sir.

    Matt: Of course. It’s always Bush’s fault. Haven’t we learned anything from the MSM?

  8. Chakam says:


    It isn’t against any Prime Directive the Left has read, you silly man, you. Now behave, or I’ll give you such a pinch! Warp speed, Mr. Sulu! Set phasers on “stunning”!

  9. This is a communist plot. We know they may be green on the outside but they are all red on the inside.

  10. MK says:

    “Kirk also violated Star Fleet’s “Don’t ask don’t tell” policy by openly engaging in anal rape on several occasions.”

    I think that was the straw that broke the guys back, the green balls and debauchery was sort of acceptable, but not the public bum sex.

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