I will not masturbate a dog on a plane. I will not masturbate a dog on a train

Hollywood heartthrob and former sparking vampire Robert Pattinson revealed on the Jimmy Kimmel show that he was asked to masturbate a dog on the set of his latest film, “Good Time.”

“The director wanted me to do it” said Pattinson.

I had reservations. Then the trainer said “It’s fine. Just rub the inside of his thigh. I do it all the time. He likes it. He’ll lick your face.” But I still didn’t know. I mean I’m an actor but I have standards. If I wanted to do something sexually disgusting and flat out freaky I’d go back to dating Kristen Stewart.

Reaction in Hollywood to Pattinson’s non-masturbatory act was swift, with many accusing him of speciesism.

A spokesman for SAG-AFTRA condemned Pattinson and said his exclusionary behavior had no place in Hollywood.

If Pattinson wants to confine his masturbation to those who self-identify as human then he can do it on his own time, not when he’s making a movie and representing everything our business proudly stands for. We at SAG-AFTRA condemn his actions in no uncertain terms. We also wish to remind people that Pattinson’s actions do not represent us. Many actors would jump at the chance to redefine species boundaries by masturbating a dog.

Martin Sheen accused Pattinson of setting back the cause of civil rights by decades.

Today our actors are refusing to masturbate dogs. Tomorrow they will be refusing to do gay scenes. The day after that they will refuse to work with Negroes or Hispanics. This is a slippery slope back to the days of Jim Crow. This is what Donald Trump wants. Donald Trump will not divide us!

“Your right to a conscience ends when you walk onto a set” said Ed Asner.

Do you think I enjoyed masturbating Gavin MacLeod? Of course I did but that’s beside the point. I did it because I’m a professional actor and had to set an example.

The hashtag #masturbatethedog soon began trending on Twitter.

Pattinson quickly retreated behind the walls of his residence as pro-masturbating dog protesters picketed outside.

Congresswoman Maxine Waters of California called for an investigation into possible Russian collusion with Pattinson’s masturbation refusal.

“I am not proud to be an American today” said the brave congresswoman.

Robert Pattinson refusing to masturbate a dog reminds me of Bull Connor turning fire hoses on my people in the 1960s. Are we going to return to the days of segregation or are we going to masturbate our dogs? This has Russia written all over it. Putin and Trump want to destabilize America by keeping our dogs sexually frustrated.

Strangely enough this is not the first time an actor has refused to masturbate an animal. While making Spartacus Tony Curtis balked at having to pleasure Laurence Olivier. He later consented when the director said he could wear women’s clothing while doing so.

SAG-AFTRA has scheduled a disciplinary hearing for next week to determine if they have grounds for suspending Pattinson.

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Spider-Man in his “Fat Elvis” phase.

Noted crime fighter Spider-Man has passed away of an apparent heart attack at Burger King.

“He was a hero to many” said New York mayor Bill de Blasio.

All New Yorkers owe a debt of gratitude to Spider-Man. His devotion to New York was well known as are his many sacrifices to keep this city crime free. I join our entire city in mourning his loss.

According to witnesses Spider-Man was eating a double bacon cheeseburger with a large order of fries and a large coke when he clutched his chest and muttered, “Should have had the salad” before keeling over.

Though a seasoned and veteran crime fighter Spider-Man had recently struggled with health issues related to his weight gain.

“He put on a lot of weight after he got married” said a source close to Spider-Man.

He had been lovesick for years over his next door neighbor Mary Jane.  Always moping about saying “Why doesn’t she love me?” But then when he finally got her and they moved in together, well, let’s just say she liked to cook. I mean she was always cooking these rich dishes. And Spider-Man would eat it all up. He said it reminded him of life with with his Aunt May and Uncle Ben. Eventually he put on almost 100 pounds. I would tell him that the extra weight wasn’t good and he’d just say “But I’m in love.” In love with plus size portions I’d say.

Along with the weight gain came bouts with hypertension.

“His BP was 200/140 when he came to my office the first time” said his doctor.

I told him he’d have to lose some weight. He just said “The Missus keeps me well-fed.” Then I put him on some blood pressure medication, The medication brought his blood pressure down but unfortunately one of the side effects is dizziness, which isn’t a good thing to have when your swinging above the street.

Another consequence of his weight gain was the inability of the threads he wove to support his weight, leading to the embarrassing incident when the string snapped and Spider-Man plummeted into traffic.

“He hit the side of bus filled with Japanese tourists” said a first responder on the scene.

The poor Japanese were frightened out of their wits. None of them spoke English and instead of seeing the sights of Manhattan they saw Spider-Man’s junk embedded into the window.  Some of the Japanese were so traumatized they suffered from temporary blindness. Spider-Man was in a lot of pain. He had glass embedded in his junk.  He kept saying “My junk! My superhero junk! Will it still work? I can’t disappoint Mary Jane.”

Fellow superheros reacted to Spider-Man’s death by praising his abilities.

“He really could squirt the sticky stuff” said Batman.  “I mean even more than Robin.”

“I admired his flying abilities” said Superman. “Of course he was cheating with the spider fluid stuff but still impressive.”

There will be a memorial this Friday where people will be invited to squirt as much sticky fluid as they can in memory of Spider-Man. Only those over the age of 18 will be allowed into the service.

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The Secret Service would not let me watch my porn alone!

The Motion Picture Association of America (“MPAA“) and presumptive 2020 Democratic Presidential nominee Chelsea Clinton have announced that they will be implementing a new ratings system for all movies.

“We’ve been wanting to update our archaic and non-gender based system for years” said MPAA president, former senator Chris Dodd.

G, PG, PG-13, R, X?  What do these mean? Absolutely nothing for people looking for movies that smash gender stereotypes. Let me give you a personal example. As a lover of hard core porn I was streaming a video called “Trannie Cheerleaders.” While I enjoyed the depiction of transsexual cheerleader sex in the end I was disappointed for two reasons: One: While the cheerleaders did have penises the bourgeois gender construct was dominant. And secondly my wife walked in while I was streaming it. She still isn’t talking to me. But anyway back to my point. our current movie rating system is ill-suited for people who go to movies solely to see bourgeois gender roles smashed.

Presumptive 2020 Democratic Presidential nominee Chelsea Clinton then followed up with some remarks of her own.

“I have accomplished so much in my life” said the future president.

Daughter of a President. Daughter of a senator. Daughter of a secretary of State. Part-time correspondent for NBC News. 2020 Presidential nominee. But there is one thing that I haven’t done: Change our ratings system. Let me give you an example. When in college I would often rent hard core porn and take it home to watch. Inevitably I would be disappointed for two reasons: No mention of gender roles on the package and two, the Secret Service insisted on watching with me. I vowed then that when I had a chance I would change our movie rating system to explicitly reference gender roles. I can do this because I’m Chelsea Clinton and I have accomplished so much in my life.

The porn-loving duo then unveiled the new rating system:

• DMCGRNSFC

(Disney Movie with Conventional Gender Roles Not Suitable For Children),  These films will be restricted and no child under 13 will be allowed to watch it because of its offensive gender stereotypes.

• SGRSBPC

(Some Gender Role Swapping But Pretty Conventional).  Children under 13 shall be allowed to watch this movie only if accompanied by a progressive social justice warrior adult who can answer any questions the child may have about role play.

• CLNBOPC

(Cinemax levels of nudity but otherwise pretty conventional).  These movies shall be open to all children. An adult social justice warrior chaperone is encouraged but not necessary.

• TCS

(Trannie cheerleader sex).  These movies do smash some stereotypes as the women all have penises. But again some gender roles are conventional. Children are encouraged to see these movies.

• TBBSHSWDIJSIHMWDWIOMSWUIJCASTGGC

(Trannie ball busting sex holy smokes what did I just see I hope my wife doesn’t walk in on me she wouldn’t understand I’m just curious about smashing the gender glass ceiling). This ratings system was personally lobbied for by Chris Dodd.  These movies will be mandatory for children.

• IHASIISIPS

(It has the Adam Sandler in it so it probably sucks).  Self explanatory.

The new ratings system will take effect in January 2021, just in time for Chelsea Clinton’s swearing in ceremony.

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The desire for speed is highly logical

After a series of fender-benders, speeding tickets and run-ins with state highway patrolmen, Spock of Vulcan has been ordered to take a defensive driving course or lose his license.

“He’s a menace on the road. But then again all these Vulcans are” said a trooper.

They come here from Vulcan and use our highways as their personal amusement park. I stopped Spock because he was doing 90 in a 55 mile per hour zone. Do you know what he said to me when I gave him the ticket? He looked at me and says, cool as a cucumber, “The desire for speed is highly logical.” Then after he got the ticket he goes off speeding again. I would have gone after him but my shift was almost over.  F*cking Vulcans.

During his appearance in court Spock, accompanied by his lover Nurse Chapel and a Star Fleet lawyer maintained that the ticket was merely the result of “cultural differences” between Earth and Vulcan.

“Vulcan society prizes logic and order” said the Star Fleet officer.

But that suppression of illogical desire come with a high cost. Vulcan nature is Vulcan nature after all. Have you ever seen Vulcans trying to get out of a parking lot after a Sunday church service? Lots of middle fingers and name calling. We can only suppress illogical feelings so much. We need what you humans call a safety valve. Aggressive driving does that for us. If we weren’t driving like illogical stone cold motherf*ckers on the road we’d be Pon Farring with your daughters. And once you go Vulcan you never go back so cut us some freaking slack.

Despite Spock’s plea for understanding the judge sentenced the Vulcan to 24 hours of safe, defensive driving courses to be completed within three months or risk losing his license.

Spock was not pleased.

His first defensive driving course, “How to respond to traffic” was not a success.

In this course Spock was supposed to wait in traffic to merge. Instead after ten seconds he drove around an 80-year old woman and gave her the finger.

“F*cking old bitch is just sitting there holding everybody up” Spock told his instructor.

What the f*ck is it with old people? Sons of bitches shouldn’t even be on the road. I should have run her off the road. Let her die in a ditch. Bitch deserves it. Why f*cking drive if you’re not going to drive? It’s highly illogical.

Spock’s poor showing in this course prompted the judge to cancel the remaining classes and revoke his license.

“Well screw this. If I can’t drive I’m Pon Farring the shit out of everybody. That’s right America. Get ready for some passionate, yet highly logical, boning of your daughters” said Spock.

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