A Special Message from the Bell, California Chamber of Commerce

The beautiful mecca that is Bell CalliforniaHello fellow Americans.  Are you worried about today’s sluggish economy?  Have you recently been laid off from your job and do not have any prospects?  Are the jobs you are finding entry level that do not pay what you are used to?  Do not fear.  Come to Bell California:  A paradise by the Pacific where high-paying government jobs await!  Here are just some of the benefits:

  • At Bell California part time jobs in the city government start at $100,000!
  • Work from home 20 hours a week.
  • Be your own boss!
  • Parking privileges!  Never worry about a traffic ticket again!
  • After two years on the job base salaries for top city officials rise to $1,000,000 a year not including overtime!
  • Dental, eye and medical coverage free!
  • Have the opportunity to meet exciting law enforcement types like our previous Mayor (see below).

You too can meet exciting law enforcement types if you come work for Bell California!

I know what you are saying.

“This seems too good to be true.  What do I have to do to be eligible for all these benefits?”

Simple.  Once a month you must attend a town hall meeting.  Many of our citizens will be at these meetings.  Some (usually the lower classes) will feel the need to redress grievances.

Do not fear!  Remember this:  You do not work for them!  You work for the government.  No private citizen has the right to complain to you.  If they persist you can legally raise their property taxes!

And don’t forget, with our proximity to Hollywood a story could be made of your life.  How would you like to have an A-list  top star (perhaps Jimmy Smits) play you in a TV movie?

So come to Bell California and enjoy the American dream!

Offer limited to the continental United States. Void where prohibited by law.



11 Responses

  1. Bell, California should be nuked.

    There I said it.

  2. Amazing post. Thanks for info.

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    CRS: Nuked it shall be. And on a totally unrelated note, I just bought my tickets to the American League Division and Championship Series. Right now I’m hoping the Yanks don’t have home field advantage. If they do the games will be played on nights I work so I won’t be able to go. So….let’s go Tampa and Minnesota – time to start that winning streak.

    SW: Thanks.

  4. innominatus says:

    Dang. I’d finally gotten over my Jimmy Smits man-crush and you just had to go ahead and mention him. I’ll be in the bathroom with a potato peeler trying to remove my “I Jimmy” tattoo…

  5. innominatus says:

    Bummer. WordPress didn’t like my “heart” thingy that was supposed to be part of the tattoo. Somehow this makes a bad situation even worse.

  6. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Inn: The great and good (even though his new show sucks) Jimmy Smits forgives you. You know he’s a Wham! fan.

  7. Matt says:

    Is it wrong that I think the “big one” will be well deserved? Really, I think it will be nature’s way of shaking off the fail!

  8. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt: Is it too late to give California back to Mexico?

  9. Karen Howes says:

    What Shamus said. Though I’ve been saying California should be nuked, along with Britain, for awhile now.

  10. MK says:

    California is now the model if anyone ever wants to become fiscally irresponsible and flat-broke. Thank you liberal scum for turning yet another fine place to sh!t.

  11. Manhattan Infidel says:

    MK: Yes California definitely deserves to be thrown to the wolves. It used to be a paradise. Now it is a failed nation state.

Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>