Breaking News: The Yankees Really Really Really Hate Manhattan Infidel!

“How was I to know she was underage?  I mean she told me but she could have been lying.” ~ Joe Pepitone

Attendance down? I see no evidence of this.

Attendance down? I see no evidence of this.

On a cold, rainy, ugly night in the Bronx the Yankees started a three-game home stand against the team with the best record in the AL, the Chicago White Sox.

The Yankees started Luis Severino who hadn’t won a game this year while the White Sox started Chris Sale, who hadn’t lost a game this year. The results were as expected.

Oh sure Sale could have lost and Severino could have won. But seeing as I was at the game the Yankees continued their practice of losing just to spite me.

The White Sox got on the board in the top of the second when they batted round and scored three times.  Brett Lawrie led off with a double. After Avisail Garcia flied out to center field Alex Avila doubled to left field scoring Lawrie.  After former top Yankee prospect Austin Jackson walked and Adam Eaton singled to load the bases, Jose Abreu singled home Jackson and Eaton. 3-0 White Sox after 1 1/2.

In the bottom of the second the Yankees got their only run of the game when Chase Headley hit an 0-1 pitch over the left field wall. 3-1 White Sox after two.

In the top of the third the White Sox pulled away and scored four more times. After Alex Avila singled and Austin Jackson walked for the second of three times in the game Adam Eaton doubled them both home. Jimmy Rollins, a washed up shell of his former self, came to the plate. Normally he’d strike out but seeing as I was at the game he homered on a 1-1 pitch.  7-1 White Sox after 2 1/2.

Severino was taken out of the game in the third inning and placed on the DL. Is he injured? Maybe. But more likely the Yankees want him to clear his head and not pitch for awhile.

That was all the scoring in the game.  Severino (0-6 7.46) took the loss while Sale (8-0 1.67) was the winner.  Sale needed only 99 pitches for the complete game win, giving up one run on six hits, while not walking anyone and striking out six.

Notes on the game:

As I mentioned, Chris Sale pitched a complete game, which is a rare as an episode of the Walking Dead that doesn’t suck. I mean come on zombies, eat them already. The game lasted 2 hours and 50 minutes, another rarity as games nowadays are obligated to last 3 1/2 to four hours.

What can baseball do to improve game times?  Simple.  Banish the pitch count.  Nothing slows down a game more than a pitch count. Instead of letting the game flow normally if a pitcher gets close to the magic number of 100 pitches the bullpen gets up. And once the bullpen gets involved the game slows down to a crawl and becomes a game of attrition. Who will last the longest? The players or the bored fans?

So get rid of the pitch count. Being a realist I know that isn’t going to happen. Instead why not make all pitchers long relief? Starting pitching is irrelevant.  Starters can’t get out of the 5th inning and if they do their elbows explode into a million fragments. Just have one pitcher pitch the first three innings, a second do the fourth, fifth and six and a third do the seventh, eighth and ninth. Problem solved. No more pitch count to worry about. No more innings limits. And the game will be much quicker.

One of the annoying things the Yankees do (besides charge $1000 for seats behind home  plate) is every seventh inning stretch they bring out “an honored member of our armed services” and play God Bless America.

I hate this. It’s not 2001 anymore and I’m weary and tired of the police/security state we live in thanks to the Bush/Obama administration. You really want to support our troops? Don’t send them overseas to fight useless fucking “nation building” wars that drain our treasury, destroy young lives and lower our prestige overseas.

I’m an isolationist now. Let the rest of the world go to hell.

There is no word on whether the Yankees will be letting those who self-identify as women use the woman’s room. I’m sure that’s a civil rights case in the making.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of, “Semen belongs to the perfection of the begetter. and is released by a natural and pleasurable operation” didn’t fire up the crowd. Perhaps they were in their refractory period.

Recommended reading material:

Nightmare Town: The Collected Stories of Dashiell Hammett.

Reader mail:

A.P of Poughkeepsie writes, “A certain affinity arises from natural generation, and this is an impediment to marriage.”

I hear you brother.  Spread your seed far and wide!

S.J. of Minneapolis writes, “Woman is naturally subject to man, because in man the discretion of reason predominates.”

I hear you sister. Women! Am I right or am I right?

L.T. of Queens writes, “The production of woman comes from defect in the active force or from some material indisposition, or even some external influence, such as that of a south wind, which is moist.”

I love it when you talk dirty.

And so my record this year stands at 0-5.  They have to win one game I go to this year? Don’t they?  I mean it’s just the law of averages.

My next game is Wednesday May 25th against the Toronto Blue Jays.

Go Yankees!

(12)

This Just In: The Yankees STILL Hate Manhattan Infidel!

“Why does it hurt when I pee?” ~ Mickey Mantle

If you look closely you can see the Yankees sucking

If you look closely you can see the Yankees sucking

Having won the first two games of their series against the Tampa Bay (-Devil) Rays the Yankees went for the sweep. It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the Bronx. What could possibly go wrong.

The Yankees started Michael Pineda (1-2 6.95) while the Rays started one of their better pitchers, Drew Smyly (1-2.51).

Michael Pineda was cruising. At least through the first 2/3rd of an inning. After getting Logan Forsythe to strike out and Logan Morrison to ground out to Mark Teixeira, the next batter Evan Longoria hit a 2-2 pitch up the middle for a double. After that Corey Dickerson hit the first pitch into the right field bleachers five seats over from me. Steve Pearce then singled. Brad Miller then doubled home Pearce. Steven Souza Jr. then homered to left field.

5-0 Tampa Bay after 1/2 an inning.

In the top of the third Steve Pearce hit the first pitch he saw over the left field wall.

6-0 Tampa Bay after 2 1/2 innings.

The Yankees finally scored in the bottom of the fourth. Brett Garder led off with a walk and reached second when Mark Teixeira grounded out. Alex Rodriguez hit a 1-1 pitch for a double scoring Gardner.  This was AROD’s last at bat in the game. He left after the inning with oblique stiffness.

And speaking of oblique stiffness, do not take Cialis if you are taking nitrates for chest pain as it may cause an unsafe drop in blood pressure

6-1 after four.

In the top of the fifth Steven Souza, Jr struck again, hitting his second homer of the game on the first pitch he saw.

7-1 Tampa Bay after 4 1/2.

In the top of the eighth Logan Forsythe homered on an 0-1 pitch. 8-1 Tampa Bay after 7 1/2.

And that was the final score.

Yankee starter Michael Pineda pitched five innings.  On the bright side he did strike out nine. On the not so bright side he gave up ten hits, four of which were home runs. He was charged with the loss for the Yanks. Tampa starter Drew Smyly pitched seven innings, allowing one run on six hits while also striking out six.

Notes on the game:

As I mentioned earlier Pineda cruised through the first 2/3rds of the first inning. But seeing as how the Yankees hate Manhattan Infidel, manager Joe Girardi walked to the mound and had the following exchange with Pineda:

Joe Girardi: You’re pitching fantastic.

Michael Pineda: Gracias, senor.

Joe Girardi: But can I ask you a question? Do you know what you’re doing?

Michael Pineda: No entiendo.

Joe Girardi: Manhattan Infidel’s at the game!

Michael Pineda: Infidel de Manahatta?

Joe Girardi: Yea. He’s in the bleachers. See him!

Michael Pineda: El hombre blanco?

Joe Giradi: Yeah, him. Throw the game now!

And so Pineda then proceeded to pitch like crap for no other reason than to vex Manhattan Infidel.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “Further, woman was made in paradise. But man is greater than woman” didn’t fire up the crowd. I don’t know. Perhaps they were being charitable towards the weaker sex.

Recommended reading material:

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream by Hunter S. Thompson.

Reader mail:

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes, “Beasts are without reason. In this way man becomes, as it were, like them in coition because he cannot moderate concupiscence.”

Kill joy.

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “We are told that woman was made to be a help to man. But she was not fitted to help man except in generation, because another man would have proved a more effective help in anything else.”

Testify brother!

S.J. of Minneapolis writes, “For sensual appetite, wherein the passions reside, is not entirely subject to reason.”

Is this about those photos?  I was young.  I needed the money.

L.T. of Queens writes, “Semen belongs to the perfection of the begetter, and is released by a natural and pleasurable operation.”

And…….i’m done.  Phew.

And so my record this year stands at 0-4.   My next game is May 9th against the defending world champion Kansas City Royals.

Go Yankees!  I mean, they have to win one game I go to this year?  Don’t they?

(15)

It’s Official: The Yankees Hate Manhattan Infidel!

“Today I consider myself really, really screwed” ~ Lou Gehrig

All these people hate Manhattan Infidel

All these people hate Manhattan Infidel

After losing a tight one in extra innings to the Athletics the Yankees met for game two in the Bronx.

The Yankees started Nathan Eovaldi (0-2 6.11) and the Philadelphia Kansas City Oakland Athletics countered with Kendall Graveman (1-1 2.04).

The Yankees scored first in the bottom of the second when Didi Gregorius hit a 1-1 pitch into the right field stands.  1-0 Yankees after 2.

Alas, that was the last lead the Yankees would have. (A recurring theme this year.)

Eovaldi was cruising through the first three innings, facing only nine batters and with a low pitch count of 38.  However in the fourth God smote the Yankees and by extension Manhattan Infidel.

In the top of the fourth Billy Burns led off with a double.  Chris Coghlan then doubled him home. Josh Reddick continued the dance by doubling home Chris Coghlan. Stephan Vogt ended the scoring by hitting a sac fly to center field scoring Coghlan.  3-1 Athletics after four.

In the top of the eighth Khris (Yes, that’s how he spells his first name) Davis singled home Billy Butler and Chris Vogt. 5-1 Athletics after 7 1/2.

In the bottom of the eighth Carlos Beltran homered to right field.

Final score:  Athletics 5 Yankees 2.

Notes on the game:

What can one say about the 2016 Yankees? I know it’s still early but they are currently in last place in the AL East. AROD looks done.  He just can’t get around on the fastball anymore. Beltran is so old that he played right field while in a wheelchair. God bless our Boy Scouts for wheeling him around the outfield.

In the seventh inning, bored and possibly suicidal Yankee fans started the Wave.  The Wave is not welcome in the bleachers as we bleacher creatures are too cool such displays. Besides, the Wave hasn’t been fun since 2002.  Any fans in the bleachers doing the wave are severely punished.  This didn’t stop one girl next to me from rising and attempting to join in the Wave. She was tackled by fellow Bleacher Creatures and her ovaries were removed.  By hand.

As the title of this posts says, the Yankees hate me.  Eovaldi had command of the game after three innings.  I watched him and Joe Girardi in the dugout between innings and being something of a master lipreader I was able to make out this conversation:

Girardi: Nathan you’re pitching great. But you know Manhattan Infidel is at the game tonight.

Eovaldi: Crap!  What do you want me to do?

Girardi: Throw the game!  Throw it!

Eovaldi: My thoughts exactly. I hate that guy.  We can’t win when he’s here.

Girardi: Try giving up some home runs or beaning a few batters.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “The Union of the soul and body ceases at the cessation of breath” didn’t fire up the crowd.  Anti-Thomists!

Recommended reading material:

The IRA: A History by Tim Pat Coogan

Reader mail:

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes, “Semen belongs to the perfection of the begetter, and is released by a natural and pleasurable operation.”

You’ve been watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer again, haven’t you?

D.B. of Philadelphia writes “A man is not accountable for what occurs during sleep as he has not then the use of his reason.”

Sleep walking your way to the strip clubs again?

S.J of Minneapolis writes, “The hunting of wild animals is just and natural.”

By wild animals you of course mean Red Sox fans?

L.T. of Queens writes, “Man does not suffer any natural deterioration by seminal issue.”

Then why do I feel so sore?  Am I doing something wrong?

And so my record this year stands at 0-3.  My next Yankee game is Sunday, April 24th against the Tampa Bay Rays.

Go Yankees!

(17)

Yankees Lose to Mariners (And Robby Cano, Don’t Ya Know!)

“I run a clean clubhouse. And by that I mean no blacks” ~ Billy Martin

And the crowd of 18,000 goes wild!

And the crowd of 18,000 goes wild!

And so on a balmy 60 degree day in the Bronx (ah, but if only the game had been played during the day) the Yankees started a homestand against the Seattle Pilots Mariners and the 240 million dollar man, Robinson Cano.

The Yankees started their potential future ace Luis Severino (0-2 5.91) while Seattle countered with Nathan Karns (1-1 4.50).

The Yankees took the lead in the bottom of the first when Brett “I suck after July” Gardner hit a 1-1 pitch into deep right field.  1-0 Yankees after one.

Alas, that was the last lead the Yanks would have all night.

In the top of the fourth Seattle tied the score. After Seth Smith doubled, Robinson Cano singled him home.  1-1 after four.

In the top of the fifth Seattle took the lead for good.  After an Adam Lind single Chris Iannetta homered.  3-1 Seattle after five.

In the sixth Seattle scored one more run when Adam Lind singled home Robinson Cano.  4-1 Seattle after six.  Severino was taken out after 5 2/3 innings by Girardi and replaced by Kirby Yates.

In the seventh Seattle scored again. After Ketel Marte led off with a single and stole second, he reached third on a groundout by Nori Aoki. He then scored on a sac fly by Franklin Gutierrez. 5-1 Seattle after seven.  Kirby Yates was taken out after pitching 2/3 of an inning and replaced by Tyler Olsen who pitched the rest of the game for the Yanks.

In the top of the eight Seattle, well you guessed it  After a double by Nelson Cruz, Chris Iannetta singled him home.  6-1 Seattle after eight.

Seattle scored one more time in the ninth.  (How?  Who cares at this point.).

Final score:  Seattle 7 Yankees 1.  Luis Severino took the loss for the Yanks, giving up eight hits and four runs over 5 2/3 while allowing one walk and striking out two.  Karns pitched five innings for Seattle giving up one run on five hits while walking four and striking out seven.

Notes on the game:

The Yankees fell victim to the same bug-a-boo that has plagued them since 2002:  The inability to move runners over. They left ten men on base during the game.  Somewhere, Derek Jeter, Bernie Williams, Paul O’Neil, Scott Brosius and Tino Martinez were hanging their heads in shame.

There is nothing more depressing than night baseball in April. Especially if your team is losing. The team’s cold. The fans are cold.  Everyone is miserable. By the end of the game (even though the official attendance was 35,000) probably only 18,000 were still in the ballpark.

Cano continues to prove that he is an idiot. His swing was made for Yankee Stadium yet he rejected seven years and 180 million from New York in favor of ten years and 240 million at the notorious non-hitter’s ballpark in Seattle.

Now I know 240 millions sounds like a lot but with inflation his contract is probably worth only 220 million. He’s going to have to tighten his belt

There were no celebrities in attendance at the game. Perhaps the Yankees “no cocaine or hookers” policy turned them away.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “Say, has anyone seen the Model D83 Swedish sure-grip suck machine that I ordered?” just didn’t fire up the crowd. I guess they don’t appreciate the love that a Model D83 Swedish sure-grip suction machine can give.

Recommended reading material:

The Collected Poems of W.B. Yeats, edited by Richard J. Finneran, Revised Second Edition.

Reader mail:

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes, “I’ve been swimming in raw sewage. I love it!”

A workable sewage system is racist. I’m glad to know you are not racist.

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “I’m single! I love being single! I haven’t had this much sex since I was a Boy Scout leader!”

I’m glad to see our leaders have eschewed a bourgeois sexuality.

S.J. of Minneapolis writes, “We’ve got a long road ahead of us. It’s like having sex. It’s a painstaking and arduous task that seems to go on and on forever, and just when you think things are going your way, nothing happens.”

I hate when my internet goes down when I’m masturbating while on Skype.

L.T of Queens writes, “I want a car out front! Something fun. A Porsche! Then I want a plane ticket to Jamaica. And I want a nice hotel. No touristy place. Something really indicative of the people and their culture.”

I find you guilty of cultural appropriation!

My record this year stands at 0-2.  My next game is Wednesday April 20th against the Philadelphia Kansas City Oakland Athletics.

Go Yankees!

(8)

Yankees Lose on Opening Day!

“Nothing give me greater pleasure than playing the game of baseball.  Except for hookers and booze that is. Actually you know what?  Screw baseball. I want my knob polished.” ~ Mickey Mantle

YES network talking heads pontificate before the game

YES network talking heads pontificate before the game

And so, much like Walking Dead fans who now will have to wait six  months to find out who Negan killed, Yankee fans had to wait six long months after their ignominious defeat at the hands of Houston for a rematch.

Today was opening day (postponed from yesterday because of rain.)  It was sunny.  And 35 degrees at game time.  Perfect  baseball football weather.

The Yankees started Masahiro Tanaka (pictured here)

The Yankees no. 1 starter

The Yankees no. 1 starter

who did not figure in the decision while Houston started Dallas Keuchel (1-0 2.57).

The hero of the 2009 World Series, the world’s ugliest Japanese man Hideki Matsui  (pictured here)

The world's ugliest Japanese man

The world’s ugliest Japanese man

threw out the ceremonial first pitch.

The Yankees scored (plated in modern nomenclature) first in the bottom of the 2nd.  After Mark “I have no soul” Teixeira led off with by flying out to left field Carlos “Worlds youngest 75 year old man” singled. Brian McCann then walked. McCann reached 2nd and Beltran 3rd on a Chase Headley fielder’s choice. New Yankee 2nd basemen Starlin Castro, in his first at bat as a Yankee, then doubled Beltran and McCann home.  2-0 Yankees after two.

Houston (pronounced “Howston“) got a run back in the top of the fourth.  Jose Altuve led off with a double.  He reached third when George Springer singled. Altuve then scored when Carlos Correa hit into a fielder’s choice  2-1 Yankees after 3 1/2.

In the top of the sixth Houston tied the score when Carlos Correa homered to deep right.  2-2 after 5 1/2.

Houston broke it up in the top of the 8th, scoring three runs. 5-2 Houston after 7 1/2.

The Yankees got a run back in the bottom of the inning when Didi Gregorius homered.

Final score:  Houston 5 Yankees 3.  Dellin Betances (0-1 4.50) took the loss for the Yanks.

Notes on the game:

Ah, springtime.  Flowers bloom.  Signs of renewal everywhere.  Except when it’s 35 degrees of course.  I blame climate change.  Somebody (perhaps someone who reads this blog) has stubbornly denied the settled science and insists on using 100 watt light bulbs.  By the fifth inning my toes and fingers, much like my heart, had lost all feeling.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “You’re gonna take the rap and play along. You’re gonna make every exact move I tell you. If you don’t, I’ll kill you. And I’ll promise you one thing: it won’t be quick. I’ll break you first. You won’t be able to answer a telephone or open a door without thinking, ‘This is it.’ And it when it comes, it still won’t be quick. And it won’t be pretty. You can take your choice.”  didn’t fire up the crowd.

Perhaps Yankee fans just don’t appreciate Film Noir.

Recommended reading material:

“A Respectable Minority:  The Democratic Party in the Civil War Era, 1860-1868” by Joel H. Silbey.

Apparently Yankee manager Joe Girardi is a big Walking Dead fan.  While bringing the lineup out before the game he carried a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire. As he got to the umpires he looked at them and said, “Eeenie, meenie, miney moe” before killing one of them brutally.

Joe has a code.  The umpires violated it.  ‘Nuff said.

Reader mail:

A.P. of Poughkeepsie, New York writes, “You know, a dame with a rod is like a guy with a knitting needle.”

I have consulted a team of progressive lawyers and apparently your comment qualifies as a hate crime.

L.T. of Queens, New York writes, “There’s a cantina down the street called Pablo’s. It’s nice and quiet. The man there plays American music for a dollar. Sip bourbon and shut your eyes… it’s like a little place on 44th Street. I sometimes go there.”

American music? You had better only listen to American music.  Anything else and you’d be guilty of cultural appropriation.

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “I never saw her in the daytime. We seemed to live by night. What was left of the day went away like a pack of cigarettes you smoked. I didn’t know where she lived. I never followed her. All I ever had to go on was a place and time to see her again. I don’t know what we were waiting for. Maybe we thought the world would end.”

Smoking is evil sir.  For that I’ll have to turn you in to the authorities.

And so my record stands at 0-1 this year. My next game is Friday April 15th against the Seattle Mariners and Robinson “The Yankees insulted me by only offering 175 million” Cano.

Go Yankees!

(18)

Yankees Season Ends; CC Sabathia Refuses to Stay Drunk for Playoffs!

What would David Wells say?

What would David Wells say?

Disappointing legions of baseball fans, CC Sabathia entered rehab the day before the wild card game.

“Today I am checking myself into an alcohol rehabilitation center to receive the professional care and assistance needed to treat my disease” said the heft lefty.

I love baseball and I love my teammates like brothers, and I am also fully aware that I am leaving at a time when we should all be coming together for one last push toward the World Series. I want to thank the New York Yankees organization for their encouragement and understanding. Their support gives me great strength and has allowed me to move forward with this decision with a clear mind.

CC’s decision sent shock waves through the professional sports community. We here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ have stayed up the entire night contacting baseball players past and present to get their take on the news.

While most of the players I called were too drunk to pick up the phone I was lucky enough to contact former Yankee and perfect game pitcher David Wells.

MI: David, any comment on the shocking news?

DW: Naturally my thoughts and prayers are with CC during this difficult time.   I just hope CC gets the help he needs and comes back a stronger pitcher and a better man.

MI: What about the timing of the announcement? Did that surprise you? One day before the wild card playoff game?

DW: Look, baseball is just a game.  Some things are more important.  CC made the right decision.

MI: Really?

DW: Yes.

MI: Really?

[Pause]

DW: No.

MI: I see.

DW:  What the hell’s wrong with these metrosexual pansies nowadays.  I pitched drunk.  One time I was so drunk I didn’t even realize I was pitching until I read the papers the next morning and found out I beaned Manny Ramirez.

MI: Perhaps it’s the timing of the announcement you have issue with and not the actual announcement itself?

DW: Have you heard a word I’ve said? CC should be ashamed of himself.  Why back in ’98 in a meth-fueled rage Paul O’Neill, Chuck Knoblauch and myself sodomized and killed a hobo, not in that order, drove upstate and dumped his body in a reservoir. And we still made it back to the Bronx in time for game two of the World Series.

MI: I don’t believe I’ve heard that story before.

DW: That’s because Joe Torre hushed it up.  We killed him on his orders.

MI:  I don’t know what to say.

DW: In my day ballplayers were proud of their excesses.  I still am.  Right now I’m snorting cocaine off a hooker’s ass.

MI: I did not need to know that.

DW: In fact I think I’m going to snort cocaine off  your ass.

MI: I…..what?

DW: Bend over.

MI: No wait.

[Mr. Wells bends Manhattan Infidel over]

DW: You like it don’t you.

MI: What are you doing back there.  What is that? That doesn’t feel like cocaine.

DW: Relax. I’m a ballplayer.  You can trust me.

I won’t bore my readers with the rest of the interview, the details of which my therapist says that with years of expensive counseling I will be able to expunge from my memory.

Suffice to say that the modern ballplayer is a different breed than those that went before him.

(113)

Yankees Crush, Kill and Destroy the Abomination of Desolation

“Hey, she gave me VD!” ~ Babe Ruth

The sun goes down on the Red Sox!

The sun goes down on the Red Sox!

Coming off a 6-4 homestand the first place New York Yankees opened a home stand against the last place Boston Red Sox.  I’ll say that again.  The first place Yankees opened up a homestand against the last place Red Sox.  I like saying that.  Last place Red Sox.  It rolls trippingly off the tongue.

The Yankees started Masahiro Tanaka (pictured here)

It's Tanaka Time!

It’s Tanaka Time!

(8-4 3.84) while making his major league debut for the Red Sox was Henry Owens (0-1 5.40).

The Yankees scored first.  In the bottom of the first Chris Young singled and Alex Rodriguez walked. moving Young to second.  Mark Teixeira then singled home Young.  1-0 Yankees after one.

Boston took the lead in the top of the fifth.  Mike Napoli led off with a double.  Alejandro de Aza then singled. Blake Swihart singled and went to second on the throw as Napoli scored.  Jackie Bradley Jr., hit a sacrifice fly scoring de Aza.  2-1 Boston after 4 1/2.

In the bottom of the sixth Chris Young led off with a single and moved to third when Alex Rodriguez doubled. Teixeira then singled home Young. Brian McCann then doubled home Rodriguez and Teixeira moved to third.   Texiera then scored when Carlos Beltran grounded out.  4-2 Yankees after six.

In the top of the seventh Boston scored a run when Pablo Sandoval hit a monster home run that landed behind me in the bleachers.  That hasn’t happened since the old stadium and in the old stadium the bleachers were much closer to the field than in the House Built for the Rich of New York City.  4-3 Yankees after 6 1/2.

And then God, the giver of all good things except for Kat Dennings

This woman is a tool of the Devil!

This woman is a tool of the Devil!

who is a tool of the Devil even though I love her so, gave us the bottom of the seventh.

The Yankees sent 13 people to the plate and scored nine runs.  I won’t even bother trying to recount the scoring in that inning. Much like my college years, the bottom of the seventh is a jumbled memory, punctuated by confusion, frequent intakes of beer, trips to the bathroom and taserings by security.

Notes on the game:

The first pitch was thrown out by a one-legged Iraq war veteran who threw a perfect curve ball for a strike.  Yankee GM Brian Cashman immediately signed him to a long-term deal. He will replaced the injured Pineda in the starting rotation.

It’s not enough to crush Boston.  We must destroy their will to live.  Much like IDAK from Lost in Space,

Crush, kill and destroy the Red Sox!

Crush, kill and destroy the Red Sox!

they must be crushed, killed and destroyed. Last night was an effective start to destroying their will to live.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of

I grow old … I grow old …
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

 

Shall I part my hair behind?   Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

 

I do not think that they will sing to me.

 

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.
We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.
didn’t fire up the crowd.

Recommended reading material:

“My life as an overrated fat steroid cheat” by David Ortiz. Okay, so there is no book like that.  But there should be.

Reader mail:

D.D. of New Jersey writes, “I hate Canadians!”

Well who doesn’t?  They are evil people.

D.D. of New Jersey also writes, “And I hate people from Delaware too.”

No argument here. They should all die in drone strikes.

D.D. of New Jersey also writes, “And I hate Hispanics too!”

Now that’s just racist!

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes, “More pictures of Kat Dennings, please.”

You realize she is a tool of the Devil, don’t you?  But if you insist. Here you go.

Still a tool of the Devil!

Still a tool of the Devil!

And so my record stands at 7-2 this year. My next game is, well, I don’t know when it will be. My work schedule is changing from 7 am to 3 pm to 1 pm to 9 pm so I probably won’t be able to go to any more games this year.  What can I say except,
I ain’t gonna work on Maggie’s farm no more
No, I aint gonna work on Maggie’s farm no more
Well, I wake up in the morning
Fold my hands and pray for rain
I got a head full of ideas
That are drivin’ me insane
It’s a shame the way she makes me scrub the floor
I ain’t gonna work on Maggie’s farm no more.
Go Yankees!

(268)

Yankees Beat Constitutional Monarch Felix and the Mariners; Manhattan Infidel Wears Pants

“I’m insulted!” ~ Robinson Cano

How hot was it?  Nelson Cruz's HGH melted.

How hot was it? Nelson Cruz’s HGH melted.

On a blazingly hot 97 degree day in the Bronx caused by global warming climate change f*cking summer the Yankees battled the Seattle Mariners to a 2-1 victory.

It was CC Sabathia (4-8 5.25) against Constitutional Monarch Felix Hernandez (11-5 2.77).  It was the pitchers’ duel I had hoped for.  Both went six innings.  CC gave up one run on six hits while walking one and striking out seven (two looking) and Constitutional Monarch Hernandez allowed one run on five hits while walking three and striking out five (three looking.)  Neither figured in the decision.

It was scoreless until the top of the fifth.  Jesus “I eatta the donuts” Montero and Chris Taylor singled to begin the inning. After Mike Zunino sacrifice bunted out 1-2 to advance the runners Austin Jackson hit a 1-2 pitch for a single to score Jesus. (I always thought “Jesus Scores!” would be great headline,)  Would this be the inning the wheels fall off for CC?  Fortunately he got out of the inning with only one run by striking out the next two batters, Kyle Seeger and Robinson “I’m insulted” Cano.

1-0 Seattle after 4 1/2.

The Yankees tied it in the bottom of the sixth. Brett Gardner led off with a walk. After AROD struck out looking Teixeira singled allowing Gardner to move to third. Brian McCann then struck out swinging.  Carlos Beltran then hit a 1-0 single driving in Gardner.

1-1 after six innings.

Now in the old days of baseball both pitchers would be left in to finish the wonderful pitchers’ duel. But as this is the modern game (“Thou shalt not allow thy starting pitcher to start the seventh. It is an abomination to the Lord”) the bullpen was left to finish it out.

As it was 97 degrees and I was burning to a toasty crisp I debated whether to stay if it went into extra innings.  It’s an under-reported phenomenon but every year dozens of Irish explode when exposed to direct sunlight.

Fortunately Mark Teixeira came to the rescue and on a 1-2 pitch homered to right field. 2-1 Yankees after eight.

Closer extraordinaire Andrew Miller struck out two in a one-two-three ninth to record his 20th save as the Yankees beat the Mariners.

Notes on the game:

This was the hottest, most humid day in an otherwise mild summer. I of course was going to wear shorts.  However as I was putting them on the zipper busted.  I was forced to wear pants to Yankee Stadium as this photo shows.

Due to a court order I am not forced to wear pants in strip clubs.

Due to a court order I am forced to wear pants in strip clubs.

Now I know what you are saying. Manhattan Infidel.  I am sure you are used to walking around with your zipper down. Yes. But only in schoolyards and strip clubs.

Today’s game featured four ex-Yankees playing for Seattle.  Vidal Nuno who pitched 1 1/3 innings of relief for Seattle.  Jesus “I eatta the donuts and whatever you have” Montero who the Yankees traded for Michael Pineda, Austin Jackson who was traded for Curtis Granderson and of course Robinson “I’m insulted” Cano who was so insulted by the Yankees seven-year 189 million dollar offer he had to go to Seattle.  And he’s doing fantastic at Seattle (cough cough) in the second year of his ten-year deal.  I wonder what the over/under is on Cano finishing his ten years at Seattle.  I’ll have to ask my bookie.

It was Satan day at the Stadium.  Satan is the official angel of the Yankees.  The Yankees value their relationship with Satan and the first 18,000 fans in attendance were personally told by Satan that they will never amount to anything and they should just give up now.  While the message was a little rough it’s important that the kids know it while they are still young.

I refuse to call Felix Hernandez by his nickname of King Felix.  I fear he would use this power against the people.  Hopefully my new nickname of Constitutional Monarch Felix will catch on and he will be reminded that absolute power corrupts absolutely.  Or maybe he’s too busy having sex with groupies to care.

Best heckle of the game:

My heckle of

The dreams clash

and are shattered

I have tried to write paradise

Do not move

Let the wind speak

That is paradise

Let the gods forgive what I

have made

Let those I love

try to forgive what I have made

once again didn’t fire up the crowd.  Perhaps I should try some new heckles.

Reader mail:

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes, “I run a small business and I can’t wait to pay a fine for not buying insurance.”

That’s just racist. You hate Obama because he’s black!

L.T. of New York writes, “You are being too hard on A.P.  There is such a thing as principled opposition to President Obama.”

Racist!  I have called you a racist.  Therefore the debate is over.

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “It’s a hot day.  I’m relaxing in my pool in my back yard.

Racist!

L.K. of New Jersey also writes, “What the hell are you talking about?”

Your white privilege disgusts me.

Recommended reading material:

“Your 189 million dollar seven-year deal insults me and I like whores” by Robinson Cano.

Actually there is no book like that.  But there should be.

My record stands at 6-2 this year.  My next game is Tuesday August 4th against the Boston Red Sox.  And what does Boston do?  That’s right.  Bahstahn sawks cack!

Go Yankees!

(258)

Yankees Beat Oakland (The Chinese Stock Market Edition)

“Are they letting ethnic types in the game now?” ~ Billy Martin

A baseball stadium in the middle of the Bronx?

A baseball stadium in the middle of the Bronx?

On an oppressively humid and rain-filled night in the Bronx (hey, Innominatus quit sending us your left coast rain forest weather) that saw the return of Jacoby Ellsbury and Andrew Miller from stints on the DL the Yankees battled the Philadelphia, Kansas City, Oakland Athletics.

The Yankees started CC Sabathia (4-8 5.47) and the Athletics Scott Kazmir (5-5 2.49).

CC fortunately for the Yankees pitched like the fat CC of old (pictured here)

CC Sabathia in his prime.

CC Sabathia in his prime.

and not the fat CC of new or the skinny CC of new.

Oakland scored first.  Billy Butler led off the second with a double. After Brett Lawrie singled Butler was picked off in a rundown 6-2-5 trying to score. Josh Phegley then singled home Lawrie.  Mark Canha, the next batter up then singled home John Smolinski who had reached on a fielder’s choice.  2-0 Oakland after 1 1/2.

In the top of the fourth Mark “All Star” Teixeira on a 1-2 count hit a towering home run that almost landed in the bleachers to my right.  As you can see in this photo the mysterious blogger known as Manhattan Infidel, still in his blue work attire, just above the “O” in the Modells.com sign

I approve!

I approve!

looks on approvingly.  Chris Young then walked and John Ryan Murphy singled. Young then stole third on defensive indifference  and a pitch later Murphy stole second. Jose Pirela then hit a sac fly.  3-2 Yankees after four.

In the top of the sixth Mark “Gluten Free” Teixeira led off again and hit his second home run of the game.  4-2 Yankees after six.

In the bottom of the eighth Steven Drew homered to right field.  5-2 Yankees after eight.  (This home run would prove to be the game winner.)

Andrew Miller came in for relief in the top of the ninth and proved rusty from his layoff, giving up a two run home run to Marcus Semien.  Final score Yankees 5 Oakland 4.

Notes on the game:

Oakland starter Scott Kazmir left after three innings. Rumor has it he had invested the entire Oakland payroll in the Chinese stock market and wanted to skip town before he had the shit beat out of him by his teammates.

It was Pete Best appreciation night at the stadium.  The Yankees value their relationship with Pete Best and the first 18,000 in attendance were personally fired by Paul McCartney.

Okay, so maybe not.  It was actually Dellin Betances bobblehead doll night.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “The blossoms of the apricot blow from the east to the west, And I have tried to keep them from falling” didn’t fire up the crowd.  Savage baseball fans!

It was raining as I arrived at the stadium, as this picture shows.

The saddest sight ever, except perhaps Olivia Wilde with another man

The saddest sight ever, except perhaps Olivia Wilde with another man

Tarp on the infield.  The saddest sight ever.  Except perhaps for my pay stub.

Reader mail:

A.P of Poughkeepsie writes, “I’m expanding my business.  Where did I get the money? The Chinese stock market of course!”

What could possibly go wrong.

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “Thanks to sound investments in the Chinese stock market I am expanding the pit in my back yard where I bury the prostitutes.”

Hey, don’t you know that digging a hole in your back yard is illegal?

L.T. of New York writes, “The Chinese Stock Market? I saw the DVD.  The production values were excellent.”

You filthy beast!

This my last game before the All Star break.  The Yankees are in first place.  Then again it is the AL East.  84 wins will get you the division.  Still, this is better than I had expected from them. But how long are we going to continue to trot out Stephen Drew.  Even though he hit the game winner today it’s July and he isn’t even batting the interstate. For god’s sake he’s not even batting the Mendoza line.  Bring up Refsnyder from AAA.

Recommended reading material:

“The Chinese Stock Market? I hate it almost as much as America!” by Ariana Grande.

My record stands at 5-2 this year.  My next game is Sunday July 19th against the Seattle Mariners and Robinson “My tummy hurts” Cano.

Go Yankees!

(374)

America! F*ck Ya! Yankees Beat Tampa in Extra Innings to Start July 4th Weekend!

“Hey, what is the ground doing up here at 10,000 feet?” ~ Thurman Munson

Not a Confederate flag in sight!

Not a Confederate flag in sight!

On a suspiciously mild (my liberal masters call it “climate change”) July 3rd Friday night in the Bronx the Yankees opened up a homestand against the Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays.

The Yankees started Masahiro Tanaka (4-3 3.94) and the Rays Chris Archer (9-5 2.18). Neither pitcher figured in the decision.

Tanaka pitched serviceably, lasting six innings and giving up three runs on six hits while striking out five and walking one. But he hasn’t been the same dominant pitcher since coming back from the DL.

The Rays scored first.  Designated hitter Grady Sizemore led off with a double.  After a walk to Joey “How you doin’?” Butler, third baseman Evan Longoria doubled him home and Butler moved to third.  James Loney then hit a sac fly that brought home Butler.  2-0 Rays after half an inning.

In the top of the 5th Kevin “I hate pigeons” Keirmaier led off with a triple.  Rene Rivera then sac flied him home.  3-0 Rays after 4 1/2.

Why does Kiermaier hate pigeons?  After driving in a run he was attacked by a pigeon. Hey, Noo Yawk pigeons can be pretty aggressive.  Just saying.  Capish?

http://www.cbssports.com/mlb/eye-on-baseball/25232840/look-kevin-kiermaier-singles-in-a-run-gets-attacked-by-a-pigeon

The score stayed 3-0 until the bottom of the eighth.  After singles by Chase Headley and Alex Rodriguez, Mark Teixeira hit a home run to right field.  Tie score after eight innings.

After the Yankees blew an opportunity to win in the ninth the game went into extra innings. Would the Yankees win in dramatic fashion?  Would they start selling beer again?  Would Manhattan Infidel get a chance to pick up the two Australian tourists sitting next to him?  The answer is yes to one of those three.

Speaking of the Australian tourists, this gave me an opportunity to tell my Australian attending a baseball game joke:

An Australian man is attending his first baseball game. He sees the first batter get a hit and run as fast as he can.  The next batter also gets a hit and runs as fast as he can.  The crowd is cheering and going wild.  The next batter draws a walk, throws his bat down and casually walks to first base.  The Australian stands up in his seat and shouts, “Run, laddie, run!”  The crowd around him starts laughing and he sits down sheepishly.  The man next to him decides to take pit on the poor Australian by explaining the rules of the game to him: “You see, he can’t run.  He has four balls.” The Australian stands up and shouts, “Walk with pride!”

But first, Tampa had to grab the lead in the top of the 12th.  The Rays scored twice in the inning.  Kiermayer drove in one of those runs.  5-3 Tampa after 11 1/2

The stage was set for the bottom of the 12th.  Teixeira single home Brett Gardner.  Then Brian “The Man Can” McCann ended the game with a monster blast to right field, scoring Gregorio Petit and Teixeira.

Final score:  Yankees 7 Tampa 5.  Chasen Shreve (6-1 1.87) got the win in relief for the Yanks and Steve Getz (1-4 3.76) was charged with the loss for Tampa.

Notes on the game:

The Mormon Tabernacle Choir was at the game.  Why?  I don’t know and I don’t give a damn. What?  I said I don’t give a damn! Oh, he’s our shortstop!  (Tip of the hat to Abbott and Costello)

Last night was Budweiser Yankee hat night at the Stadium.  The first 18,000 fans in attendance were given a Yankee cap courtesy of Budweiser beer.  The Yankees value their partnership with Budweiser and want to thank alcoholics everywhere.  What about the fans who showed up after the first 18,000? They were given cirrhotic livers.

Best heckle of the game:

My heckle of “As cool as the pale wet leaves of lily-of-the-valley She lay beside me in the dawn” didn’t fire up the crowd.  In fact I was arrested for potential sexual harassment.

Reader mail:

A.P. of Poughkeepsie, New York writes, “I own a landscaping business.  It’s just an excuse to kill pigeons.”

Hey, how about a trigger warning before you talk about killing birds?

L.T. of New York writes, “My love is like a pigeon.  It’s dirty. Very, very dirty.  Filthy.  Dirty. Naughty. Oh so naughty.”

I am a man and I don’t have to stand for this type of harassment!  At least not until I’ve had a few pints.

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “I like to break the necks of pigeons and then eat them raw.”

Well, at least you’re not writing about what your burying in your back yard anymore.

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “I work for an international accounting firm.  You could say my job is like a pigeon. I fly around and shit on people.  What?  No I’m not insane.  My mother had me tested.”

Recommended reading material:

“I want to wear black face and wrap myself in a Confederate flag while giving Clarence Thomas a blow job” by George Takei.  Actually there is no such book as that.  But there should be.

And so my record this year stands at 4-2.  My next game is Wednesday July 8th against the Oakland Athletics.

Go Yankees!

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