New York is a sanctuary city!

In a daring operation not seen since the Berlin Airlift, New York City has begun airdropping Mexicans trapped behind the lines in Red State America into the open arms of their sanctuary city.

“New York City is a progressive city” said mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio.)

We reject the results of the last presidential election where white people voted out of fear and prejudice. We welcome all races, classes, creeds and gender designations. Okay, maybe not creeds. We do not welcome Christians. But everybody else is welcome in New York City. Except for the Irish and the Latvians, but that’s just common sense.

As part of Operation Sanctuary City, New York contracted with border cities in Texas, New Mexico and Arizona to fly their undocumented immigrants to Manhattan aboard surplus B-52s where they will be dropped onto a grateful and progressive city.  But before this can happen the Mexican (and other central American) undocumented are given rudimentary parachute lessons in hopes of easing their transition to the northern sanctuary city.

Test trials were run all summer with mixed results.

“A lot of the Mexicans were reluctant to jump out of the planes we provided” said a source at Operation Sanctuary City.

Perhaps they didn’t trust the parachutes we gave them. Granted they are used parachutes but we bought in bulk. It was cheaper. But most of the parachutes worked.  Perhaps it was a cultural thing. They associate jumping out of planes with the white man. Perhaps it was the fact that none of the instructors spoke Spanish. We hired Portuguese-speaking instructors because they were cheaper. And Portuguese is almost Spanish, right?

The results of the trials, where Mexicans were dropped onto Oklahoma City, Little Rock and Philadelphia, were for the most part promising.

A good 75 percent survived the jump, though the citizens of the test cities complained that many of the Mexicans landed on their cars or had no marijuana to sell them. So we started providing pot that we bought in Colorado to the Mexicans. After that residents complained that the Mexicans were still landing on their cars, but seemed more mellow when doing so.

With the trials deemed a success the actual drops on Manhattan began the day after the election. Many New Yorkers, stunned, scared and looking for safe spaces, welcomed the airlifted Mexicans.

“Look at all those future Democratic voters in the sky” said one upper west side resident.

The election has made all of us in Manhattan feel besieged by a giant wall of red state voters. We feel like oppressed minorities. The conservatives are always saying that we progressives have our heads in the clouds but I tell you when I saw all those beautiful, brown Mexicans dropping from the sky I thanked god I had my head in the clouds. I just wish they hadn’t landed on my car.

Because of complaints about Mexicans landing on their cars, city residents are asked on the days of drops to park their cars in indoor garages or paint on the roof of their car “Do not land here. Please.”

“I am confident that New Yorkers will welcome our new undocumented with open – son of a bitch! Did he just land on my car?” said an exasperated Mayor Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio.)

(27)

I get confused easily and sometimes forget where I am

Aging, decrepit, former Hollywood superstar Robert DeNiro was quoted as saying that the election of Donald Trump has him depressed. It’s a lingering depression that he hasn’t felt since 9/11.

“How am I doing? Very depressed” he told a reporter.  Well, he thought it was a reporter but the easily confused former actor mistook one of his six maids for a reporter.

Things are not going well in the United States. Things aren’t being done right. Our economy is in shambles because angry white men aren’t buying products. Our constitution is being ignored by angry white men without college degrees. Donald Trump is not my president.

The aging, incontinent actor then took a break from mistaking one of his maids for a reporter to spend 45 minutes on the toilet in a failed attempt to move his bowels.

I drink a lot more wine than I used to. It’s supposed to help me move my bowels. I drink pomegranate juice as well.  Laxatives, you name it. I’ve done them all. But still my bowels won’t move. Why the hell am I wearing diapers if I can’t go?

He then continued talking to his maid.

The results of election night brought back nightmares from 9/11. When it was announced that Trump was elected I once again saw the twin towers collapsing. I once again saw people jumping to their death rather than burn. I once again felt the horror of America attacked. I once again spent an hour on the toilet watching my penis slowly dribble out urine while I could not move my bowels.

After his nurse cleaned his diapers and wiped the drool off the side of his face, the over-the-hill, septuagenarian with compromised physical and mental capabilities continued his rant against the President-elect.

What is the electoral college for anyway? Why do we have it?  I mean someone once gave me a copy of the Federalist papers. It’s in a stack of books I have in my bathroom. I spend a lot of time in my bathroom now. Nothing ever happens. I sit and I sit but I never shit. My doctor thinks there may be a blockage of some sort. Like Donald Trump is blocking our Constitution.

The actor who is rarely seen in public and is easily confused by unfamiliar surroundings then dropped his pants.

Why can’t I go? Why can’t I go? I’m one of the elite. Give me a stool softener. Maybe that’ll make everything flow out, like the way Donald Trump is softening the Constitution to establish his alt-right dictatorship. I bet it was Donald Trump who brought down the towers on 9/11. Just like the alt-right to blame the Muslims who are the true religion of peace.

After finishing his rant comparing the election of Donald Trump to 9/11 the aging actor, his mind fading, was led by the hand to his bed where he was tucked in by his nurse. A bed pan lay on the nightstand in case DeNiro needed to use it.

“I’m sorry about this” said his nurse.  “He gets on rants sometimes. His mind isn’t clear about a lot of things nowadays.”

As I left his place I could hear DeNiro yelling from his bedroom.

“Where the hell is my bedpan. I feel a bowel movement coming on. Dammit!  Nothing!”

(25)

WELCOME TO PORTLAND, CITY OF FRIENDLY FEELINGS!

I am often asked if I could turn over the pages of Manhattan Infidel to guest bloggers. My response is always the same:  I have three readers. Pay me and knock yourself out.

And so today I have the pleasure of handing over Manhattan Infidel to the Portland, Oregon Chamber of Commerce.  Take it away!

Thank you Manhattan Infidel.

Are your many readers thinking of a good vacation spot? Or perhaps a city to relocate. Well look no further.

Portland Oregon is uniquely poised to be the up-and-coming city of the 21st century. We are the 26th most populous city in the United States.  And our relatively low cost of living, interstates, marine terminals and intercontinental railroads all provide an economic edge.

Portland is a progressive city and we pride ourselves on our tolerance and diversity^.

Tolerance of many different opinions, assuming all opinions are progressive.

You may have seen images of rioting in our beloved city. This is just our populace making its voice heard. Donald Trump has been elected. A college-educated, progressive city such as ours cannot and will not tolerate a free and fair election of a non-progressive. Leave that to the uneducated red necks of the inland states. That is why Oregon will  join California and Washington and secede from this racist, non-progressive nation.

Diversity. Did you know that while our population is 76 percent white, those white people come from all over Northern Europe. We have white people from England, white people from Scotland, white people from Denmark, Sweden and Norway. White people from the Netherlands. White people from Switzerland. We even have white people from France and Spain! (Even though their white bona fides are questionable.) You see, we have a melting pot of white diversity!

But not to worry. We also have non-white races represented (and not just the Irish!) Seven percent of our population are progressive, college educated Asians. Six percent of our population is black. Many are not college educated but they are welcome anyway as long as they stay in public housing built just for them.

Portland also proudly believes in freedom.  As such we have been voted the “Least religious city in the United States.”  Why over 42 percent of our residents are non-affiliated with any superstitious religion. We in Portland have no time for superstition. We are college educated and as such worship only the State.

Portland also is LGBT tolerant. We are second only to San Francisco in LGBT population. Our LGBTs add to our city’s diversity. And, of course, they are college-educated and progressive.

So come to Portland. Vacation. Do business. Make it your home.

Portland. We are a free expression city and are rioting tolerant. As long as the rioters are progressive and college educated.

Well I’m sold. I’m moving to Portland!

(111)

Closed because everyone went to Canada.

In the three days since Donald Trump was elected the 45th President of the United States, Hollywood has reverted to a state of nature, with tumbleweeds and pigs roaming deserted streets as Hollywood stars climbed to the top of the Capitol Records building and tried to get on the last helicopter out of town before Trump takes over.

“How could this happen?  How” cried Amy Schumer.

I love America. It’s the greatest socialist nation ever. I love American values of redistribution of wealth and the confiscation of guns. But how can Trump get elected?  He didn’t even get the most votes! Isn’t the person who gets the most votes win? It’s in the Constitution or something.

Popular singer Barbra Streisand lamented the recent turn of events.

“Elections are just too important to be left into the hands of the people” she said.

America is a large country. Or so it appears to be on the map. I’ve only seen LA and New York. Lots of good respectable progressives in both towns. But between those two cities?  It’s scary. Lots and lots of white people. And  not respectable white people either who have college degrees and work in think tanks. But white folk who own farms and do manual labor. People who have never been to college or know the glory of socialism. I hate them. I mean I hope they buy my records but they’re not true Americans.

Bryan Cranston, popular star of Breaking Bad regretted the necessity of moving to Canada.

“I am an American” he cried as he pushed John Stewart off the helicopter to make room for his wife.

And my American experience is fairly typical. I was born and raised in Hollywood, the son of an actor. I’ve lived my entire life in Hollywood. But with Trump elected now I have no choice but to move to Canada. I thought of moving to Mexico but too many brown people live there. So Canada it is. I hear it’s cold and rainy but like most Americans I have lots of money so I can always afford to vacation in a warm place. Assuming there are more white than brown people living there.

As the helicopter took off for places north an  eerie silence descended upon the streets. Soon Chicanos moved into the swank homes formerly owned by the now-fled stars.

“White people are crazy” said one Chicano.

This is a nice home. I don’t know why they left. I hear white people like cold weather. Maybe that’s why the went to Canada. It would make more sense to go to Mexico. It’s closer to Hollywood and warmer.

From his new home in Canada, Cranston wore a thick sweater as he adjusted his thermometer.

“Damn it’s cold here. Very cold. I should have moved to Mexico.”

(70)

We shouldn’t have to care who runs for President

Election day has finally arrived. The choice between Trump and Clinton is for many a horrible one.

That speaks volumes. The fact that people care about who gets elected is a troubling sign.

Our Government as enshrined in our Constitution, the greatest document for human freedom ever written by the hand of man, is a limited government with specifically-enumerated powers.

I think it’s safe to say that our government today bears no resemblance to the founding father’s idea.

What do we have now?

• The Rule of Law dead
• An out-of-control overreaching all-powerful government
• A fourth branch of government (the bureaucratic) that is more powerful than the other three combined and that strikes fear into ordinary Americans.  Hello Declaration of Independence:  He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance.

What we have now is the result of the “Long March” of the so-called progressive movement, which in reality is a movement backwards towards one-man rule and tyranny.

It doesn’t matter whom we vote for.

Our Republic is not just doomed it is long dead.

The so-called progressives run our schools. They run our businesses. They run our bureaucracy. They run our media.

The result of this daily propaganda is frightening.

The majority of Americans have now bought into the progressive dream of activism, socialism and “equality.”

We throw around the words liberty and equality together like they were synonyms.

In fact that are enemies.

The progressives can have their dream of equality (with them slightly more equal than the serfs they rule.)

I choose liberty.

I choose the Constitution.

It is time we remember the ninth and tenth amendments:

Amendment IX

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

Amendment X

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.

How can we regain our Republic?

For starters repeal the 16th and 17th amendments and abolish the Federal Reserve.

I fear we have passed the point of no return.  I fear that a peaceful redress of grievances is no longer possible.

I fear that violence is now unavoidable.

If Hillary is elected will she try taking our guns?

It is worth noting that the first shots fired in the Revolutionary War were when the British were trying to locate an arms dump so they could take the guns and disarm the colonials.

What this country needs this election day is less “equality” and more Samuel Whittemores.

The original American Bad Ass.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Samuel_Whittemore

God help our country. God help us avoid the horrors of war on our soil.

(21)

Why is everybody always picking on me?

With the election hours away, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton, reeling from recent Wikipedia leaks, took to the airwaves to reassure her panicked supporters that all is well and she still expects to win the Presidency.  As a service to my readers I now present Ms. Clinton’s remarks.

My Fellow Americans:

I come before you tonight as a candidate for the Presidency and as a man whose honesty and integrity have been questioned. I mean as a woman whose honesty and integrity has been questioned. I mean sometimes I play the man but only sexually and only with other women. I mean men.

I have a theory that the best and only answer to a smear or to an honest misunderstanding of the facts is to tell the truth. And it that doesn’t work to smear them back. And if that doesn’t work arrange for them to die in a tragic accident. Hey, accidents happen, am I right?  And that’s why I’m here tonight. I want to tell you my side of the case.

I am sure that you have read the allegations and you’ve heard that I, Secretary of State Clinton, enriched myself with a phony foundation.

And now to answer those questions let me say this:

Not one cent of the foundation money was spent my personal use or quid pro quo political access. Every penny of it was used to pay for young women for Bill and myself. And that is not a personal expense. It’s a necessity. Bill likes young girls. It’s one of the few things we have in common.

And let me point out, and I want to make this particularly clear, that no contributor to the Clinton Foundation has ever received any consideration that he would not have received as an ordinary constituent, assuming said ordinary constituent just paid me millions because they had to if they didn’t want to meet up with a tragic accident.

And let me say I am proud of the fact that not one of them has ever asked me for a special favor. Except the desire to continue living.

Let me say, incidentally, that some of you may say, “Well, that’s all right, Madame Secretary, and I digress but isn’t Tea Leoni hot?; that’s your explanation, but have you got any proof”

It’s an audit made by the Price, WaterhouseCoopers. They said the Clinton Foundation was totally legit. And they said that for no quid pro quo. Just the understandable desire not to commit suicide or die in a car crash.

I was born in 1713. I mean 1948 and I am not an immortal demon. Our family was one of modest circumstances. Modest circumstances that made me sympathetic to the poor and desire never to be one of them again. That’s why Bill and I have this foundation. To enrich our selves. I mean our country. Through charity. And quid pro quo political patronage.

I should say this—that my wife Bill doesn’t have a mink coat. But he does have a respectable Democrat cloth coat. And I always tell him that he’d look good in anything. As long as he stays away from the young girls I’m sleeping with.

One other thing I probably should tell you because if we don’t they’ll probably be saying this about me too, we did get something. A man down in Texas – Austin which is blue and not filled with deplorables –  saw Bill on the television mention the fact that our daughter Chelsea would like to have a dog. And, believe it or not, the day before we left on this campaign trip we got a message from Union Station in Baltimore saying they had a package for us. We went down to get it. You know what it was.

It was a little cocker spaniel dog in a crate that he’d sent all the way from Texas. Black and white spotted. And our little girl-Chelsea, the 32-year old-named it “I’ve tried but I don’t care about money.”. And you know, the impoverished 32-year old, like all impoverished 32-year olds, love the dog and I just want to say this right now, that regardless of what they say about it, we’re gonna keep it.

Remember folks, a man such as me, I mean a woman such as me that’s to be President of the United States, must have the confidence of all the people.

And, now, finally, I know that you wonder whether or not I am going to stay on the Democratic ticket or resign.

Let me say this: I don’t believe that I ought to quit because I’m not a quitter. And, incidentally, Bill’s not a quitter either. Even on fat interns. He just won’t quit with them. And the damn cigars.

But just let me say this last word. Regardless of what happens I’m going to continue this fight. I’m going to campaign up and down America until we drive people like Donald Trump out of Washington. People who have turned their backs on the global elite. And remember, folks, a vote for Hillary Clinton is a vote for what’s good for America. Or the global elite. Whomever pays me more.

Now after a brilliant and heart-felt speech like that how can anyone not vote for Hillary Clinton?

(97)