Yankees Win in Nonsuspenseful Nonpennant Race

“Baseball is the only place in life where a sacrifice is really appreciated” ~ author unknown.

Yankee Stadium - deep in the heart of the beautiful Bronx

Tonight the Yankees faced arch rival the Tampa Bay -(Devil) Rays in a American League East matchup.  Before the game the Yankees held a slim 1/2 game lead over Tampa.  Now, normally with two weeks to go in the season that would mean an exciting pennant race.  But since the lords of baseball have deemed to give us the Wild Card, and since the Wild Card always comes from the AL East you can forget about suspense.  We’re both making the playoffs.

Today was Frank Sinatra CD giveaway day at the stadium.  In keeping with the Sinatra theme, Frank Sinatra Jr. (who looks and sounds just like his father) sang the national anthem.  I got so sentimental I kicked Peter Lawford out of the Rat Pack.  During the 7th inning stretch Shecky Greene was brought out onto the field and savagely beaten by four goons.

The game was delayed a half-hour for the unveiling of a plaque in Monument Park to the late George Steinbrenner.  Many former Yankees were in attendance but the biggest applause was saved for Donnie Baseball – Don Mattingly and Joe Torre who were present for the ceremony. The plaque mentioned Steinbrenner’s contributions to baseball.  Curiously there was no mention of his two suspensions from baseball or his hiring gamblers to dig up dirt on Dave Winfield.

Before the game it was also mentioned that on this day in 1968 Mickey Mantle hit the last home run of his career.  To honor this the first 18 thousand in attendance were given free hookers and booze.

Onto the game.

The Yankees started rookie Ivan “I can give you five innings nothing more” Nova (1-0 4.37 ERA) and Tampa started Matt Garza (14-9 4.01 ERA).  The Yankees scored first in the bottom of the third when Francisco “The Cisco Kid” Cervelli led off with a single.  Curtis Granderson then hit a home run.  2-0 Yankees after three.

In the bottom of the Fifth an AROD sacrifice fly scored Cervelli. Then, with the bases load a walk to Nick Swisher scored Derek Jeter.  4-0 Yankees after five.

Up to this point Nova had been cruising.  An easy Yankee win you say?  That was before the sixth inning, aka, the inning of 1000 walks, aka the inning that would never end.

Nova couldn’t hold the lead.  A catcher’s interference call on Cervelli allowed the first run.  Longoria grounded into a double play that scored John Jaso.  Nova was then taken out and Boone Logan (‘s run) was brought in.   Logan promptly allowed Dan Johnson to single home Ben Zobrist.  Boone was then taken out and Chad Gaudin was brought in.  He promptly walked home the tying run before the half inning mercifully ended.

Uh-oh.  Another one of those games I thought.  But in the bottom of the sixth Derek “Minka Kelly likes my new hairstyle” Jeter singled home Brett Gardner and the Yanks retook the  lead.  Curtis Granderson then hit his second home run of the night, a three-run shot scoring Cervelli and Jeter.  8-4 Yankees after six.

In the top of the Seventh Tampa Bay got a run back when an Evan Longoria sac fly scored John Jaso.  8-5 Yankees after Seven.

Mariano Rivera was brough in to pitch the ninth.  Rivera had a bad road trip, blowing two saves.  Ben Zobrist hit a line drive that to everyone with vision was clearly a foul ball.  However, everyone with vision does not include Major League umpires.  It was ruled fair and he got a double.  Longoria singled him home making it 8-6 before Rivera was finally able to close the door and get the save.

Notes on the game:

The topic of conversation around the ballpark continued to be who caused A.J. Burnett’s black eye? A.J. Burnett and his shiner

Who indeed punched him? Mrs. Burnett? Jorge Posada? Pitching coach Dave Eiland? We’ll never know since the Yankees aren’t talking.  But I suspect it was probably a Yankee fan enraged at watching him suck so badly the second half of the season.

Nick Johnson injury watch:

His Yankee career over, Johnson was at his mailbox sending out copies of his resume “To whom it may concern:  I am experienced in the DH position and know PowerPoint……” when he tripped and was knocked unconscious.  Neighborhood dogs gathered around him and suspecting he was a mailman took turns ripping his body to shreds.  Johnson’s agent is confident that this setback will in no way delay his return to uniform next Spring with another team.

Recommended reading material:

An Economic Interpretation of the Constitution of the United States by Charles A. Beard.

Reader mail:

M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “We had a tornado in Brooklyn and the roof was ripped off of our bedroom.  When this happened I noticed a large cache of skulls in the ceiling I had never seen before.  Should I call the police about this?”

I wouldn’t.   This is New York after all.  Most buildings have a large cache of skulls and/or body parts stashed somewhere.  Besides, the cops have more important things to do like arresting smokers.

S.B of Hollywood California writes, “I noticed these things in my basement.  They look like great big seed pods. Should I be worried?”

Only if you are sleepy.

Thomas Aquinas writes, “There is no soul or part of a soul in semen.”

Umm.  That’s good to know I guess.

Anyway my record this year stands at 11-8.  My next and final regular season home game is Tuesday September 21st against the Tampa Bay Rays.  On Friday the 24th tickets go on sale for the ALDS and ALCS.  I will of course suspend my customary porn viewing to buy tickets.

Go Yankees!



5 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    I used to like Mattingly but next year he’s gonna be managing the Dodgers. The f’n LA Dodgers, man! I hope he gets struck in the head by a giant supersonic meteorite.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    I forgot – you’re a Giant fan aren’t you? You realize that if there is a Yankee/Giant world series you will be bombarded with Wham! lyrics.

  3. innominatus says:

    If there is a Yankees/Giants world series, you will be bombarded with LOSSSSSSSS! Bwaaahaaahaa! [/optimist]

    Actually, there’ll probably be an earthquake and the Giants will lose in 5. [/realist]

  4. Karen Howes says:

    Hate to tell ya, but I live in Tampa, so I have to like the Rays. Combine that with my Dad’s being from Boston…

  5. Manhattan Infidel says:

    KH: You know of course, in the immortal words of one B. Bunny: “Of course you realize this means war!”

Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>