It was learned today that the entire Mexican National Swim Team has drowned in the Rio Grande River.  Mexican President Felipe Calderon, in announcing the tragedy said “This is the worst calamity to befall Mexico since the last Mexican Swim Team drowned in the Rio Grande, which in turn is the worst calamity to befall Mexico since the Mexican Soccer Team drowned in the Rio Grande, which in turn is the worst calamity to befall Mexico since the previous Mexican Soccer team drowned in the Rio Grande.” President Calderon also announced that offices in the occupied territory of Northern California will remain closed in mourning.

The deaths have lead to protests throughout Mexico.  Chanting “No Justice.  No Peace.  One pie with pepperoni.  $17.95 please” thousands of Mexicans took to the streets demanding change.

“It is not fair that our finest citizens should drown every year” declared Mexican Opposition Leader Alejandro Encinas Rodriguez.  “We demand that the United States give us Michael Phelps and that he give us free swimming lessons.  If they do not do this we will burn every copy of every DVD with Salma Hayek in it.  This will bring the United States to its knees.”

In the United Nations, Secretary General Ban Ki-moon called an emergency session and told reporters “This is typical of the aggressive actions of the United States.  By putting a water barrier between it and Mexico they are inviting the deaths of Mexicans.”

He also told the assembled reporters “I am not a Secretary General.  I am an Administrative Assistant General” before riding off on his tricycle.

From Washington President Obama pledged to do all in his power to rectify the situation.  Calling the Rio Grande “an evil and polluted river” he said he will pour concrete into the entire length of the river and then top the concrete with astroturf.  “I envision a 1800 mile long pedestrian mall.  What better way to promote peace between our two warring countries?  No Mexican will ever again have to drown in that accursed river.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell had no comment on President Obama’s plan though he did note that $17.95 for a pepperoni pizza did seem a “little pricey – $12.95 is more reasonable” and announced that he would hold hearings on the subject.

“$12.95 or fight!  This will be our rallying cry in 2010.”

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