On Sunday the Yankees clinched the American League East with a victory over the hated Red Sox.  (And what does Boston do?  That’s right.  Bahstahn sawks cack.)

The Yankees have clinched the A.L. East and home field advantage throughout the playoffs essentially making the last 6 games of the year about as meaningful as my eHarmony subscription (really, what is the point anymore.)

Would the Yankees field their “A” team or their “B” team.  When the lineup was announced it became clear.  They were fielding their “C” team.  No Teixeira.  No Jeter.  No AROD.  No Matsui.  No Swisher.  No Damon.  The infield consisted of Juan “No future with Yankees” Miranda at 1st base, Ramiro Pena at Shortstop, Eric “Will be with another team next year” Hinske at 3rd base.  Only Robinson Cano of the regulars started.  The outfield consisted of Melky Cabrera in Left Field, Brett Gardner in Center Field and Shelly “Career minor leaguer” Duncan in Right Field.  Of course, being that they were playing the Kansas City Royals they could have thrown out deaf dumb and blind pinball players and still won.

But first, given that this is the Summer that New York and Seattle traded climates a two-hour rain delay was called for.  This wasn’t my only rain delay of the year.  I sat through a 2 1/2 rain delay against Boston in May.

Fun things to do during a rain delay:

1.  Take out your penis and invite attractive young female fans to “stroke it for good luck.”  (Note:  I’ve been informed that this is illegal and might lead to an arrest……..just another example of our precious freedoms being destroyed by a nanny-state government.)

2.  Ask people if they want to buy your DVD copy of “A Hard Day’s Night” autographed by Mickey Dolenz and Mike Nesmith.

3.  Run up and down the concourse screaming “Has anyone seen Maureen?  Has anyone seen Maureen?  For the love of Christ has anyone seen Maureen?” Do this until Yankee Stadium Security crushes your testicles.

4.  Tell a 5-year old child attending his first baseball game that it is raining because “God hates you.”

Onto the game.

The Yankees started Chad Gaudin who has pitched impressively for the Yankees.   He held the Royals to 2 runs and 4 hits while striking out 5 over 6 2/3 innings.  It was a scoreless tie until the bottom of the 4th when Eric Hinske singled home Robinson Cano. 1-0 Yankees after 4.  The Royals tied it in the top of the 5th off a home run by Mark Teahen.  1-1 after 4 1/2 innings.  The Yankees regained the lead in the bottom of the 5th when Ramiro Pena connected for his first Major League Home Run.  Ironically before he hit the home run the statistic “Ramiro Pena was voted best defensive player in the minors” flashed on the screen.  Usually this statistic means “No future in the Majors.”  I think Pena saw it was got angry.  Hence the home run.  2 -1 Yankees after 5.

Gaudin got into a bit of trouble in the 6th.  After a Mitch Maier strikeout Yuniesky Betancourt doubled.  Billy Butler followed with another double and Mark Jacobs hit a sacrifice fly sending Betancourt home.   2 -2 after 5 1/2.

The Yankees regained the lead for good in the bottom of the 6th as Jorge “Angry Spanish man” Posada doubled, went to 3rd on a fielder’s choice and scored on Shelly Duncan’s single.    3-2 Yankees after 6.  In the bottom of the 7th the Yankees blew it open scoring 5 runs (4 of them on a grand slam by Robinson Cano.) Alfredo Aceves pitched two innings of no-hit ball in relief for the Yanks.  Final score Yankees 8 Royals 2.

Notes on the game:

The bathrooms in the 100 level of seats have privacy dividers between the urinals and motion-activated soap dispensers and sinks. This is luxury!  No word on whether they also have attendants hold your penis while you take out your snuff box and snort away while you say things like “Lovey let’s take a cruise this weekend on our yacht.”  I’ve heard rich people sometimes do that.

Crack at 12 o’clock – The woman sitting in front of me insisted on burying her head in her boyfriend’s lap the entire game.  This resulted in her shirt riding up exposing her pink panties as well as her butt crack.  Seeing as how I was eating peanuts at the time I was tempted to see if I could throw the shell into her butt crack.  But I refrained.  Why?  Because I’m a good person.  That’s what everybody says.  And not just out of fear because they sense the spree killer inside of me waiting to break free.

Recommended reading material:   Tin Horns and Calico, a Decisive Episode in the Emergence of Democracy by Henry Christman.

Reader mail:

Rick the stick writes “I feel something growing on my shoulder.  Friends tell me it’s an eye.  I’ve heard of this happening but only in that bad movie with Rosie Greer and Ray Milland.  I don’t want an eye growing on my shoulder.  Should I be worried?”

And I thought you were a Yankee fan.  True Yankee fans accept any hardship and pay any price (well, except for the $2500 dollar seats.)

Jimmy the Hat writes “I told my fried Rick the Stick that he has an eye growing on his shoulder when it’s really just a pimple.  What can I say.  I’m evil and love playing with the guy.”

Next time tell him it’s a Borg Cube.  If he recognizes the reference then he’s a nerd.  And who wants to be friends with a nerd.

Thomas Aquinas writes “The emission of semen then ought to be so directed as that both the proper generation may ensue and the education of offspring be secured.”

Tom,  your banned from these pages.

John Paul II writes “It was on the basis of a naturalistic understanding of the sexual act that – “

Stop right there.  People!  Please!  Confine your comments to baseball.

Kanye West writes “Yo Manhattan Infidel I’m happy for you and Imma let you finish but Beyonce has the best blog ever.”

Sigh.  Baseball.  Please.

Maureen of California writes “I see me!  I see me!  And what is that growing on Rick the Stick’s shoulder?”

Okay, I’m going to quit while I’m ahead.

So my record this year at Yankee games stands at 12-2.  My next and final (regular) season game is Tuesday September 29th against the Kansas City “Thank god for the Washington Nationals.  Now maybe people won’t notice how much we suck” Royals.

Go Yankees.

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