LAPD Suspends Joe Friday and Bill Gannon

Joe Friday and Bill Gannon before beating up a suspectAfter a lengthy review of their actions, the LAPD has suspended without pay controversial policemen Sargent Joe Friday and his partner Bill Gannon.

“This is a kinder, gentler LAPD” said Chief Charlie Beck.  “We are trying to improve our image with the immigrant community and those two certainly don’t help our case.”

The two first came to the attention of internal affairs after the now infamous “get a haircut hippie” incident.  Officers Friday and Gannon were cruising in their patrol car when they spotted a long-haired man sitting on the front steps of his apartment building.  According to reports Friday asked the man for identification.  Before the man had a chance to produce his driver’s license Gannon slapped him.  The official transcript is as follows:

Friday: Don’t con me with your mind expansion slop. I deal with kids every day.  I clean up the mess the people like you make of them.

Man: What? I’m just trying to show you my I.D.  I live in this building.

Friday:  Now listen to me you gutter-mouthed punk.  I’ve dealt with you before and every time it took me a month to wash off the filth.  Mister, you’re a two bit hoodlum and now you’ve graduated to the sewer.

Man:  What the hell are you talking about?

Friday:   Let’s save time.  Last April a police officer was shot at Olive and Main and we think you and that shotgun did it.

Man:  What shotgun?  The one your partner is holding?  I’ve never seen it before.  Look I’m a CPA.

Friday:  You’re pretty high and far out.  What kind of kick are you on son?

Bill Gannon: Are you stalling for time or are you just senile?

It was at this point that Friday told him to “get a haircut hippie” and shot the man’s big toe off.

On another occasion Friday and Gannon arrived at the home of an elderly woman who claimed she had been robbed.  After ascertaining that she has simply forgot where she had placed her purse a disgusted Friday booked her on a “section 601 – in danger of leading an idle, dissolute or immoral life” and told her to cut her hair.  He then shot her big toe off.

Chief Beck told reporters that he fully expects the suspension of the two to lead to their firing.

“Look, this is Los Angeles not Chicago, Philadelphia or Pleasant Valley, New York.  We have rules here.  Our cops have to follow them.”

He then apologized for his limp.

“When I told Friday he was suspended he called me a hippie and told me to get a haircut.  Then he shot my big toe off.”


4 Responses

  1. Matt says:

    Friday should join Harry Callahan and investigate crimes for a reality series.

  2. Karen Howes says:

    Unless you’re a heavy metal musician, you dang well deserve to get your big toe shot off if you’re a guy with long hair. 😛

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt: Excellent idea. And as an added touch they can shoot the losers.

    KH: Having as much hair as Bruce Willis I guess that means I can keep all my toes!

  4. KingShamus says:

    Minor Detail: The elderly woman who got her toe shot off was Hillary Clinton.

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