Angry White Male Writes Rhetorically Charged Document

This angry white male is filled with hatredDateline 5th July 1776.  From Ye Olde New York Times:

The entire political world of the 13 colonies of British North America has been thrown into turmoil due to the publication of a “Declaration of Independence” by the so-called Continental Congress, which as we remind our readers is an illegal usurpation of legitimate, liberal, enlightened authority.

Perhaps fearing repercussions from their cowardly act of hatred, the so-called Continental Congress at first refused to name the author of the hate-filled document.  But after intensive investigation we have learned that the author of the charged screed is none other than Thomas Jefferson, a 33 year-old member of the illegal congress representing the colony of Virginia.

We here at Ye Olde New York Times decry Mr. Jefferson’s angry charged rhetoric and ask him to tone down his language.  How long before one of his misguided followers uses this document as justification for arresting or, worse, killing one of the King’s legally sanctioned representatives in the colonies?

Mr. Jefferson states in this document that the King has “erected a multitude of new offices and sent hither swarms of officers to harass our people.”

Is this not a direct incitement to violence?  Already the Royal Governor of New Jersey, Sir William Franklin, ironically son of Benjamin Franklin, a prominent member of the angry opposition, has been arrested by the Provincial Congress of New Jersey.  Why?  Because the Royal Governor quite rightly refused to recognize this illegal assembly.

Mr. Jefferson also writes that the King has “plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives our our people.”

We here at Ye Olde New York Times deny that the King has done any of this.  If individual acts of violence have been done by the King’s troops they were done in defense of legally constituted authority.

Not content with inciting his followers with his rhetoric Mr. Jefferson has resorted to Ad hominem attacks, at one point calling the King a “tyrant, unfit to be the ruler of a free people.”

The times we live in are fraught with danger.  Individual acts of violence against the King have been committed by an extreme band of angry followers of Mr. Jefferson and his ilk.

In the name of peace we ask one final time for Mr. Jefferson to cease his writing and accept the authority of the  most enlightened and liberal of rulers, his Majesty King George III.

Ye Olde New York Times

5th July 1776


9 Responses

  1. Otis P. Driftwood says:

    The sad part is that Ye Olde New York Times would probably have reported it pretty much as the post did.

  2. Yes, yes, in the name of peace. I don’t know what our Founders were thinking. Perhaps it wasn’t just tobacco they were raising in Virginia.

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Otis: Yes. Very sad indeed.

    Jim: boy those founding fathers! What a bunch of angry bitter clinging white men. Probably teabaggers!

  4. loveclair says:

    sorry,i don’t know how to receive my response, why?

  5. Karen Howes says:

    Boy, the New York Slimes hasn’t changed much in 235 years, has it?

  6. Matt says:

    So, we should start calling liberals loyalists?

  7. Manhattan Infidel says:

    KH: Yep. Nothing much has changed for that “newspaper.”

    Matt: Well, liberals are very loyal to the court of St. Obama.

  8. eots says:

    Ha-ha! Happy 4th!

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