MSNBC Places Mark Halperin Under Interdict

This man is in danger of losing his soulMSNBC has placed its senior political analyst Mark Halperin under interdict for calling President Obama a “dick“, effectively removing his ability to celebrate the pro-Obama sacraments as a member of the MSNBC order.

The statement from MSNBC’s chief priest Phil Griffin said in part:

We at MSNBC take our orthodoxy to Obama very seriously.  Mark Halperin’s comments border on heresy. We apologize to the President, the White House and our viewers.  That is why we have placed him under interdict.  Alperin’s faculties to celebrate Obama have been removed.  He is forbidden from publicly representing himself as a member of MSNBC until he does sufficient penance.

Halperin has gone on retreat to an Obama Monastery where he will “pray, fast, do penance and ask Obama for his forgiveness.”

A statement released by him before he left said:

I completely agree with my superiors at the order of MSNBC.  My irreverent and disrespectful statement about Obama was totally inappropriate.  Again I want to offer a heartfelt and profound apology to Obama, whom I am obligated to love with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my strength and with all my mind.  I will spend my time in retreat praying that I can be returned to my order at MSNBC where I will once again be able to publicly celebrate the Obama.

By placing Halperin under interdict MSNBC sends a strong message that they are clamping down on unorthodox theological speculation concerning Obama.  Many feel that this will have a profoundly negative effect on the theology of Obama.  One theologian for MSNBC who prefers to remain anonymous told a reporter that

MSNBC is turning back the clock.  Only by keeping an open mind will there be development in the doctrine of Obama.   They are in effect closing their minds and their intellects.

Still MSNBC head Griffin remains unapologetic.

We have a duty to proclaim Obama in all his truth.  The public needs to know that they can come to us for the divinely revealed doctrine of Obama.

He also warned Halperin.

Let us hope his retreat bears fruit.  For if he does not return to MSNBC chastised he is in danger of losing his socialist soul.

Griffin then closed his statement by once again asking Obama for forgiveness.

We live in a sinful world where the message of Obama does not bear fruit sometimes.  For that we are all responsible.  Alperin’s language was regrettable.  Obama should never be publicly humiliated by being called what he was.  That language is reserved for Sarah Palin and her slutty and retarded children only.

While Halperin is in retreat he will be replaced by the more reliably orthodox Chuck Todd.



4 Responses

  1. Otis P. Driftwood says:

    Great post. Any word what obama thought about his remark?

  2. It seems like awfully hard punishment for one lousy dickhead comment. But I suppose that Obama is very sensitive about his dick head. That is the one with all of the great ideas.

  3. Chuck ‘meat’ Todd is a perfect choice.

    His orthodoxy is stronger than Halperins’!

  4. MK says:

    It most definitely is a church, a soft fascist one unfortunately, where the rest of us are forced to contribute. Unlike the other churches where you don’t have to worship if you don’t want to.

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