Having started this blog in February 2009 I naturally hoped for success.  Well, I am pleased to announce that I have joined the ranks of the media elite.  As proof of this I now present my exclusive interview with Osama Bin Laden.

Using my contacts at several of the major news outlets I was led to Bin Laden’s hideout in the border region of Afghanistan and Pakistan.  Bin Laden welcomed me warmly and, rumors to the contrary, seemed to be in excellent spirits and health.

The first thing I noticed was how muscular and sexy he was.  At one point he took his shirt off to go bathing and invited me to join him. Most of the interview was conducted informally as we bathed.  I sensed a connection between us.  He being a freedom fighter with a marked preference for a socialist, government-driven economy and I, a member of the mainstream media.

MI:  Let’s get down to basics.  How are you doing?  How is your health?  Do you get depressed at all, being constantly harassed by the United States?

OSL: I am doing fine.  My health is fine.  Contrary to what Bush and the right-wingers in your government would hope.  My liver is fine and I will live for a long time.  The past ten years have been difficult though.  I had to move to a cave to avoid your illegal predator drones.

As he spoke the sound of planes buzzed overhead.

MI:  I’ve noticed the planes.  We have had an increase in Islamaphobia in the U.S.  It fills me with shame and goes against all the U.S. stands for. I apologize for the controversy surrounding the mosque at ground zero

OBL:  I know.  Why won’t the American racists let us build a community center?

Mr. Bin Laden grew quiet at this point.  He seemed pained at the disrespect America has shown the great Prophet.  Afraid that he might end the interview I changed the subject.

MI:  What do you do to survive?  How do you hold out against the U.S.?  Many of us admire your fortitude.

OBL:  Three things give me courage:  My Koran, my sheep and my DVDs of House.  God I love that show.

MI:  It is a good show.

OBL:  Yes, House, the Koran, my sheep.  Whitney Houston CDs.  I heard she’s single now.  Maybe I have a chance?

At the mention of Whitney Houston Bin Laden blushed noticeably.  His laugh broke the tension and I laughed with him.  Two men among men, talking about women and sharing a bath together.

OBL:  Damn she is so sexy.

MI:  What is your long-term goal?

OBL:  Whitney Houston.

The cave once again broke out into laughter.  I was much impressed with his spirit and style.  The way he spoke reminded me of an old testament prophet.  He made my leg tingle.

MI:  Seriously.  What are your goals?

OBL:  My goal is simple.  A world-wide Muslim Caliphate.  The world must be governed by the laws of Allah. And the economy must be based on the social justice of Allah, centrally planned.  Workers will be paid in sheep.

MI:  I thank you for your time sir.

OBL:  Your outreach to the Muslim world will not go unrewarded.  When we take over I promise not to clitorally circumsize your wife.

MI:  I appreciate that.  Any last word for my readers?

OBL:  Yes.  I love House!  Whitney Houston give me a call!  If anyone has the DVD of the last year of 24 and Lost can you send me a copy?  And America is the Great Satan!

I  left this great man to his cares but not before I gave him a copy of Eat Pray Love.  He promised to watch it as soon as he could.

“I love Julia Roberts!” he said.

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