Puffing on a cigar Fidel Castro admitted to reporters that the communist system he instituted in Cuba has not worked out according to plan.

“Boy do I have egg on my face” said the long-time leader of Cuba.  “I don’t know what went wrong.  The government runs 90 percent of the economy and we have shortages of everything.  This isn’t how Che said it would work out.”

Workers are paid the equivalent of 20 dollars a month in return for free healthcare and education.  Workers also receive portions of their food through ration stamps.

“Eliminating competition was supposed to make everything more efficient” said Castro.  “I mean having the government run everything sounded like such a good idea.  I was wrong.  I guess all those political prisoners were executed for nothing.”

He then stood up and paced around the room.

“If I was wrong about state control of the economy I guess I was wrong about everything” he said before going into a list of all the decisions he’s made that now in hindsight appear to be wrong.

I told Paul McCartney to put Linda in Wings.  It seemed like a good idea at the time.  Sure, Paul, I said.  People won’t mind.  She’ll add to the band.

I told William Shatner that T.J. Hooker would only be a hit if he wore a curly wig.  It’ll make you look younger I said.  No one will know it’s a toupee.

I told David Caruso to leave NYPD Blue after first season.  You don’t need the show I said.  You’re going on to bigger and better things.

I told David Lee Roth he didn’t need Van Halen.

I told McLean Stevenson to leave MASH.

I told the purple Teletubby to come out of the closet.  Children’s television is ready for a gay hero I said.

I told Bill Clinton how to use a cigar during foreplay.  All men do it I said.

Castro then sat down and put his head in his hands.

“I was wrong about everything.  Well, almost everything.”

He then pointed to several boxes of New Coke he had in his room.

I told Coke to change their formula.  New Coke is fantastic! Thank God I bought three million cans.  Sometimes during food shortages I hand them out to the workers.  Some make rafts out of them and wade into the Gulf.

He then excused himself.

I’d like to stay and talk but Danny Glover is dropping by.  We are going to listen to eight-track tapes together.  Say, I haven’t had much of a chance to follow baseball the past couple years.  How are the St. Louis Browns doing?  Is Connie Mack still managing the Philadelphia Athletics?

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