Periodic Table to be Updated Periodically

This periodic table will be updated periodicallyA committee of international physicists and chemists have agreed to update the periodic table periodically.

“We want the table to be living, breathing, not stagnant.  The only way to do that is to add elements to the table.  Yes, this is a cry for help.  I’m very lonely.  All my fellow chemists are very lonely.  I need the touch of a woman” said a spokesman for the scientific community.

Currently the heaviest elements on the table are copernicium and roentgenium.  However after a weekend spent bombarding a picture of Orson Welles Orson Welles, the heaviest element on the periodic table with radioactive particles a newer, heavier element was discovered which has been given the name “Element fat director.”

The new element exists for only a second before decaying and disappearing forever.

“In that respect  it’s a lot like Lady Gaga” said a scientist.

However the existence of the new element has opened up a debate in the scientific community between those who want the table updated (the lonely nerds) and those who prefer the table remain stagnant and unchanged (the stagnant nerds).

Reports of nerd on nerd violence at scientific conventions have increased and police have been called to restore the peace between the warring factions.  A cop at the scene told reporters

I’ve never seen anything so horrible in my life.  Have you ever been surrounded by angry nerds?  I’ve been shot at, stabbed but until then I had never felt fear.  I was lucky to get out with my life. I had to take a leave of absence to deal with the psychological trauma.

Reacting to pressure from a public terrified by angry nerds Congress has passed the Nerd Protection Statute that limits meetings of scientists to three or fewer.

“Hopefully this will calm the public” said John Boehner (R-OH).

In the meantime the faction of scientific nerds who favor adding more elements to the periodic table have already begun bombarding pictures of Elvis Presley Fat Elvis before being added to the periodic table in his fat stage with radioactive particles.

“Soon Fat Elvis will be the heaviest element in the periodic table” declared a scientist.  “Yes, I’m very lonely.  Do you come here often?”


3 Responses

  1. MK says:

    I saw this lady gaga for the first time recently, that’s one crazy whackjob, she was wearing this thing that was so big she had to be helped to walk. And that apparently is considered normal. They should put her on the periodic table.

  2. Well, nerds or no nerds (I’m not sure what a no-nerd is), there are some documents that were never meant to be changed.

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Jim: Like the original intent of our constitution (limited government please mr. liberal.)

Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>