Alpha Control Admits "Mistakes in Judgement"

The Robinson family with their expensive silver space suitsAs contact  with the Jupiter II space craft carrying the Robinson family was lost, and the ship presumed to be hurtling through unknown regions of space, Alpha Control has admitted that any chance of colonizing habitable planets around Alpha Centauri is gone.

“We screwed up big time” said a spokesman for Alpha Control.  “I mean, where do we begin?”

Foremost among the criticisms of the failed project was the skimpy security surrounding the spacecraft.

Having the spacecraft guarded by one enlisted man probably wasn’t a good idea.  But we didn’t have any money in the budget for extra security.  All the money allocated to security we spent on those silver space suits.  And when we didn’t hear back from the guard we could have checked the security tapes.  That would have showed him being dumped into the trash bin beside the Jupiter II by Dr. Smith.

As for how Colonel Smith, a known saboteur, gained access to sensitive areas of the project, one spokesman said on condition of anonymity:

Look, we couldn’t fire him.  After “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” was repealed we had to allow  openly gay people like Dr. Smith to serve, even if he was an enemy agent.  If we had let him go there would have been political repercussions. Besides, since he didn’t need a silver space suit his salary was cheaper.

The fact that the environmental control robot was able to be programmed to destroy the ship is causing no end of embarrassment to Alpha Control.

Serves us right for using Windows Vista as an operating system.    We should have gone the Mac route or waited for Windows 7.   At the very least we should have put in a firewall.  But that would have been extra.  The silver space suits you know……..very expensive. 

Even the entire philosophy behind the Jupiter II project has come under withering criticism as the “population explosion” has failed to materialize and Earth’s resources are still abundant.  Said an Alpha Control executive:

I blame myself really.  I gave the director a book on Malthus once for his birthday and the next thing our mission had changed from research to colonization.  If I had to do it over again I probably would have given him a romance novel or a western.

Even if the population explosion were factual some have questioned the morality of sending an entire family into space.

It was going to take them five years to get to Alpha Centauri. Look Professor Robinson had his wife.  Judy had Major West.  Penny?  Well when she came of age Major West could have serviced her too.  But what about poor Will?  Unless he wants to get his freak on with the robot he’s shit out of luck sexually.

Since it is now obvious that colonization is out of the question, Alpha Control has shifted its mission.

From now on it’s all about outreach to the Muslim community.  But we’re not giving them any of our silver space suits.


6 Responses

  1. Matt says:

    And all the time, I thought Dr. Smith was a pedophile!

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt: There are rumors of a very close relationship between Dr. Smith and Will but these cannot be independently verified at the moment.

  3. Karen Howes says:

    Well, Faisal Abdul Rauf has just warned that if the Robinsons don’t give them their space suits, or Mooslums anger will explode and it could become very, very, very, very dangerous.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    KH: They can take our freedom but they will never take our expensive silver space suits!

  5. Mark says:

    I always suspected that the robot was bio-curious. DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!!

  6. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Mark: My computer tapes are all worn out……..

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