From the Manhattan Infidel Future Archives: July 12, 2012 – Director of EPA Dies of Mercury Poisoning

This light bulb is a killer!July 12, 2012.

Lisa Jackson, administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency died today of mercury poisoning after breaking a new CFL lamp in her home.

Miss Jackson’s unexpected demise was brought about when, in keeping with her desire to save energy she attempted to place a new CFL bulb in her kitchen.

In accordance with protocol when breaking the new mercury-laden bulbs Jackson immediately opened all her windows and proceeded to clean up the toxic mess.  However, already feeling the effects of her mercury poisoning a lightheaded Miss Jackson sat down on her couch, giving the swirling toxins in her home further opportunity to poison her system.

Knowing that her body was infected and sensing the emergency Jackson raced out to her Chevy Volt to begin her drive to the nearest hospital.  Unfortunately for Miss Jackson her Volt was only half charged and died before she could find a charging station.

Abandoning her now useless Volt she tried to flag down a car in traffic, shouting “Please.  I’m with the Federal Government. If you drive me to the nearest hospital I will give you my carbon credits.”

She was then hit by an SUV.

An ambulance was called to transport Jackson to the nearest hospital.

Once arriving at the emergency room she was placed in a mercury contamination ward for detoxification.

“We’ve been seeing a dramatic increase in mercury poisoning since the old bulbs were outlawed” said the hospital administrator.  “So we opened up a new ward just for the mercury patients.  Miss Jackson couldn’t have been in better hands.”

However, tragically the hospital’s generators run on new, experimental wind power turbines. Due to the fact that there was no wind the hospital lost power and Jackson’s mercury poisoning treatments were stopped.

Sensing the end was near, Jackson told the doctors and nurses that she considered her death “a sacrifice for compact fluorescent technology.”

President Obama has ordered flags at all Federal building to be flown at half-staff as a sign of mourning.  In keeping with Jackson’s commitment to the environment her body will not be buried or cremated but will be frozen and placed upside down next to Ted Williams.

“She always like the Red Sox” said Obama.


10 Responses

  1. A fitting end for the Green Queen.

  2. innominatus says:

    At least she didn’t die of Freddie Mercury poisoning. ‘Cuz that would’ve just been too damn tragic.

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Jim: Long live the Green Queen

    Inn: I think her gender would be immune from Freddie Mercury poisoning.

  4. You might say she was screwed in the end by her spiral light bulb….

  5. Otis P. Driftwood says:

    I think you have summed it up perfectly.

  6. And a Red Sawx fan?

    Jeeeeebus, this chick just can’t win.

  7. Matt says:

    Linked the Sox? Karma killed her.

  8. The Sarcastic Cynic says:

    The curse of the Bambino lives and the green monster dies.

  9. Manhattan Infidel says:

    WM: An excellent analogy.

    Otis: Thank you sir.

    Shamus: Still, one shouldn’t mourn the loss of a Bahstahn fan.

    Matt: She’s a karma chameleon.

    TSC: The curse of the bambino is (hopefully) forever.

  10. MK says:

    “Please. I’m with the Federal Government. If you drive me to the nearest hospital I will give you my carbon credits. She was then hit by an SUV.”

    LOL. Good one.

Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>