House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) announced today that not only did the CIA lie to her about the practice of waterboarding but that over the years the CIA has engaged in a pattern of “obstruction of truth” with regards to her queries for information from the Agency.

Holding an impromptu press conference from her office, Speaker Pelosi produced a series of documents relating to her meetings with Agency officials over the past 5 years.

“Each time I asked for specific information and the CIA has lied to me” she said, holding up transcripts of the meetings.

“On December 5th 2002  I met with CIA representatives on the subject of Santa Claus.  I wanted to know if in fact Claus does exist.  I have long suspected that he did not exist. I hadn’t started my Christmas shopping yet so it was imperative that I had this information.  The people I met with informed me that according to their most recent intelligence reports, Santa Claus did exist.”

An agitated Pelosi continued producing documents that she said proved that the CIA was lying.

“I had several follow up meetings in the next few weeks on this subject.  On December 12 I asked Agency representatives if Santa can in fact tell who is naughty and who is nice.  It had been a rough year for me and I was worried that Santa might think I had been naughty.  They told me that he does have that ability and that I was definitely nice.”

Pelosi then talked about her next meeting with the CIA.

“On December 18th I had another meeting with the CIA.  I wanted to confirm that Santa was  cleared to fly in United States airspace on Christmas Eve.  They informed me that he had been granted special permission and would be able to visit that year. “

Here Pelosi’s voice wavered and a tear fell from her cheek.  “I waited up all night for Santa.  I had milk and cookies…..”  Her voice trailed off and she appeared confused, shuffling her papers.

“I have transcripts of other meetings.  March 23 2005.   I asked the CIA if they knew the identity of the walrus.  They told me it was probably one of the Beatles.  Perhaps Pete.  Now I find out all along that the walrus was Paul.  The CIA had to know it was Paul.  They  lied to me.  April 29th 2007.  I met with the CIA to find out if they knew if Charlie was going to be killed off on ‘Lost.’   They said he would live.  I turn into the season finale and Charlie gets killed off!  Lies!  All damn lies!!”

It was at this point that Pelosi appeared to begin speaking in tongues with the only understandable phrase being “Susquehanna!  Susquehanna hat company” repeated over and over.

Shortly after Speaker Pelosi started speaking in tongues an ambulance appeared outside her office.  Several men in white lab coats entered and strapped her to a stretcher.  One attendant said “I hate it when she escapes.  We always have to track her down and bring her back to the residence.”  She was sedated and placed in the ambulance.

The CIA had no comment on today’s events.

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