The suicide vest, unsightly and long a victim of function over form is about to get a makeover.

“It’s literally an exploding market” said one designer.  “It’s time we tapped into it.”

A growing number of would be suicide bombers are being caught because their bomb-laden vests are bulky and can be seen beneath their normal clothes.  The new vests are made of miracle light-weight fabric, are smaller and easier to hide and many come with bonus features.

Sean John is marketing a new line of “modern, miracle, lightweight, breathable and sexy” suicide vests.  Their vests come in a variety of colors and patterns.  A statement put out by the company said:

What suicide bomber wouldn’t want to wear a Sean John?  For too long brave, noble, progressive bombers have been weighed down by bulky, heavy fabric. Our vests are lightweight.  Now the suicide bomber can kill the infidel AND look sexy while doing it.  Order now while supplies last.  Offer not valid in Israel.

Sean John’s suicide vests, while winning rave reviews have been criticized for their high price. A company spokesman defended the high price tag saying, “Look these are limited edition Sean John originals.  Plus, it’s safe to say when someone buys a suicide vest he’s probably not going to be a repeat customer.”

Vera Wang has announced a new brand of summer suicide vests that “flow in the breeze and add a touch of whimsy and romance to killing infidels.”

Gucci, in conjunction with Apple is introducing a new line of “iSuicide Vests.”  According to Gucci’s website:

The iVest will radically change forever how the infidel is killed.  Now Allah’s warriors can surf the web and download the Koran onto their vest.  Imagine how the other suicide bombers will look on in envy as you strap bombs to your vest while reciting your favorite passages from the Koran and whistling your favorite Justin Beiber tunes!

With Islam the world’s largest religion, sales of the new, fashion-designed suicide vests are expected to help the world recover from the global recession.

“It’s the best of all possible outcomes” said Sean Jean Combs, aka, Diddy.  “We are making money on the cutting edge of fashion and we are helping the World.  I feel good about this.”

(2260)